Ask Dan & Jennifer

This video should help:

I've already saw the video, and I think I could make her like it and she would be more open to it, but I firstly need the chance to show her that, our relationship is getting closer so maybe soonish

Foreplay with her alot, and make her extremely warmd up, play with her make her feel more comftorable as you foreplay, finger her anal let her get used to it little by little and mayb oneday she might say screw it, lets do it(w/o being drunk).

It's a good idea, I was thinking of anal play before but I think she will freak, get annoyed, think I'm obsessed or get mad because I didn't ask first, although maybe if this happened drunk she would be open for it sober aswell, worth a try, bring on the alcohol... now just to wait.. drinking isn't that often.

Oh yea and make sure shes not drunk or have drinkd, when you're trying to get her used to the pain and not numbing it.

Originally posted by: scifi_aaron
My Fiancée doesn't have a problem with anal sex and openly talks about it, she says even when sober that she will only do it drunk. I know she liked it when we did it before, but now she seems very uninterested unless she is really drunk...

Are you using a good lubricant?

Hi Aaron,

So are you guys using LOTS of lube? I mean a good, heavy duty water soluble lubricant. Oh, and never use desensitizing / warming lubes for anal, only good quality heavy duty lube.

We recommend a high quality lube like Maximus, it's the best one we've used to date. Very thick, doesn't get sticky, and washes off right away with just water.

Also remember to be very, very gentle back there; anal is never a good time for rough play as you can cause serious harm with even a little roughness.

What other sexual activities do you guys engage in as a couple?

Basically what I'm wondering is "what changed"? she liked it before, why not anymore? If you DID do it frequently before and stopped because of too much pain, she might need to see a doctor to be sure she's OK back there.

But do you two just have regular missionary sex and occasionally try anal? Or do you try lots of new things, new positions, new sex games, etc. If you're not venturing out too much now may be a great time. Set aside intimate time (i.e. Friday evenings) for a hot sexy date, followed by some new sex adventures, new positions, etc. Don't just get on the bed and "have sex", that gets boring, and it becomes routine, so you end up not wanting to do that one extra thing that's different.

To get you thinking along those lines, how about sharing some sexual fantasies with one another if you're not doing that regularly already. we shared the idea before of a "fantasy box" where you each put a few pieces of paper each with a secret fantasy. and on hot date night, you take turns pulling out a fantasy. you both have to agree of course, but the whole process will be great fun and will allow you two to play more together.

Waiting for her to be intoxicated so she doesn't feel it just sounds like a bad idea waiting to happen.. instead work your way up to trying a bunch of new things with her while you're both sober, and work you way back to doing more regular anal - IF she is ok with that. it could be that she no longer wants to do it, just keep that in mind as well.

Originally posted by: scifi_aaron
Any of those that just want to say I'm lying, how dirty it is or make fun, well your just going to waste your own time, and ours.

LOL, sorry that's not allowed here, and it would be a quick way for someone to get banned from the Forums. It's always ok to disagree respectfully, but never to put anyone down or hassle them for their questions. :)

Also, check out these related anal sex videos...

For The Last Time... Is Anal Sex REALLY Dangerous?

Anal Sex - How Much Is Too Much?

Can We Have Anal Sex Without Lube?

Help! Anal Sex Is The ONLY Way His Penis Stays Hard!

Things are a bit different to what you so far think, I'll try to explain.

