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He's 21 and I'm 19 .I'm a virgin and I don't know what to do.We've almost had sex a million of times but he won't because he thinks I'm still afraid because I was molested .How do I prove that I'm not afraid.Also, what exactly do I do in bed:confused:
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Re: My boyfriend is more experienced than me
2 years ago
You don't say why he believes there is a reason you are afraid of sexual activity. I'm wondering if your body language isn't communicating something that you aren't consciously aware of. That is very common among abuse survivors.
I could give you a lot of advice on how to "act" in bed, but I don't think that's what you need. I think the first step here is to communicate openly with him, when you're not in the process of foreplay or sex. "Yes, I was abused and it makes me nervous. But, I love you and I want to make love to you." Then, you will know what to do. Don't expect skyrockets the first few times you make love. Like jumping off a high dive, it takes a few times to learn to relax. That's true for anyone. Once you're through that, a great reference is The Joy of Sex. It's available in any major bookstore. The biggest thing is for you to show him how to help you relax. This varies from woman to woman. It could include a long time of just snuggling or actual foreplay, or slowly undressing, or a million other things depending on what works for you. Remember, sex is a completely natural act for you. At an instinctive level, you'll know what to do.
I could give you a lot of advice on how to "act" in bed, but I don't think that's what you need. I think the first step here is to communicate openly with him, when you're not in the process of foreplay or sex. "Yes, I was abused and it makes me nervous. But, I love you and I want to make love to you." Then, you will know what to do. Don't expect skyrockets the first few times you make love. Like jumping off a high dive, it takes a few times to learn to relax. That's true for anyone. Once you're through that, a great reference is The Joy of Sex. It's available in any major bookstore. The biggest thing is for you to show him how to help you relax. This varies from woman to woman. It could include a long time of just snuggling or actual foreplay, or slowly undressing, or a million other things depending on what works for you. Remember, sex is a completely natural act for you. At an instinctive level, you'll know what to do.
Leave a comment on Beagle's reply
Re: My boyfriend is more experienced than me
2 years ago
For your first time take things slow.
It may hurt becasue your hymen may still be in tact. I would suggest having a towel on hand to clean up any mess that this can cause. If its your first time make sure you guys take it slow becasue you could be tight and need adjusting. You will loosen up over a period of having sex, and it will be come easier and better.
There can be some pain the first few times, but it should not be extremely painful. Communication is key in having sex so you both are having a good time. While having sex, just let things go and just enjoy the moment, say things that you wish to enhance the moment. If you mess up just laugh and continue.
It may hurt becasue your hymen may still be in tact. I would suggest having a towel on hand to clean up any mess that this can cause. If its your first time make sure you guys take it slow becasue you could be tight and need adjusting. You will loosen up over a period of having sex, and it will be come easier and better.
There can be some pain the first few times, but it should not be extremely painful. Communication is key in having sex so you both are having a good time. While having sex, just let things go and just enjoy the moment, say things that you wish to enhance the moment. If you mess up just laugh and continue.
Leave a comment on Xero's reply
reassure him
2 years ago
If you feel that you are ready to have sex, maybe you could verbally tell him that. When you two are about to have sex, actually say to him, "I am ready to make love with you". You can also tell him this when there isn't foreplay happening too.
If I were him, I would be worried about whether you're ready or not. I would be worried of pressuring you to have sex if I asked you or actually penetrated you. So if you tell him that you're ready then he will be certain.
(I don't know if he is ready or not yet though, perhaps you could ask him that and have a conversation about sex in general? Before I lost my virginity, I discussed it with my boyfriend so that we were on the same page, like using condoms. We also went condom shopping together and read some things online beforehand. It really helped bring us closer together and tested us to make sure we were ready for sex.)
If I were him, I would be worried about whether you're ready or not. I would be worried of pressuring you to have sex if I asked you or actually penetrated you. So if you tell him that you're ready then he will be certain.
(I don't know if he is ready or not yet though, perhaps you could ask him that and have a conversation about sex in general? Before I lost my virginity, I discussed it with my boyfriend so that we were on the same page, like using condoms. We also went condom shopping together and read some things online beforehand. It really helped bring us closer together and tested us to make sure we were ready for sex.)
