Ask Dan & Jennifer

I thought maybe he needs something new in the bedroom so i went out a bought some fishnet stocking , high heels and a black see through top and believe me He wasn't watching any porn that night insteed we made our own that night.

We can talk about this, and we chatted a little last nite, as well, he found out that I was looking for "some ideas" and that really turned him on, and we had what we both thot was amazing sex. This is what I am worried about... that I can give it to him, but he is gonna continue to look at this stuff... so how did you keep him off of it?

I did the same thing and the buying didn't stop. I now noticed that the "new" stuff we tried made it into his collection of porn and now he wants that "new" stuff added into our routine. I am as lost as you. I wish I had some better advice for you but, I think maybe we have to live with it? I have even offered to go with him to buy the porn and he still prefers to go alone.

i dont think u should be jealous because i am pretty sure when he is masturbating to porn when he feels the most excitement and just before he comes he is thinking of u and wat ever is in the movie that ur doing that to him or him doing that to u. i know this because that is wat happens to me and he just needs it there because he does dont worry about it to much he wont leave u for porn

Look at it this way your man likes playing video games. You bought him this 360 and one game with it. He has played that game over and over again. What does he do. Go out and buy a new game. So its sord of like the bedroom you have to try to keep things spiced up. Do not keep doing things for so long. It gets boring. Research things. Instead of watching a porn make a porn. Let him be the star of the show.

Thank you so much for all the reply. I really hope that you are right!!! Ill keep everyone updated! Thank so much!

guys need to masturbate from time to time even if they get sex often. and guys r visual creatures having a picture or video to watch just helps guys orgasm faster. to a guy the porn image is not about seeing "another woman" its just a tool to get a nut faster. remember guys dont need emotions to have sex with someone and guys dont associate having an orgasm with love guys need to get a nut like all people need to pee from time to time to us guys it means nothing if we can cum in 2 minutes looking at a hot pic then y take 10 minutes trying to use our imagination about some memory of a girlfriend or some fantasy we want to try in the future guys brains dont work that way....

Thanks so much for the info! I have realized with the different things that have come up recently that men think definitely different then us women. I got so offended when he masturbated the one time, after I made him hard.I felt like a piece of meat. It turned out, A. I was making him hard, and B. he was running late for work. So, again, a mountain out of a molehill. Guys just do it, and I don't think I will understand it completely but I got the drift.

Thanks again!

if he likes porn and it turns him on allot
start whit trying to watch porn whit him

then see if you can take it to it steps that i start fantasize more about you
maybe he already does but he find porn so he can make his brain concentrate on you

but i does not sound like that ... :(

you can start making porn movies your self whit him or alone to him

BUT and it is a big BUT if him or you start sharing it on the web i can only give you a big warning to that it can make him look more at porn on the web

i hope it helped

Thanks. I tried watching it with initially, and it just didn't go over well. I guess it was because I was in the wrong mind set. I just always thought even if we would watch it together that I wasn't the one who was making him hot. So we stopped doing that, and thats when he started doing it on his own time. Of course he got busted. So I thought maybe if started lookin at porn, with out him, he would get pissed like me. Well, no he didn't but, I started liking it a lot. So long story short is, he doesn't do it much anymore, and if he does, we do it together mostly. Or at least tell each other about it, and its primarily for things to help us during sex. So its seems ok now, but it does still get to me at times. Thanks so much for your advice. :p

I've never done a survey but I imagine that most guy - married or otherwise - look at porn. It isn't about our girlfriends or wives not being enough. I love looking at women's naked bodies. I also masturbate to porn even when I'm "getting enough" from my wife. It isn't about her. No matter how much sex we have I'll still masturbate.

I encourage you to just accept it and not take it as a personal insult. It's better if he doesn't have to hide it. He has probably always looked at porn, by the way, and it isn't something he started recently.

I am sure he looked at porn before we met, during and now that we are married. He is a very horny guy. I have to come to terms that it is in a guys nature. I have to ask, what is it about porn, or another womens' body that guys are so drooling over? I have to just try to understand what goes through his mind, so I can come to terms with it.