I've never been with anyone experienced before but I was with someone for a long time and we experimented a lot in that time and so I did things a lot.
Since then I found someone better of course and we got engaged, at first though we both went out weekly and got drunk and then would have normal drunk horny sex lol..
When she is drunk she is really horny and up for things, she asked a few times, if I wanted to do something really dirty and I mentioned it and she was up for it, we tried it, with lube of course, a water based, durex tingle, probably not the best to use, she was enjoying it and basically wanted it really rough, so I did, by then I should have topped up lube. Anyway then after a few minutes it started to hurt her, so we stopped.
After that day she said it didn't really hurt and she got carried away because she liked it.
That was the only time we tried it, she said, we'll try again next week.. then when it came she said, I don't think I'm recovered from last time yet(in a humorous way) and said, maybe next week, now it's been several months and she just really isn't taking to the idea at all.
Even when she's sober I asked why do you need to be drunk to do it, and she said because then she is more open and it numbs it a bit.
Other things we do.. normal kind of sex, only 3 probably most popular position, missionary, girl on top, and doggy
She has a rabbit vibrator and a bullet, I don't feel like we have sex regularly enough to bring these things into our joint sex life much, so she either uses it on herself after sex or before with my control.
Oral sex happens sometimes, but she has a thing about being really clean, so I can't give oral unless she has just showered, and vice versa, she also hates the taste of cum, male and female so she won't do it after starting sex and won't swallow, not that this should affect much, but it in a way ruins intimacy as she runs into the bathroom each time then washes out her mouth, then gets a drink and finally comes back to me.
She has a full time job and I'm working part time at the moment, hours change each week, so some days I could start work when she finishes work, and that's the whole day gone, no time together except eating before bed.
It also tires her out so she doesn't want to do anything sexually anyway half of the time.
We don't play games or anything sexually, we don't share fantasies because I know for a fact she will think they are wrong or dirty.
I find it hard to open up anymore than my partner, and she doesn't want to do anything more than the sex we are with the positions we are.
Her friends said she used to have sex a lot, with the people she was with, so it brings me down that she isn't like that anymore, she was the first month or two with me, it seems the only things that have changed are getting engaged, less alcohol, less time together and moving into a flat(apartment) together bringing money stresses.
She thinks anal sex is dirty but is fine doing it, but I know if I touch her there she will think I'm being dirty and feel uncomfortable, like I said she will only do it drunk.
She just says no to every hint towards it, says it hurts a bit and stuff like that, it's changed a lot since we actually did it and she liked it, at the time it was like she liked it more than anything she's ever done and now she avoids it.
Also I feel like her having sex a lot with her ex's and so on, I don't feel like she is sexually as open with me as many of the other people, maybe even all of her ex's, I doubt she has only ever tried the things she has with me, I know she hasn't had anal sex before, but 3 positions only seems a bit odd with 30+ partners in a few years with constant sex.
This whole thing brings me down and make me depressed, I want to feel better than her ex's and do more than they have, and be more open and intimate, but so far all I have is probably the worst thing someone could say to there partner, which is that I'm better than most of her ex's, but not all, and it didn't bother me too much at the time, at the start of the relationship, because I thought I could learn what she likes and be the best, but since then it is just semi-regular sex with those 3 positions.

Basically I don't think we do it enough to experiment together, see what each other likes and improve and so on....

She's never asked me what I like, I think she just assumes that she knows because of experience, when I ask she just says it's fine how it is, we aren't really going anywhere...

We have different Lube available anyway before I forget, A load of flavoured water based, Durex Feel, Tingle and Heat, Xtreme Pleasure Strawberry, and also strawberry Astroglide, and of course KY Jelly, I think something less watery would be better for next time. But I know the problem isn't the feeling or the lubrication because she would just ask to try another, after it hurt I said next time we'll use a different better one and she agreed, but still hasn't happened.
We use condoms to avoid mess, she wouldn't do it without condoms anyway.

When things are hinted towards anal sex she just turns it back on me and says like... try having something shoved up your.. and so on, but to be honest, I'm open to that anyway, I just can't tell her that yet because she thinks it's gross.

The problem is that she isn't open to it anymore, well, never has been open to it sober, so I assume no-one can really help me, just have to hope we get closer, more time, more sex, intimacy and maybe enough to experiment, because at the moment, I don't try to experiment or anything, I just feel lucky to get what I am given, anything that I bring up could ruin the situation, even though I should really try some time.

