Jason
Wow, you are tenacious aren't you? Two years and no response from her must be really frustrating. Actually, I know how you feel. I was married to a man I wanted desperately to have real intimacy with but recognized that he had a fear of intimacy.
What I didn't then realize is that I, too, was afraid of intimacy! Even though it was what I wanted, I was afraid of it and therefore set myself up to avoid it. I picked partners that didn't want to be really intimate. I avoided speaking my truth and standing up for what I believed in; I hid my true self.
Owning who we are is where intimacy starts. Why do you allow her to set the terms of the relationship? You are then stuck as the Victim of her refusal to move. What is it that makes a relationship dead? Is it lack of sex or lack of intimate connection? Both are required to feel close, connected and loved.
Stop hiding yourself from her. Start saying what you need, what you feel, what matters to you and what you do and don't like. Don't just go along with her agenda. AND OPEN UP. Show her your feelings, not just the painful ones, but the angry and fearful ones and the silly and playful ones. Stop hiding yourself. When she doesn't reciprocate; share your feelings about THAT.
AND push her to speak her truth to you. Odds are there are things she has been feeling that she is not sharing. If she refuses to share her feelings ask her why and see if you can get her to talk about why being open is so hard for her. LISTEN to her and show her empathy (that you have felt the same way at some time). Work at making it safe for her to say what she is feeling. Is she afraid of your anger? Is she afraid of your judgment? Is just fearful of letting someone really see who she is? Whatever it is, assure her that whatever she is feeling is not going to change your feelings for her. Even if it is about her not being satisfied sexually, that you are open to hearing about it and willing to try to work at giving her what she needs.
What is missing is a fundamental sense of trust between you. She is afraid to speak her truth and you are afraid to do the same. Speak your truth, act on your truth.
Obviously you care about her and want this to work, or you would just go through with the divorce. You don't need her permission to get a divorce. BUT before you give up try my suggestions. The path out of being a Victim is to take action. You could take action by seeking a divorce on your own, or you can take action by changing how you behave; by being more open, honest, and insisting on the same from her.
Good luck. Let me know how it works out for you!