Thanks again. :confused:

Candi: I know I"m coming into this late, but I'd like to throw out a guys perspective. I think that women feel we are comparing them to the women in the porn. That men look at porn because we aren't satisfied with the woman we're with. I can assure you that nothing is further from the truth. Men are very visual creatures. We are programmed to look at attractive women, especially their bodies. We don't get excited about romance novels the way women do. This is because women's minds are pre-programmed to think about relationships. We are just more visual in nature.

My experience is that visual stimulation for guys meets largely the same need as descriptions of intense and passionate relationships do for women. Let's face it, when's the last time you say a bunch of guys crying uncontrollably at a love song. Women pick out the relationship elements, men pick out the visual elements.

Pornography is basically ubiquitous in our society, and in all societies. It has even been found painted in buildings in ancient roman towns. According to national geographic, pornographic drawings were even preserved when Pompeii was buried in volcanic ash. The fact that pornography exists over such a long period of time and in so many different cultures tells me that is is rooted very deep in our natures. Our fathers and grandfathers had calendars on their walls at work, but the advent of the internet has brought it to women's attention. The pool of men who NEVER look at pornography is pretty small.

I'm afraid if you resist him strongly on this, he will just begin doing it secretly. I'm not sure this is what you want. The best approach may be just to accept "Boys will be boys" and let this one slide. If you make him feel guilty, I think you just may compound the problem and push him away. He's really not comparing you to the girls in it.

Originally posted by: Beagle

I'm afraid if you resist him strongly on this, he will just begin doing it secretly. I'm not sure this is what you want. The best approach may be just to accept "Boys will be boys" and let this one slide. If you make him feel guilty, I think you just may compound the problem and push him away. He's really not comparing you to the girls in it.

Hmm ... "Boys will be boys "
ok there is some things that i can agree to in that post but not all !!!

Ok i can´t see a reason to look at porn if my loved one says no

i get this feeling that she should accept it like there is ok that " boys will be boys "
Bad reason i think !!

Yes of course it almost every boy/man have watched porn some time

But it does not mean that it is okey if
She does not accept it !

I think Candy got it better now if i don´t get it wrong ? :confused:

Beagle- Thank you so much for the input, that helps me a lot. I have a habit of watching him look at those porn chicks and think, he likes that pussy better or those tits better. But from what your saying, that is not the case. I like to realize what actually men think of. So i can be on that level with him. Thank you so much! At first I did tell him not to, but he was hiding it. It was a huge battle, I felt very betrayed when he did that. Almost cheated on, so no, I don't want him doing that. Now, we watch it mostly together, and like I've said before, I started lookin at porn, for the sake of pissing him off. I started actually liking it just because of different ways to have sex, and different things I can try or "we" can try.

xartorin_swe-- I used to think its not ok for him to look at it because I was against it. However, he is horny horny horny, and I am horny horny horny. However, I needed to understand exactly why he was watching it. Was it because of the girls? or was it because he wants to make the sex better then ever? I am not against it really at this point. Thanks for the advice!

Candi: I think this has been a really good discussion. You should consider doing a post, an article, on your experiences and what you've learned. I bet there are a lot of women experiencing exactly the same thing. I bet a lot of people could be helped by you sharing your experience.

Beagle- I am not quite sure how to do that, but I would LOVE to. I am out to help anyone out, from my experiences!!! Did you happen to see my other issue? I am not sure if have replied to it or not, but it was about masturbation and of course a masturbation issue with my husband? Your advice is awesome, and if you haven't replied already, please do!!!! Also, get back to me on how to do this article thing :D

Candi: Just start a new thread and give it a title reflecting that it's your experience. You might want to ask "Has anyone else had this experience?" It might kick off a really good discussion.

I haven't seen your other post, but I;ll look for it.

First thing that comes to mind... It's not about you. Don't make it about you, because it's about him and wanting to enjoy what he likes. Porn is an outlet, a primarily physical one that should not be allowed to affect your relationship. It's not something he's doing with intent to harm you, just to satify his personal desires.

It's not about who he's watching, or about not getting enough. Sometimes it's simply a matter of convenience.

If it bothers you alot explain to him how and why. Maybe even make rules with him about it, but do not ever try to compare yourself to a picture or video. Men don't think like we do, they just don't, and there are somethings alot of women just will never get. Porn is one of those things we're often at odds with, some people of both sexes think it's great, some it just doesn't click for, but very rarely is it emotional.