Leave a comment on kettlekorn_danjenn's reply
Re: My boyfriend is more experienced than me
2 years ago
Sounds like a good guy as he doesnt want to hurt you. This may sound weird but when it comes to sex some guys just don't care.
Smile when you tell him you're ready. A smile is magic. A frown can make you seem unsure or scared etc.
Good luck. :)
Smile when you tell him you're ready. A smile is magic. A frown can make you seem unsure or scared etc.
Good luck. :)
Leave a comment on grotesque_danjenn's reply
Girl, here is what not to do
2 years ago
I totally agree with that guy above, it will come natural to you. But here is some things you should AVOID when your big moment comes.
1.) Do not put pressure on the situation to "just get it over with". This is your moment, not his. He apparently has already had sex
2.) Don't put too much pressure on yourself to make it the "perfect moment". Your going to go through alot of emotions at once being exposed to that kind of environment; fear, excitement, anxiety and being overwhelmed are all possible. Try and relax as much as you can and if you start feeling overwhelmed just slow down a little bit.
3.) Keep to the basics! You don't need to WOW him the first time, just the fact that your underneath him is probably enough for him. No tricks, no crazy positions, but don't just lie there either. You can do alot with your legs and your hips with him on top to make things better or tease him. These are very basic moves and you don't need practice for um. Go for it!
4.) Since this is your first time, make use of #3 to control the amount of penetration you receive. If he goes to deep and it starts to hurt then don't be afraid to tilt your hips back a bit to give him a signal. This is what I like to call sex body language. If your tilted up, he can go deep, if your tilted down he can pull back. This also will come natural to you but still, it's better to figure it out now then the second or third time (which might immediately follow :) ).
5.) Don't forget to breathe! If you breathe too fast you might hyperventilate and if you forget you might pass out!
Happy Hunting!
p.s. I was raped when I was 12, had the mans baby and gave it up for adoption when he was 2 days old in the hospital. I had no emotional troubles with the first time and my advice; look into his eyes and tell him that your ready and if there is anything HE feels uncomfortable about with you being abused, that he can talk to YOU about them. Sometimes men are too careful. Thats when us women put them in line. If you have truly dealt with it and are OK that doesn't necessarily mean he will be too. Talk to him. Communication in the end SOLVES EVERYTHING!.
1.) Do not put pressure on the situation to "just get it over with". This is your moment, not his. He apparently has already had sex
2.) Don't put too much pressure on yourself to make it the "perfect moment". Your going to go through alot of emotions at once being exposed to that kind of environment; fear, excitement, anxiety and being overwhelmed are all possible. Try and relax as much as you can and if you start feeling overwhelmed just slow down a little bit.
3.) Keep to the basics! You don't need to WOW him the first time, just the fact that your underneath him is probably enough for him. No tricks, no crazy positions, but don't just lie there either. You can do alot with your legs and your hips with him on top to make things better or tease him. These are very basic moves and you don't need practice for um. Go for it!
4.) Since this is your first time, make use of #3 to control the amount of penetration you receive. If he goes to deep and it starts to hurt then don't be afraid to tilt your hips back a bit to give him a signal. This is what I like to call sex body language. If your tilted up, he can go deep, if your tilted down he can pull back. This also will come natural to you but still, it's better to figure it out now then the second or third time (which might immediately follow :) ).
5.) Don't forget to breathe! If you breathe too fast you might hyperventilate and if you forget you might pass out!
Happy Hunting!
p.s. I was raped when I was 12, had the mans baby and gave it up for adoption when he was 2 days old in the hospital. I had no emotional troubles with the first time and my advice; look into his eyes and tell him that your ready and if there is anything HE feels uncomfortable about with you being abused, that he can talk to YOU about them. Sometimes men are too careful. Thats when us women put them in line. If you have truly dealt with it and are OK that doesn't necessarily mean he will be too. Talk to him. Communication in the end SOLVES EVERYTHING!.
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