It's just really hard for me, I'm really open, but not all that confident, specially when I know what the responses will be.

Hi Aaron, Great details, definitely helps.

Sounds to me like it may have really hurt her, but she wasn't comfortable sharing that with you fully. Or, perhaps it wasn't a physical issue.

Another reason women don't like receiving anal sex (or giving oral sex to their guy for that matter) is because it IS a very submissive feeling for her, and many women aren't comfortable "giving in" like that.

Since it may have been her first time receiving anal sex, she may not have realized that until you did it, and then she wasn't comfortable with how it made her feel. That actually explains why "she's OK with it if she's drunk", because then she can feel that it wasn't so much rally "up to her", it was the booze talking. ;)

But since you're saying that she gets very "sexually liberated" when she drinks some alcohol, that sounds like she has some baggage around women enjoying their sexuality... who knows, maybe an extremist religious upbringing or something of that sort (though you would have mentioned that), but that's just an idea.

So this leads to a bigger issue... how you can help develop her comfort level of letting go enough to fully enjoy her sexuality around you - without the excuse that "it was the booze, not the REAL me".

I think you two could really benefit from taking your sex life up a notch with some new experiences...

Nothing as extreme as threesomes/swinging/BDSM just yet... But look again at my comment below about trying some new thing sexually.. anything to take sex away from a mechanical act into a more fun, enjoyable, erotic event that spans the whole afternoon/evening.

Get her to share her deep, secret sex fantasies... (and share yours too)

We all have them, but we keep them from our partner. One of the great things about a long term relationship with someone you really care about is being able to share your deepest fantasies with that person, the trust, that can really, really, really take your sex life to a new plane.

As an idea: plan a fun, romantic evening, get a nice bottle of wine and a red rose for her, light some candles to set the mood. After a glass or two tease her to share a sexual fantasy, something she's never told anyone. Tell her you really want to please her, to make her fantasies come true... help her trust you and bring you closer together.

You can even suggest the fantasy box idea to her... tell her you heard it you saw it somewhere online.

What is really interesting here.. once you get a feeling for what her sex fantasies are, you have a LOT of options to work with to really spice up your sex life.

For example, just to get you thinking: has she always had a secret fantasy about being with another girl (yeah, yeah, that's usually a guy's fantasy, but many women are "curious"); does she has any BDSM leaning fantasies? you'd be surprised how popular that is, and you may end up with an "intro to BDSM kit" like this one, lol.

The point is to figure out what she's "curious" about or what she fantasizes about... it's not the sex positions, it's what she thinks about when she's masturbating all alone - THAT is where you want to be.

Sex toys can be fun gifts too

You mentioned "she has a vibrator" and a bullet. That's fine, but those are stale by now. Sounds like a gift opportunity (for you both of course). If it's in your budget, getting her a "really nice" new sex toy as a surprise (for your next candlelit evening) could be a winner.

Have you seen the sleek new vibrators by LELO? I particularly like the Elise by LELO. It's not cheap, but it's worth it. Definitely go with the purple if you get it, not the plain old, blah white.

Give all that some thoughts and figure out how to make it happen. I know you want to make the "anal with no booze" thing happen, but I think that's a symptom not the main issue here - and you'd be well advised to deal with the core issues and let that happen in it's own time - it probably will, and much much more.

Sometimes you two are too tired, or too buzy

Dude, that's life... we all get there, we all spend way too long there at times. But you make time one evening a week - you schedule it and make it happen, that intimate time. And even if you schedule it and plan it, it may still falter for whatever reason that week. No problem, you try again next day or next week. Keep the faith, it's worth it.

I'm reminded of a favorite quote of ours from Mike Dooley at Tut.com. Here it is:

"The best way to live the life of your dreams is to start living the life of your dreams Today, in every little way that you possibly can".

