Ask Dan & Jennifer

you have a great girlfriend. listen to her, she is more rigth than you know about this.
this guy you fell for, but you aren't going to get your way here. you are just going to have to realize that. it'll hurt, and it may take you a while to get over him. you will eventually get over him, but it's never going to exactly heal. you will always have some feelings for him that will remain. time will help you realize that even though your care, it wont hurt you as babd as you think.
you are in control of yourslef at all times. if you let yourself be misserable over this guy, you will be until you decide to stop. i know it's hard to think that you have the abililty to control your emotions, but trust me, you do. take back the control here. the other hardest thing to swallow when we loose a guy's interest is that we can not control his actions. you want him to want you, and that is the main reason why you are letting yourself be hurt here. it's easier than said, but let him go.
if i were you, i would treasure the all ready made beautiful relationship you have with your girlfriend. she is there now, and she isn't going to be leaving you. in time you may find another man that will attract your attention. don't be afraid of letting yourself move on too. it's hard somedays, but i know you will get better. just take some time, and think about why it is that you have to have this guy. reflect on it, and then see if you can really put those thought's into his real character. i bet you will see that you fell in love with a false part of him.... something he put's out but isn't really him...
good luck,
~fawkse~

I can't really think of anything better than what Fawkse said to Rachael... Honestly, I've never loved anyone before my fiancee. Scott is the only man I've ever even dated, I met him when I was 19, and now I'm almost 24. I don't really know what it feels like to loose someone other than a platonic friend. My only additional advice to you would be to pray or meditate, to relax and focus your thoughts on yourself and practice self affirmations. That energy you would be using to dwell on the pain of loosing him will then be used to promote positive self thought you most likely need right now. It also helps the soul to feel good again by telling oneself you are good. But be careful with this, because as humans we tend to believe that because "we are good" then "they are bad" which is not necessarily the case. Many times, especially in a relationship like this, it is simply that the 2 parts do not fit together. No one is "wrong" and no one is "bad" it is just not a good
match. Other than that, all I can say is I'm sorry and I hope you're doing better by now. Sorry so late...

I am going through a rather ... something break up. I have loved him probably from the moment I met him, so almost 6 years. And he basically told me he doesn't love me.

Honestly, surround yourself with people who do love you! Your friends, family... I spent the weekend with my dear friends and i got to see the kids that I love so! So, having them as a nice distraction and was a nice reinforcement of "Yes, I am loveable and somebody does love me"... it may be a 3 montho old baby :) and a 2 year old kid... and a friend of mine of 10+ years... He and his wife care a lot about me, because I have been supportive as I do consider them my family! Especially when both of their familes were not supportive :( So, stick with your girlfriend! She loves you and she's right.... I will get over my heartbreak... At least you didn't have a lot of love, emotion, time invested in the guy....?

Hang in there.

Dan here. Didn't know if I was going to touch this thread, it's very heavy... but I poured a fresh glass of cognac and I'll try to share my thoughts and extend our support.

I am sorry for your pain Rachael, I'm sure it hurts, I know it does. There's not much to add to what Fawkse, K., and Jenn said above.

And Jenn, that's a rough situation you're going through, so sorry to see it.

I should start off by saying that the following assumes the situation you are facing now is going to be the way it is now, it cannot be changed. That is the case in death, but also sometimes in relationships when it truly is that last straw. If you think something can be salvaged and that feels right in your heart, then push the self-serving ego aside and do your best to fix it. Anyway.

It seems life is about change and growth, and that afformentioned growth can be pretty painful and on the surface it can really downright suck at times.

Our pain comes from resistance, from our refusal to accept and make peace with the new situation. Once you accept and come to terms with where you are now, the pain will begin to pass. That can take a long time, or it can be faster... it depends.

I think that to go on and keep your sanity you might...
1. accept, and I mean truly accept - not resist - that the situation is now different; accept the new situation and that you cannot control it right now. make peace with where you are now, even if it seems to suck on the surface

2. appreciate and cherish the wonderful times and moments that you did share together. so many people talk self-justify themselves into hating the other person or belittling the experiences shared together just bacause that has changed. And there's no need for that, it won't help; quite the contrary, it will create anger to feed the ego / "pain body".

3. look around and show love and appreciation to the loved ones in your life. no time like the present.

4. understand that happiness is an inner choice, it is not and cannot be something outside of yourself, or you will always be chasing a dream that you can never reach. This is perhaps a hard moment to do that in, but happiness truly comes when you make that decision to "be happy". It's all internal.

We've had the dubious pleasure of enjoying some "growth" of our own this year, some of which you guys are familiar with. First it was 'http://forum.askdanandjennifer.com/topic/in-memory-of-sasha-1997-2008', officially the most painful experience I've ever been through. And we've had a few other significant "challenges", a.k.a. "opportunities for growth".

When Sasha left us, I was literally a wreck for about 2 weeks. Kinda funny when you consider I'd never "had" a dog, and when I met Jennifer she had a dog (Sasha)... who knew how I would bond with her over the coming years, I certainly had no idea.

Anyway, the pain and feeling of emptiness was incredible. As I came to understand later, my pain was coming from my resistance to accepting the change - I was butting heads with the new reality that was facing me and refusing to let it in, and that was causing me great pain. I didn't want her to be done, it's funny but I wanted her back, I would feel her close by and talk to her, etc. I had no idea how much I would miss the varitable carpet of dog hair throughout the house. Anyway.

Then the stupid ego guilt comes over you - did I show her enough love, take her on enough walks, treat her as well as the little psycho baby Yorkie Cujo; why didn't i give her the whole damn block of that stupid imported parmesan she kept wanting more of? All that is stupid, destructive stuff that intellectually I know better than to do, but I still got tangled in it at least a little. All those are plain and simply destructive thoughts, they serve no useful purpose. It's the ego jockeying for position, looking to get center stage. The other term you'll often see is "your pain body".

It's funny, we spend so much of our lives waiting for something to happen, or for something else to happen "to be happy"... when all we truly have is this moment. The past is a foggy dream and the future is an infinite set of possibilities. All we have is "now".

So what better time to look around and say "thank you" for this moment, for the wonderful loving people / animals / souls in my life, for my home, my friends, and all the other wonderful things and circumstances that make up my life.

From a metaphysical sense, expressing gratitude - and that means truly allowing gratitude to flow through you, to believe it (but you can "fake it till you make it" as our good friend Paul says) - is very powerful.

One thing I will say again - don't discount and devalue the good times and loving moments shared because of this current situation. Things, situations, people, places, things come and go according to some cosmic plan that we don't always understand when we're in the middle of the chaos.

Also, check out this book: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It may help better convey some of the concepts I was going on about here.

As our good friend Paul reminds me when we go through difficult, painful times... hang in there, it WILL be OK.