Ask Dan & Jennifer

just a very quick shot:
It sounds to me like you are putting a lot of effort into making the sexual experience special and joyful for him - maybe now it's your turn to get your needs met?
I mean if he gets horny from foreplay thats great, but that doesn't mean that you two have to proceed to intercourse right away. After all, sex is a two way street and this is not just about his wishes, but just as much about yours. And in that process a guys dick can get hard and then soft and then hard again... in any case, you have all the time in the world to meet both your needs.

Did you ever tell him specifically what you would enjoy? I mean, really in detail ("when you kiss me here and here, that makes me feel so good" etc.). Maybe he just doesn't know what he would have to do to please you? Foreplay means very different things to different people. (btw, I personally really don't like the word foreplay, because to me it seems to imply that this is all stuff that doesn't really count - just a "foreplay" to the real thing. But of course, all of this is part of sex! If sex were just intercourse, how boring would that be...?)

Another thing: Whenever he does something you like, maybe you can give him lots of great feedback, let him know how much you enjoy it (through words, gestures, moans, ...)? That might work better than criticising how your sex life is, because in reaction to criticism, most people tend to get defensive... And I would say, definitely let him know what you want right there in the situation so he has the chance to adjust his actions in the moment. If you don't want to have intercourse (yet), maybe you could tell him what it is you'd rather wish for now (or that what he is doing right now feels sooooo good...).

If all that doesn't help, maybe you could talk about the situation in a neutral setting, outside the bedroom, not immediately after sex, and in a setting where you are both relaxed and have time to talk. Maybe you could think about ways to explain your wishes or feelings to him without accusing him before the conversation. This is an information about how YOU feel, not a judgement on his sexual performance (another woman might be completely happy with what he is doing. But - this isn't about another woman, this is about you.). If he truly cares about you, he will surely be interested in your sexual wishes and desires as well. I think, most guys want to be good lovers, they just sometimes need some advice on how to get there :-)

I hope this is of any help at all. I mean, obviously these things depend a lot on the couple and the chemistry and hundreds of other things, and what might be right for me might do nothing for you. I wish you best of luck and all!

You didn't mention your ages... and that can be a very important issue. Younger men generally have higher testosterone levels than older ones. The higher the testosterone levels, the more agressively impulsive most men will be. So if he's in his teens or early to mid-twenties, that can be a huge factor. Not much you can do about that but it does explain some things.

Next, sex is just like playing baseball... it's a learned skill. But many young men are so sexually impulsive that they don't "get it" that there's a lot to learn with regard to sexual techniques, focus, effective interplay, etc. They think that if you put it in and cum that they are successful. You know... rub rub, squirt squirt! Also, many younger men are so self-centered (egocentric) at that time in their lives that they find it difficult to focus on anything other than what "they" want.

So, what's a girl to do? Sex education 101!

Men have very fragile ego's (I'm sure you've heard that before) so it's best to go slow and choose your words carefully. Never issue an ultimatum unless you're ready to follow through on it. Never! If he becomes defensive because of your statements or actions, that can't help either of you. So take the discussion out of the bedroom or wherever you normally have sex. Go somewhere neutral where you can't have sex... like a restaurant, etc.

Very Important: Guys respond more positively when their woman is direct with them... no "game playing" or "hinting," etc. Those are techniques from the old days when women had to be "coy" to be able to get what they want from their men. Those days are over. Guys are generally not as "intuitive" as women so for them, you have to clearly spell things out. It's not that they're slow or stupid... it's just the way that they are wired. Be direct and forthright in your communications with him and you'll get much further, much faster.

You might say something like... "I love having sex with you... and for it to happen more often, it has to be equally good for both of us. Do you agree?" Then tell him that you know what turns him on and that you really enjoy doing those things for him... but that sex is a "give and take" activity... it's not one sided.

The object here is not to tell him what he needs to do, but what YOU ARE GOING TO DO. The focus here is about what you're going to do to make sex better for both of you! Tell him that from now on, when you're having sex with him, that you will tell him directly what feels good for you... and what you want him to do more of.... and that as he does those things for you, that you respond by doing more of what really turns him on. It's a "give and take" activity, remember?

Tip: When talking about this subject, always use "we" rather than "you" in your conversations about sex.

Tell him that sex with him is great... and that as humans, we can always improve... and as that happens, we both get more and more turned on and passionate... and evey man LOVES a passionate woman who loves passionate sex! Find a way to convey to him that by taking things slow and giving us what we both want that it will pay off for both of us big-time in longer and more passionate lovemaking... and let him know very clearly that is your goal. To make your sex together not just great, but awesome and legendary! And really, really HOT! You have to educate him on how our investment of time and effort on this will pay-off for him. Remember that men are object oriented and visually oriented so use words and images that hit him on those levels. It's a much stronger motivation for him.

Bottom Line: Show him how giving you what you want/need will benefit him even more than what you're now doing together.

Best of luck to you and your fiance...

Here's a tip you can use. It's called the "Sexual-Stimulus Response" trick.

During foreplay, before you start to stimulate him, simply put his hands where you want them to be, and do the motions that you like. Then...let go.

If you're playing with him at the same time and he stops, then you stop! And 'remind his hands' what to do. Once he gets started again, you can go back to rewarding him.

After a few times he'll get the idea.

And like Alice and Paul said, be direct in your communication. Tell him exactly what you want...but in a way that won't hurt his ego or make him defensive. Example, during foreplay, while he's stimulating you, tell him to do what you want, communicate the speed/pressure you like etc. Ultimate, you can even tell him to give you an orgasm.

Hope that helps!

I have to totally agree with everything I've heard so far.

What I've learned is lots of guys love to know they're getting the job done. So along with the hand trick mentioned earlier, tell him exactly what you like him to do and what response it gets from you. ex- "I get soo turned on when you kiss my breasts."
Guys love hearing that they can make their woman happy, even younger guys because for them its a matter of pride a lot of the time. A man may feel less than masculine when they can't do the job but if you can coach him gently into putting himself in the right spot you have a much better chance of getting what you want.

Also, start the foreplay slow. Run your hands up and down each others arms lightly, to stimulate nerves. Back rubs, feet massages, a shower together. Feed each other chocolate or ice cream or fruit or any other "sensual food". It doesn't have to be right away with the grope and fondle. If its drawn out it gives you a chance to get more aroused and if you start slowly then it'll last longer.

sometimes males are self centered and thinks about themselves all the time, this maybe a big problem, if you had done all the things these experts told you to do then I guess your relationship wont work, both of you should be sexually satisfied with each other, if he is the only one satisfied then you will surely feel like left behind and used.

You told him want you want and then he got upset. What else can you do? Find someone else who will.