My fiance and cheating, what should I do?

in Love and Relationships » Cheating, Infidelity, and Affairs • 2 years ago

I've been with my fiance in a long distance relationship for just over a year and a half. We've shared everything with each other involving our pasts, darkest secrets and such. She cheated on me once and I forgave her since I knew that something like that could happen and even though I was hurt, left it be before she cheated on me a second time with an ex, first in the game Second Life and the other in instant messenger and I forgave her again, said that we'd just get through it.

One of the things that she did before we met until AIM stopped doing it was go into AIM chat and look for people to cyber with, recently she decided to look to see if they had some still or they were back and it turned out they were, because of her past I tried to get her to get out and stop, she didn't and started to flirt while we were on Skype which she felt guilty about and I told her that was fine since she didn't do anything really serious, it wasn't like she cheated or anything in the sense of cyber sex and that was yesterday of the time of this post, even talked to her about changing the passwords for all of her accounts that she had apart from the one she has her best friends on which I did for her since I knew she couldn't do it, I did it with her permission, she gave me the username and passwords.

Earlier today, she made a new account and went on AIM chat with only the intention of talking to people since I was away for a while and she felt lonely, she also suffers from depression and she cheated on me for the third time, she led me to believe that she only had cyber with one person but then revealed that there was two individual people involved due to a slip up. I was hurt when she told me that she had done it with one person but after slipping up and finding out there was two people at least I'm aware about, I don't know whether to break up with her or stick by her.

I said to her that if she did it for a third time that I'd leave her but I do really love her and decided to make an exception, hope to one day get my ass to where she is, the US since I'm in the UK and marry her, I've always had a strong belief that you should stick by the one you love through bumps in the road and when they need you but now I'm confused and really don't know what to do.

Replies(5)

Beagle

Re: My fiance and cheating, what should I do?

2 years ago

Every couple has to define for themselves what the boundaries for their relationship will be. "Cheating" involves a violation of the other person's trust. First, I don't think she's ready to be in a marriage yet. Any relationship can only be as healthy as he emotional health of the least emotionally healthy person. She needs to address the depression first.

Second, she clearly has some boundary issues. You and she have obviously agreed that cybersex with other people isn't something that's allowable in your relationship. If she had boundary problems now, that's going to be a problem after you're married. As you say, in different terms, it's obvious that she's using the cybersex to soothe feelings of loneliness and depression. I think she needs to get to work on her emotional health and make that a priority right now. Then, she'll be ready to take a relationship to the next level.

fairydust

Re: My fiance and cheating, what should I do?

2 years ago

I agree. You need to ask yourself one is she really worth the trouble? I can relate to you when it comes to trust, if she did it once and sincerely regretted it and didnt do it again, I could forgive. But once someone makes the same mistake I start to wonder. You are in a long distance relationship, but do you ever see each other face to face. I have to admid i think long distance relationships are the hardest relationships ever and it takes alot of commitment and hard work. But it just sounds to me that she is just not as commited as you. But you know what give her a last chance, but set your rules this time and make her understand that you are giving her one more chance and that is it, if she does it again it is over. And if it comes to that leave her, becouse if she really wants to have a future with you she would have respect for you. But dont let her her play you for a fool. But i hope for her sake she doesnt betray your love for her. There is a saying: You dont know what you have until you lose it!!

Beagle

Re: My fiance and cheating, what should I do?

2 years ago

Good point, FairyDust. I'm going to pull out the old Scottish saying; "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..."

nova_danj..

Re: My fiance and cheating, what should I do?

2 years ago

Originally posted by: Beagle
Good point, FairyDust. I'm going to pull out the old Scottish saying; "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..."

...shame on me.

That is exactly what I was about to start my post with. She cheated on you three times and you're still thinking about marrying her. What this means, or at least how I'm reading it, is that no matter how many times she cheats on you, you are still willing to tolerate it and let the relationship go on as if nothing happened. If you are willing to let this happen, then by all means continue with the relationship. But if you do, then don't be surprised when it happens the fourth time, and the fifth time, and so on.

fairydust

Re: My fiance and cheating, what should I do?

2 years ago

I understand completely why you would say that.But you need to remember we only know what we see. What I meen is we dont know the deaper part of the relationship, you cant just say let him move on just like that. They have made a commitment with each other and who are we to judge. But I am also not saying he sould just let her keep betraying him. He loves this girl and love is not something you can just buy around the corner. Its not easy in the world we live in today, and in the end he doesnt want to just leave her and say I wish i gave her a chance just maybe she would have.. This way if he gives her a last chance, and tell her if this happens again it is over. If she really loves him and wants to be with him she will change and stop all her bitter ways.This is the ultamite test of there love. And this way he will know if he wants to be with her. If she betrays him again he will know this is not the girl for him and there is someone special out there for him that will love and tresure there relationship and he will find that girl. But sometimes in life we need to take a chance to make sure you dont regret your disisions in the end. Remember people make mistakes, but its how they learn from them that makes us either hate them or like them.