If it becomes enough of a problem to actually interfer with your relationship then you might need more help then in th bedroom, but if it's just about him wanting to get off, then don't take it seriously. There are times when it could just be a matter of avalibity. Ask yourself a couple of questions to figure out if it's a problem.

1) Does he perfer porn to you?
2) Does he need it to get pleasure?

From what you've said both of those are a no answer. That in mind, it's not about you not pleasing him, therefore it shouldn't bother you. It looks like you are pleasing him most of the time and that porn is just a quick fix. As long as it never becomes more then a quick fix then don't worry over it.

Hi, I started the post about my husband watching porn, or looking at porn all the time. I wanted him to look at me and not the porn. I just need advice at this point, so any reply is gratefully appreciated. My husband is big into computers, he has a "miniature" computer for a phone. So on this phone, comes a lot of gadgets and gadgets; including a lock on it, so no one can get in. Now he used to have pic's of me naked on his phone, but not so much anymore, and he used to tell me that is why the lock is on there. Due to, he is a lot of places where people could get into his phone, if it wasn't locked. OK. So, now he changes the lock every so often, so when you try and get in, the wallpaper on his phone shows up and asks you to try and unlock the phone. Recently, for the past month or 2, all of his wallpapers have been naked chicks. This has been a recent change, and I am just concerned w/ it. I hate to say it but I am very jealous, of course they are beautiful woman, and it makes me feel uneasy. Almost like I am inadequate. Can anyone give me some advice on this? :(

You could find out what he wants and what he likes and you could fulfill his desires with you instead of porn. If he like BDSM, you become that person, I think tuning into his desires might turn him on more than any porn

Us women fantasize mentally without any extra influence, while men sometimes need a bit more visual stimulation even if it is only a fantasy. In other words; what he is seeing is not reality and obviously he likes the reality since you´re having sex. So indulge him instead by watching with him and maybe playing out some of the scenes. Fantasies is after all the foundation of experimenting.

One quick thought about another aspect of guys watching porn... they don't have to do anything, they don't have to perform, they can just sit back and enjoy.

One thing I've tried is just to cater to him and his needs, without even expecting any sex at all. Just make him lie back and DO all kinds of things to him, bring him sensations he can't do by himself, even using some of my sex toys (vibrators and such). He can then get these intense orgasms that make his entire body shutter... and he can't get that level of enjoyment from just watching porn and masturbating. I like it quite a bit, and I feel like it's a self esteem boost that I can make him go nuts like this!!

And the funny thing is, every now and then, he wants to reciprocate also, so out of the blue; I'm in bed for the night, already washed, brushed my teeth, snuggled up for the night and the blankets get thrown off and he goes down on me!! It's pretty cool.

Do I like him watching porn? No, I do not. Can I control what he does when I'm not there? No, I can not. I can't compete with the women, they have amazing bodies, and I have had three kids, I'm not petite, I have wrinkles, I'm in my 40's, but I know that he loves me, he respects me, I have a good job and I'm moving up in my career, and he really respects me for that... We have intelligent conversations, and that is something that porn can't offer him either. So... there you have it... as long as he's seeking me out more than porn, then that's a good thing.

If you make a big deal about the porn, and believe me, I have, I find it becomes a taboo thing and a thrill seeking thing that he can't wait to indulge when you're not around. If you ACT AS IF it doesn't bother you (and I stress... ACT AS IF), then it looses its power.

What are things he does like about you, finds attractive in you? No, we may not have the sexual prowess of these porn stars, but remember, they do this for a living. They pay tons of money on cosmetic surgery, make up, have personal trainers, etc. etc. And often times, they are shallow. Do you think he'd want a relationship with a two dimensional woman who is only concerned with her looks? How long can a relationship survive on sex alone? Will she be there when he hits a crisis in this life, if his mother dies, or he gets laid off, or is diagnosed with an illness? No. Absolutely not.

So find out what he finds attractive in you, and build that up. Focus on that. Find out what you like. Pursue your interests and lose the focus on what he is doing. Not that he'll lose interest in the porn, but as you add your life experiences to the mix, he may want to pursue you, get your attention more. Make him seek you out. Then reward him.

It sounds a bit like dog training, and maybe it is. But as a parent, I have found that putting a lot of attention on bad behaviour only encourages it. Have intelligent, rational discussions about it, the same way you would if you found out your child was failing a course (i.e. don't berate him or attack him, but talk about what you both are willing to do, compromise, negotiate). But most of all, you may have to reign in your feelings (or rather expressing them) so he is not afraid to talk to you about it, to avoid the drama. He will probably respect you more for this.

