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This morning I woke up and got on facebook. My boyfriends phone was blocked, and yesterday I was having a bad day, so I wanted to explain it to him. As I was typing it, I recieved a message from him, telling me that it was over because everything he does he has to take me into consideration and he just cant do it anymore.
Let me fill you in on a few things. We had been struggling with some insecurity/anxiety issues of mine for a while. I was doing my best to work through them, and I thought we were doing really well! I thought things were turning for the better! We had a physical passion, and he kept telling me how much he loves me and admires me for knowing what I want out of life.
Yesterday was different. We're at school and I was grumpy to begin with. I was nonresponsive to him because I had alot going through my mind. I was a wreck inside. Then, I had to help with this math contest, which involved alot of running back and forth. Then, right after, I learned I had to help with a pep rally, because I'm on the sound crew. So I did even more running back and forth, trying to get mikes set up on time and dealing with the floods of students coming into the auditorium. I was at my breaking point. Afterschool, after talking around and right as I had to leave, he asked me what was wrong, and I said nothing and that I had to go. He offered a hug, and he gave me one, but I didn't hug him back. He said I love you, but I couldn't respond because I was afraid I was going to break down.
I don't know if this triggered it, or what. His phone was blocked and still is, so I can't get a hold of him. I had no way of telling him why I was upset yesterday. And then he messages me, telling me its over and that he can't hold me back anymore...that this is it and he's not going to give me another chance. We broke up once before last year, and we got back together, but this time its for real. It seemed to come out of the blue...I thought we were doing so much better...he TOLD me that he was glad to see I was confident the day before!!! I don't understand why he chose NOW to do end it, especially when his phone was blocked!!!!
This isn't the first time he broke up in a cowardly way. Last year I came to his locker after school the day before spring break, and he told me it was over, and didn't even explain why! He ran off, and I was left there in the hallway, breaking down. He told me later when we got back together that he would talk to me if it happened again. Nope.
So I'm at a loss for words. I sent him a message back, saying that it really is over, and that he was a coward. I told him I was glad to be moving on. But even though to some degree I am relieved, I am really really shaken up. I gave so much to him! I almost had sex with him; I was probably only a week or two away from giving him my virginity. We did other physical things that were really really close to sex, and I let him see parts of me that I wouldn't dream of showing anyone else. I feel so used. I feel really slutty. What if my next boyfriend feels bad about me having a physical past with someone else? I don't want to even think of what he will be doing with other girls...it hurts too bad.
I know I will get over this. There were just too many ways we were incapatible that I didn't see. He was really social, I wasn't. He was considering going to a different country to study physics, I was really worried about that. He was a teaser, I'm really sensitive, etc. It's just really hard to imagine a life without him. What if my insecurity issues carry on to my next relationship? Will I ever be confident enough not to drive someone away? Will I ever be able to trust someone with my body and my soul?
Okay now I know I'm really young...just about to head off to college...and I have my whole life ahead of me. It's scary though. I don't want to deal with having crushes and getting rejected. I don't want to think of him everytime I'm with someone else. Now that I've been some what physically active, I get really physically frustrated sometimes, but I can't satisfy myself alone. I've already tried. I always think about how lonely I am when I try. And now, Ill end up thinking about how the last time I felt this good physically how I ended up getting used.
So basically, I need tips on moving on with my life. I'm young, but I have alot of issues. I know that when I move on it will be the most liberating feeling in the world, but for now, being a good 4 months away from graduation, Its going to be a real struggle. Especially with the physical frustration. So any advice you have would be good. :)
Let me fill you in on a few things. We had been struggling with some insecurity/anxiety issues of mine for a while. I was doing my best to work through them, and I thought we were doing really well! I thought things were turning for the better! We had a physical passion, and he kept telling me how much he loves me and admires me for knowing what I want out of life.
Yesterday was different. We're at school and I was grumpy to begin with. I was nonresponsive to him because I had alot going through my mind. I was a wreck inside. Then, I had to help with this math contest, which involved alot of running back and forth. Then, right after, I learned I had to help with a pep rally, because I'm on the sound crew. So I did even more running back and forth, trying to get mikes set up on time and dealing with the floods of students coming into the auditorium. I was at my breaking point. Afterschool, after talking around and right as I had to leave, he asked me what was wrong, and I said nothing and that I had to go. He offered a hug, and he gave me one, but I didn't hug him back. He said I love you, but I couldn't respond because I was afraid I was going to break down.
I don't know if this triggered it, or what. His phone was blocked and still is, so I can't get a hold of him. I had no way of telling him why I was upset yesterday. And then he messages me, telling me its over and that he can't hold me back anymore...that this is it and he's not going to give me another chance. We broke up once before last year, and we got back together, but this time its for real. It seemed to come out of the blue...I thought we were doing so much better...he TOLD me that he was glad to see I was confident the day before!!! I don't understand why he chose NOW to do end it, especially when his phone was blocked!!!!
This isn't the first time he broke up in a cowardly way. Last year I came to his locker after school the day before spring break, and he told me it was over, and didn't even explain why! He ran off, and I was left there in the hallway, breaking down. He told me later when we got back together that he would talk to me if it happened again. Nope.
So I'm at a loss for words. I sent him a message back, saying that it really is over, and that he was a coward. I told him I was glad to be moving on. But even though to some degree I am relieved, I am really really shaken up. I gave so much to him! I almost had sex with him; I was probably only a week or two away from giving him my virginity. We did other physical things that were really really close to sex, and I let him see parts of me that I wouldn't dream of showing anyone else. I feel so used. I feel really slutty. What if my next boyfriend feels bad about me having a physical past with someone else? I don't want to even think of what he will be doing with other girls...it hurts too bad.
I know I will get over this. There were just too many ways we were incapatible that I didn't see. He was really social, I wasn't. He was considering going to a different country to study physics, I was really worried about that. He was a teaser, I'm really sensitive, etc. It's just really hard to imagine a life without him. What if my insecurity issues carry on to my next relationship? Will I ever be confident enough not to drive someone away? Will I ever be able to trust someone with my body and my soul?
Okay now I know I'm really young...just about to head off to college...and I have my whole life ahead of me. It's scary though. I don't want to deal with having crushes and getting rejected. I don't want to think of him everytime I'm with someone else. Now that I've been some what physically active, I get really physically frustrated sometimes, but I can't satisfy myself alone. I've already tried. I always think about how lonely I am when I try. And now, Ill end up thinking about how the last time I felt this good physically how I ended up getting used.
So basically, I need tips on moving on with my life. I'm young, but I have alot of issues. I know that when I move on it will be the most liberating feeling in the world, but for now, being a good 4 months away from graduation, Its going to be a real struggle. Especially with the physical frustration. So any advice you have would be good. :)
