Ask Dan & Jennifer

My big question is how "together" or exclusive are you in this relationship? are you two living together? more importantly is it a clearly agreed-upon exclusive relationship - or still in the casual dating phase?

it shouldn't matter if the trainer is gay or straight - any more than it matters if your wife's trainer is gay or straight for a straight guy. what matters is the trust level you have.

And of course the commitment level and dynamics of the relationship. do you feel that your partner's actions are ever intended to make you jealous - i.e. "game playing"?

IF you do talk to him about it - which you probably should (letting something like that faster only makes it worse) - whatever you do, don't use the word "you" since that puts the other person on the defensive.

You can and should share that you feel uncomfortable about something or other, but the memento you bring up "you did this" or "you're doing that" the other person gets defensive and the discussion loses any hope of achieving a positive conclusion.

Let us know how it goes!

Originally posted by: Rainbow_Love
I am a white male in a gay relationship, I recently move to another location temporarily to build finances to help our living situation, however i am having this bad feel about my partner messing around with his Trainer He says that is straight and has a kid and girlfriend but why is he spending a lot of time with him? What steps should i go about confronting him?

-- Jason

Hi, Jason.

Thank you for reaching out. I understand it can be challenging confronting someone about unfaithfulness. You are doing the right thing by asking for advice before you take action.

So, let's try an d break this down a little...OK - take a breath.

Are you for certain that your partner is being unfaithful? Do you have cold hard evidence? Before you confront him I would like for you to think about this from a place of groundedness and not fear.

What are your feelings telling you?

After thinking about this situation a little deeper, here is a process you can take that will ensure a healthy way to communicate your ideas.

1. Think about it and feel it out. How long have you been feeling this way and what evidence do you have to back it up? Ask yourself questions - the right questions. Like: Am I over reacting? Do I feel our realtionship is threatened because of A, B and C reasons? Is my partner simply creating a platonic friendship with his trainer?

2. If you are still certain that your partner is not being faithful, you can most certainly approach him. This is a very sensitive step, because you don't want to bombard him with questions or with your anxiety. Yes, this is probably really painful and difficult for you, but try to stay grounded and non-reactive. And I can't reiterate it enough - make sure YOU are SURE and not acting from a place of jealousy.


After such inner is done work can you approach him with clarity. Ask him. You don't even have to ask him in a way that sounds accusatory. You can simply say something like this: Hey ____how are you? I'm feeling a little insecure about our relationship and just want to make sure that we are fine and if there is anything I can do to________.

Play around with it or even practice with a close friend. This sounds weird, but it really works when you role play.

Well, Jason. i hope this wasn't too overwhelming for you. I believe you'll do the right thing.

let me know how it goes or if you need anymore support.

Your friend,

Greg Halpen

The Gay Guy's Love Coach