My husband is buying porn every week behind my back and not viewing it with me how do I deal with it - Love & Sex Answers

Loading...

Love and Marriage – Articles, Videos, Tips, and Advice from AskDanAndJennifer.com

Forums

Sex and Intimacy Censorship and Sexual Repression

My husband is buying porn every week behind my back and not viewing it with me how do I deal with it

in Sex and Intimacy » Censorship and Sexual Repression • 3 years ago

I found out he has been charging porn to "his" credit cards (that he doesn't know I have seen statements for.) He makes weekly purchases anywhere from 60 to 100 dollars on this stuff. I have never seen any of it ( I think he looks at it when he's working.) I have told him that I am aware that he does this (although not the frequency or how) and he just got mad that I was snooping. I told him I was ok with porn if it was in our house in our bedroom and I would even share his fantasies with him. But, even since that discussion I noticed more was bought (on his card) and I wasn't informed about it nor was it brought in to our house. Why not??? What really upsets me is that the day before his latest purchase (after this discussion) we had great mind blowing sex, I think because of our open discussion. So,what gives, why the secret and is this an addiction that I need to face head on with him. I don't want him to know I snoop on him but that's just who I am. I have been cheated on before and won't be again! But, if he knows the extent of my snooping he'll be pretty upset and not trust me and I am afraid he'll hide other stuff from me.
I am also afraid that if he's looking at this and buying it on company time and in a company car that he'll loose his job over this. HELP!!!
--Very open but confused wife:confused:

Replies(6)

Re: My husband is buying porn every week behind my back and not viewing it with me how do I deal with it

3 years ago

It does sound like he has an addiction, if he's spending that much money per week on it, and so obviously trying to hide it from you. That's very progressive of you to be ok with your husband viewing porn (not all women are able to handle this), but many men still consider it a private act that their wives should not be included in... a fantasy world... though, I do not know about your husband's personal beliefs. Perhaps the reason he won't let you see the porn he's viewing is because of the content. Maybe he thinks you would find it too wild. No matter what the reasons, it sounds like you both have a problem. It might be beneficial to see a counselor about this before the problem gets worse.

By the way, I totally don't blame you for snooping (even if he might)... I know exactly what you mean about being cheated on before and not wanting to let that happen again.

Re: My husband is buying porn every week behind my back and not viewing it with me how do I deal with it

3 years ago

Thanks for the reply. I have thought of suggesting counseling but it goes back to how do I bring it up? It's like if I am ok with the porn, ok with acting or doing almost anything out that he might want then whats the issue. I have seen some of his "stuf" he bought to look at and none of it has been out of the ordinary (nothing gay, wierd or illegal.) I guess maybe your right that he maybe just likes watching it alone? Really my main issue is all that money being wasted on it. Because it isn't an occasional thing it's soaking up money and accruing interest on a card.
Anyhow thanks for the insight, makes me feel more at ease knowing I am not a total psycho for snooping like I do. :)

How has the progress been?

3 years ago

I was reading your post, and saw that the last response was in October and was wondering how it has been going. I have a similar issue with my husband watching porn with out me and it isn't the same sitch but similar. Its so hard to bring it up sometimes and then it possibly may be causing an argument. Just checking up. Let me know.

Thanks for responding, I was thinking I was salone out there in this.

3 years ago

He was getting better after a small confrontation. I didn't let him know I knew what was going on, I said I had a friend that saw what she thought was him and it opened up a small but "got no where" conversation. He did let up a little bit but...today I got snoopy again and I looked thru his cabinet in the garage and found a LOT of dvd's. Now I am not sure what to do. I am a little peeved because we didn't buy each other Christmas gifts because money was tight but all along instead of all that smut he could have been buying me something for the holiday! Not sure what I should do? Put a note in his stash saying thanks for the jewelry, oh yeah what jewelry, you bought this s--t instead? What do you think, I have to confront this issue because it is making me not want to be intimate anymore. I feel like when he wants it now it's because some flick warmed him up for it. If I disclose that I found his stash he's gonna have trust issues with me snooping, but then again I have them with him because of his secret stash! Any advise would be great! Thanks -V:confused:

Wow

3 years ago

This whole subject makes me so heated. I am a jealous girl... and if he watches the porn, then comes to me... its like that slut on TV ju this slut got him hot... now he is coming to what would feel the best at the time. That in itself makes me so angry. I think we both need to confront the men...be straight up... regardless of trust issues or not. IF we want it to stop, we have to take action. The problem is for me at least, I don't know when he is watching this porn... so I can't really snoop, or I WOULD. For you, my advice, although not great, would be to tell him you found this that and the other. Stress you are the one who wants to make him happy, not some other chick. If new things happen in the bedroom, I(you) want it to happen cuz i(you) am(are) making you(him) hot, or "we" are trying it. Maybe going kinky may help also. Maybe you initiate the porn watching festivitie..if you want to do that. Maybe ask him why he is doing this... I hope this helps, keep me posted. And I with you as well... :(

Beagle

Mental Health Perspective

3 years ago

Vivian: You don't seem to be overreacting. It isn't like this is a Playboy he looks at occasionally. This has reached the point that it's becoming a major part of his life and is impacting the family's finances. That's going past casual use. It sounds like he may have crossed the line into compulsive behavior.

It sounds like you may need more help than you can get on a Forum. Obviously, I don't know your religious background, but here is a site that helps link people in these situations to resources. I think the lady's account will strike a chord with you.

Dealing With Internet Pornography Addiction

FYI, this is a growing problem. The number one reason that pastors seek mental-health services is compulsive use of internet pornography. The fact that he got angry when you mentioned it is a sign that he's developing a problem with it.

The majority of people who view pornography do so responsibly and occasionally. However, like alcohol or gambling, some will develop a problem with it. I don't think you're just blowing things out of proportion.

Best wishes in dealing with this situation. There is no easy answer.