Ask Dan & Jennifer

ok after reading your story it reminded me of how i use to be. what i did was i made him sit down not yelling or fighting and told him why i am the way i am. i know it sounds easy but its not but what your man needs to do is stop talking like that. oveiously he told you what he was going to do so do you think thats better? let him know and try to talk about what he thinks can be done to make your relationship better. then ask him how much he wants to be with you and is he unhappy with you and see what he says you shouldn't have to stay with a man who puts you down mentaly let me know how it goes....

We've had plenty of talks about my jealousy. And he always tells me I have no worries because he loves me only. I believe it but with other girls I'm just afraid he might find something in them that I don't have.'

I know he wants to be with me. He tells me all the time.

There is just one girl, the girl who gave him advice about me, that worries me. My mom told me not to worry and my boyfriend told me not to worry. He doesn't even find her attractive. But the thought of another girl making him happy grinds my gears a bit.

We were together today and even though we got mad at eachother, I couldn't help but love him. There are times, like when he's with me that I know he'll never do anything I wouldn't like.

But I have a very active imagination and often think he's laughing at me for believing him and goes off with other girls.

I may be mental. =0

Dear Jealousy 1,

First of all, I am sorry for your suffering.

Your ego is that part of you that wants to control everything... to micro-manage everything and everyone in your life... in this case, your boyfriend. It's the part of us that gives us a sense of "self" and that makes us "right" and others "wrong" should they disagree with us. It's also the part of us that that guides us to live in fear... fear of the past and worry about the future. In short, it's the part of us that creates our emotional suffering.

Ego guides us to try to use "force" when dealing with disagreements. Use of force creates a temporary "success" at best. Force is using domination over the situation. The answer to your concern is to use "power" rather than "force" as true power creates a permanent success. When you try to use force over another, you are inadvertently turning over your power to that "other" person or situation. Why do that? Why not go for the permanent fix which gives you the ultimate power?

So, to summarize, ego = force/fear... knowledge = power... the power of conscious choice.

What is the knowledge you need to be able to choose power in your situation?

1. True power in YOUR life lies within you, not someone outside of you.
2. Jealousy is ego based fear... fear of loss, fear of inadequacy, fear of being alone, fear, fear, fear!
3. Your boyfriend is choosing to be with you now, not someone else.
4. You don't live in the past... or in the future. All you ever have is "now."
5. Your boyfriend will be with you until he isn't. Again, so all you ever have is now.
6. You can't control anyone else. Ever. Get over it.
7. You are worthy or you wouldn't have attracted him in the first place. Get over it.
8. There is a part of your Being... a consciousness that can make choices over any unthinking, automatic behavior like jealousy. If that old green-eyed monster, jealousy raises it's ugly head, then make a choice to do/think something different... to "be here now" and just enjoy whatever time you do have with him. You will then stop making yourself and him crazy with suffering. BTW, jealousy has the effect of pushing the other person away from you. Is that what you want? Make a different choice... be conscious. Use your POWER and let go of ineffective force.
9. Your emotions/feelings are chemically induced responses to your thought patterns. Change your thought patterns and your emotions change too. Be truly in charge. To change your world, first change your mind.
10. You can't "make" someone want to be with you... especially "forever" as you may romanticize about. You have him in your life now. Enjoy. Have fun. Choose to let go of putting pressure on him or your relationship. He will be with you until he's not. You will be with him until you're not. There are others who will drift into and out of your life. This will happen. Some will/may be lovers, partners, friends, etc. It's just the way life works. Acknowledge it and let it be. It's all good.

As you already know, the teen years are a time of being on an emotional roller coaster! Know that and adjust for it.

So, is this easy to do? Yes and no. It's all attitude. The choice is yours. Remember that your thinking creates the chemical release which then creates your feelings/emotions. Choose consciously and wisely and you can eliminate your suffering... and don't give up. The only way to fail is to stop trying!

Finally, you indicate that you love him. Love is unconditional acceptance. Period. Nothing more or less. If you love him, then you accept him as he is. No conditions. Love is not a feeling, but a decision. If you think that you feel love for him, then that's a chemical response (an attractant) which will go away after a few years of the relationship. It's not really until that chemical response has gone that you can truly see/know him for who he is and that you then choose to love him.

Life is a lot more complex than what you think it is when living your teen years. But kids are growing up more quickly than before and learning more at an earlier age. You have the opportunity to do that now with this life lesson. I hope this information helps. I care. Thanks for being a part of my life.

paul

As sad as it is a can say im almost in the same situation, jealousy kills inside. Talk to him seriously face to face and tell him if he still feels the same way. Nothing kills more then holding to something that is death.
good luck best wishes:o