And please, please, please don't spend another second thinking about her past sex partners. I can send you to 10 articles on that topic, and over 5 videos we've done on that topic. The short message is she's with YOU now, those guys are history, and digging there or comparing yourself to them is a losing proposition, a waste of your time and more. Trust me on this - those guys were in the past, simple as that - she was a different person then, just as you were a year ago. Move on, don't even go there. :)

Do you have enough sex to really experiment and share fantasies?

To answer that right off - absolutely! Think of it the opposite way actually. Sharing fantasies together will lead to LOTS more sex, it's not the other way around. :cool:

Seduction is a full time game, it doesn't end when you get a date. A woman wants to be seduced, wants to feel desired by her partner, wants to feel "wanted".

So go forth and do that.

Let us know how it goes!!
Dan

Sorry I've been busy lately.

Firstly I'd like to say the sex toys we have were gifts and we have nowhere near enough money to spend that much on a sex toy.

Things were mixed, she pretty much banned me from sex when I tried to explain things but that's because I couldn't explain anything properly and she just thought I meant I needed it and was obsessed.

When she finally got what I meant the next day things were ok, not active sex life due to looking after a cat but when we did have sex things were different and very intimate every time.

But since then we've had a bad day, we argued and stuff, it was quite pointless, she basically got very emotional drunk, we went to a party, it wasn't good, but getting better now.

I told her something last night, but afterwords I felt no relief and now I wish I hadn't told her yet as I am not ready to do what I said to her.

It was only one kind of.. fantasy but I should have mentioned a lot of other things before that.

Anyway since the argument we haven't had sex and we both gave up alcohol as it helps nothing, not even sexual openness anymore, so when we finally do have sex again it should once again be pretty intimate and intense and hopefully things won't go wrong again and will just get better and better until we reach all of those hidden fantasies.

Thanks, after your messages I understood things a little differently and decided to give it more time and not to give up so fast.

Things have went up and down, I tried slowly over time, she tried it with me once, nothing happened, at all, then she gave up, now she totally hates it, she made me choose between her and this, which is more like a fetish now, I seem to be obsessed with it more the longer I go without it, and as it's been over a year it's pretty bad, she won't let me touch her down there in any way and will never, ever try anything again because when we tried she was tense and it hurt, she knows there is other ways to try and things to stop it hurting, I bought some anal eaze gel and a starter set of plugs which go from really small to pretty big in 3 sizes, but she still won't try anything at all. I don't know if I can handle it.. not doing it is fine but knowing you can never ever do something that you want a lot.. I don't know if I can handle that, I'm so depressed over it, I feel so dirty. I wrote everything down and showed her, and told her to try to understand how I felt, she still said no, and got upset and then I felt like shit but she kept making me choose between having those thoughts and being with her.. pretty impossible to stop thoughts or stop liking something, then I had to make everything better and kept trying to keep her because she was going to leave. I pretty much had a mental breakdown for totally unrelated reasons only about a week ago. It's not like I can talk about this subject with anyone I know and it's not like anyone I know would understand.. to be honest it's not as if I really have any real friends..

I'm just thinking now that I'll avoid all sexual activities to lower testosterone and over time maybe when she is begging me for sex because I won't give it in months she might know how I have to feel everyday, even then she won't understand or do it. and even if she's just really horny and says she will do it I know it would just be that time, which would be once again unsuccessful and she would hate it even more, I'd feel even more crap so I just won't do it, I'll just have to keep turning her down even if she offers me everything I want sexually.

I'm pretty sure after a while no sex won't be enough for her so she will cheat or something, even though it kind of always feels like that for me, for years.

Also we talked and stuff, she wanted to do me with a strap on, she said she always wanted one and stuff and it would turn her on, but I really don't feel open enough to do it when she isn't willing to do anything like that for me.

Any comments because I don't know what to do?

If she really doesn't want to then there isn't much you can do. If she really hates it then you shouldn't force her-as you said, you'd feel bad if you force her.

