My boyfriend and his baby's mama

in Love and Relationships » Relationship Advice • 3 years ago

I have been dating this guy for about 6 months now and he is really sweet and he has a good heart. He is a great person and a great father, but sometimes he can be too nice and easily taken advantage of. He have a great time together and he is everything I ever wanted in a man and he adores me and feels the same way about me. The problem is he doesn't want to be on bad terms with the mother of his child so he tries hard to keep piece with her. He still cuts her grass, changes the oil in her car, gives her money to help with bills when she needs it because she claims that she is struggling right now and I think he feels obligated to help her because of the child. Just recently he asked what I thought about the two of them doing things together for the sons sake, exp.... Taking their son to the park together. I have a problem with this. I feel that if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, you don't need to be alone together. I feel as if they can do things on their own time with the child. They dont need each other to take him to the park, it only takes 1 person to do that. He doesnt see anything wrong with it, claims that is how his family does things. On top of this, I am never really around the child. I come over to his house on days that his son is not there. I think this is because she really doesn't want him around me and my boyfriend doesn't object because he just wants to keep piece. I have really fallen for him and I thought he was "the one" I just dont know what to do. I really dont want to leave him, but I wont be happy feeling like a 3rd wheel all the time. What other options do I have? Can I see this differently? Please any advise will help.

Confused

Replies(4)

fawkse

Re: My boyfriend and his baby's mama

3 years ago

you are feeling perfectly natural. it's hard to find a comfort zone when dealing with ex's and children.
after 6 months invested, you should try to get your boyfriend to introduce you to his son, and also his ex. meeting face to face may be nerve racking, but you grils both will have an understanding that the child's best intrest is the highest concern.
talk with your boyfriend, and let him know that it is important fou you to be involved more in his child's life. tell him you care very much (love), and you want to be able to have a bond with his child. it's perfectly natural to have mixed feelings about the ex, so please don't show too much insecurity when talking. at least not on the first major talk...
this is something i want to share with you:
my son's natural father also has a daughter from a previous marriage. when we were seeing eachother, his ex wife and i actually became distant friends. she knew she could trust me with her daughter. the little one and i developed a step parent/ distant relative relationship. my son and his sister know eachother, and still can see eachother when ever they want even though the father and i have been split up for years.
this relationship that his ex and i had made the father extremely mad. he couldn't figure out why we weren't fighting over him! lol it drove him nutts!
when there are children involved, we as adults must remeind ourselves that we are the adults. we directly influence them. we are their role models. if they see us behaving like jealous brats, what do you think they are going to do? they are going to act out our issues!
you sound like you have what it takes to make this relationship work. all you really need to do is try to get more involved with the family. if he really cares for you, he'll respect your wishess too. take some time out and talk. then relax and see what can be done.
good luck
~fawkse~

confused_..

Re: My boyfriend and his baby's mama

3 years ago

Thanks Fawkse. Since I posted that the other there has been drama. It was my boyfriends turn to have his son yesterday and the baby mama uses this excuse "I want to come visit my son" and my boyfriend being the nice and naive person that he is allows her to come see him .... to make a long story short. The baby mama and my boyfriend got into it really bad and she pushed him and he ended up pushing her 2 or 3 times because she was trying to take his son away from him. He ended up letting the son go with her because he was so angry he wanted to hit her. So, he is seeking joint custody of the child today. I think he needs to take out a restraining order out against her too otherwise all the arguing is going to continue to go on and that is the main reason they are not together anyway because he didn't want his son to grow up in that kind of environment. If I am ever around when she is acting like that I dont know if I should jump in and take care of her for him or what!!! I dont want to make things worse than they are. I wouldn't mind being friends with her, that is really what I want to have an understanding with her, I think that is the most mature way but she is not that mature and she still has not gotten over their breakup.

fawkse

Re: My boyfriend and his baby's mama

3 years ago

if you choose to act in a violent way towards the ex, you really wont be solving any matters. oh yes, it would be so nice to rip someone's head off and mount it over your fire place... but in reality, that's never the best solution.
until either one of those two decide to put an end to their drama, it's never going to get better. believe me, once someone has had enough, they will make it a point to be done.
i would just keep my cool sweet heart. the child needs a stable person in it's environment, and with you showing to your boyfriend that you can remain level headed when the ex's act outs flare up may actually help him to try to do it as well. lead by example. it may take time, but remind him by your actions why the fighting is unhealthy. feeding into the emotions will only post pone any healing for any of you. you got to be stronger and smarter... plain and simple...
as for custody arrangements, if you are willing let him know you want to be there for him and the child no matter what. show him if you are ready, that your are willing to become a third parent figure to the child. he may end up getting full custody, and this child will be there all of the time.
i know it's hard right now, and i know you feel like snapping. these feeling are totally normal and healthy. just don't create more drama than is all ready present. that wont do any of you any favors.
good luck,
~fawkse~

confused_..