You may not come to an agreement. You may have to accept this then, or make some other choices. Until there is some major shift in our society, porn will always be there and easy to access. OK... fine. Will it rule and control your life, happiness and wellbeing? Find ways to empower yourself and not be a victim.

I am writing all this, not just for your benefit, but for mine too. I need also to continue to empower myself and not be totally wrapped up with my man.

One more thing... does he have other interests? Why don't you try to work on those? Play computer games with him and get competitive with him.

The following is to remind me that I am a great woman, and I mean more to my man that some porn star or some pin up girl.

My man also loves to Jeep, go off roading, and does his own repairs on his jeep (part of the thrill and he gets boasting rights). Well, I decided to join him, and help him with the repairs, I winched us off a rock when we were stuck, I have cut 1/4" steel to make bumpers, weld them together, and he laughs, because I warn him to leave some work for me to do... funny thing is... one time we were in his buddy's mechanic's shop (and yes, of course there are calendar pin up girls...) so I got there from work, went in the back to change out of my skirt and high heels and into a mechanic's jumpsuit, pick up a MIG welder, and start working on the Jeep. He told me later that all the guys in the shop were looking at me and couldn't keep their eyes off me... it made him a little jealous. HEHEHE LOL... even though there were pictures of half naked women on the walls, they were looking at me. What does that tell you?

I've changed a drive shaft on the side of the road, I do my own oil changes, so I've learned to save money. One time, we changed the sway bar links and tie rods & tie rod ends, changed the wheel hub to replace the ball bearings, etc. on my 13 yr old van and had to deal with bolts that wouldn't budge because they were solidly rusted in place (I boasted that we did all this work and I didn't even break a nail - and I have long, painted nails!) After a 13 hour day working on the van, he snuggled with me that night, both of us aching and sore, and he told me how much he appreciated me being not only able, but willing to help him. I've learned I can do a hell of a lot. And it's become one more thing he finds attractive about me. Interesting, eh?

To the original poster (Candi)

Candi, perhaps the real questions here are:

1) Why do you feel threatened by your husband viewing porn, and

2.) Why do you feel so compelled to change him, when you are admitting (a) that you are a jealous person, and (b) that you feel inadequate?

Wouldn't it be better to focus on correcting your self-limiting statements and then ask yourself why you even feel threatened by his doing something that most every man does?

Just my 2 cents.

sofaking (free)

You said that the two of you are having a lot of sex. If I were you I wouldn't worry so much about the porn. As long as it does not affect your sex life and you don't have a problem with porn itself, then I don't think there is a reason for you to be jealous. Men are visually stimulated and face it both men and women totally in love with their partner and devoted to them see others as sexy etc.. I know that for me and my wife, if either of us sees someone that we find hot we do not have a problem telling the other. I have also noticed that when I do look at porn (and my wife and me do it together or alone) I tend to lean towards women that are the type like my wife either in appearance or shape etc.. My wife is beautiful to me and is brunet with dark skin, she is not a 20 year old super model or as slim as she would like to be but she is beautiful to me. I find that I pass on porn with skinny 20 something women and tend to look for the porn with women more similar to my wife. Bets advice is to talk openly with your husband. Ask him what excites him about the porn etc.. He said that he watches it for new ideas and that is very possible as I do the same. I do enjoy the visual I won't lie but many times I am imagining the people on the screen to me my wife and me.

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. I have dealt with my husband watching porn for all these years. First it was magazines of course before the internet. We have a very good sex life and have sex quite often. He has this "thing" about underwater sex. He is addicted to it. I had a problem with it until recently, when I finally brought him to the idea of me being there bringing him to orgasm for him instead of him doing it while watching porn. He had a problem with me watching for awhile but I relieved his uneasiness fairly quickly. I just recently bought a fleshlight and I'm kinda scared to introduce it because he has thrown away other masturbators in the past. He said he would rather have me. Well I did alot of research on the fleshlight and they said it feels very real. Gotta work on it. Candi, it isn't you, everyone is right, men are very visible people and just him seeing another couple do it can be very arousing. Try making love watching a porn video, it can be very hot. :)