The best I can think of is to forget about it. Sorry.
one question for you: why do you want it so much. It seems to me the only real reason you want it is because you can't have it.
I can all but guarantee you, wait another month or so and you'l have forgotten about it.
I might be able to give you betteradvice, but only if i know why you want it so much.

I don't know why it is so big, if you read the original post maybe you will get a better idea, it is slowly worse the longer I go without it, it is like going without sex, you kind of get desperate for it, I can't help it, I'm never going to force it, but so far it has been over a year and it's still on my mind more than a year ago as far as I can remember, but maybe it was the same, I don't remember, either way I can't help it, it's just a huge turn on and hate that I can't have it anymore, for now it would be ok, but knowing I'd never have it is hard for me to handle, I know it's stupid and I should forget about it, I just can't seem to.

Either come up with a fantasy you want more than anal sex, that she'swilling to do.
Or wait it out-and hope. Stop thinking about it; you know you probably won't get it, so there's no point.
Everyone wants something they can't have. Whether it be monetary, sexually or skill related. You can control those urges, you can control this one.

An amazing thing happened, she went out with friends and got drunk, usual thing for a friday night with friends, when she came home she slept for a while and I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night, she woke up and talked a lot, then I rubbed her back a load and she was getting turned on, then she wanted to have sex so I put a condom on and went for it, I thought I did it wrong because she said "not in there" but then I kept pushing and it wouldn't go in after she moved me. Then she told me to lay down, she got on top and put it in, it was so tight, I wasn't totally sure though so I asked why she was so tight and she said "it's not my cunt" and I haven't done anything sexual in a few days to stop thinking about it, and she did that and was riding me with her ass, it didn't last long lol, not with that build-up, but it was amazing that she did it for me, she said she wanted it when I was rubbing her back, and liked it, and it didn't hurt as much as before. She said she will do it again but only when she wants then she will be more relaxed. In the morning a package came and it was a strap-on, for us both, she got horny just seeing it, we had sex and then I put it on and did her really hard, she loved it and was talking dirty about a load of anal sex and double penetration with the strap on and different positions, and asked me to talk dirty about fucking her ass. Amazing, overnight difference, she is still thinking the same way so it's not just alcohol. she is ready to experiment more with me aswell with anal plugs and stuff. It is really turning her on now, I talked to her because I was confused over the overnight change and she explained that alcohol made her realise she is more for it than she thought and it isn't so bad, but only when she wants to not when I do because she can't relax. She will only do it when she's horny a lot, but it's not hard to do that with a few finger tricks and the strap on.

Wow, literally only a few minutes after I posted that last post she came in and was getting turned on, she told me that she wanted to use her bullet vibrator, and she wanted to use the strap on for double penetration with her on top, and doggy style, I asked which first and she chose the bullet, she used it and came, then she wanted to do double penetration sex with her on top, she tried but the dildo is hollow and it folded so it didn't really work, I asked her what she wanted to do, she said she wanted to sort me out first and then I do her with the strap on, I thought it would just be vaginal, but she lowered herself onto me, inserted me into her anus and rode me slowly, it was amazing, really slow so it lasted longer, she controlled it all, I could tell it hurt a tiny bit for her but in her face I knew she was liking the way it turned her on, but then afterwards she had some discomfort and didn't want to use the strap on for sex. But she was ok and still didn't regret it, she just said she was in a weird comfort zone, I just think it's amazing how she is opening up and we had anal sex twice in 2 days after she said she hated it and never would do it, and it was her idea to, I'm mostly glad that she is open to it sober, because after the first time she said we'd only do it when she wanted to, and that may only be when she's drunk and I'd have to accept that, I did, but I'm glad she's open to it sober aswell, and she is open to using a anal plug once it comes so she can get used to it and lose the pain, so all is good, and I don't even know why I'm posting this, I'm just so happy about it.