Ask Dan & Jennifer

It's easy to find the nice guys, we are the shoulders that women cry on about the Jerks they are sleeping with.

We are every womans friend, but you never look twice at us for being lovers.

I can say, with out question, that being a nice guy sucks in the world of dating. I just don't know how to be anything other then nice.

I dont know but maybe woffie is right (i hope not totally ). I understand that not all gurls seek out bad boys mom says it depends a lot on the girl and how she feels about herself inside.
my mom and both my ants all ultimately married nice guys and i know some day i will meet a nice guy too but n the meantime mom says i will have a lot of boken heart relationships.
i tend to have nice boys as my friends but also date mostly bad boys ( i dont really know why tho) but i cant see settling down expecially with one of them.
My advise is to stay a nice boy and i know for sure u will not finish last if u do.
kisses
Willow

Originally posted by: Willow n Pa

i tend to have nice boys as my friends but also date mostly bad boys ( i dont really know why tho)

No offense to you, but this is exactly why nice guys will always finish last.

Girls don't even know why they don't like us. Of course, we know why... it just illustrates that girls are crazy. ;)

Originally posted by: Daniel
I have been hearing all these "Nice Guys finish last" thingie like 1000 times, and people have different opinions about how women feel towards nice guys. What is the definition of "Nice Guys"? What is the typical "Nice Guys" Behavior...

Hi Daniel,Welcome!

Dan here. OK, This one's a bit of a hot button for me, because I firmly believe it's a myth spread and often enforced by the media and other elements of our society.

Yes, it's true that often times women are attracted to and go for the "bad boys", who often treat them badly. That's true. However, except in unusual situations, these women aren't with these guys because they treat them badly. No way.

They are attracted to these guys at a subconscious level because many of them exude an aura of strength and self confidence. That's the key - you want to project a sense of strong inner self confidence, it's amazing how much that attracts people to you.

Case in point, my own experience with women. I'm a very nice, considerate, and sensitive guy. But I'm also very determined and have very strong inner self confidence, some say too strong, lol. So I definitely consider myself a nice guy - I'm nice and helpful to people, etc. - but girls can tell right away that I'm certainly not "harmless".

Just to complicate things, I happen to only be attracted to very strong women (confident, determined, etc.). Different thing, though... but for it to be fun for me, I have to feel that she is as strong as I am, an equal. LOL

Another great tip, be sure the lady (or anyone really) that you're with is having a great time. People always remember the great time they had with you and most importantly how they felt!!

Also, "nice guys" often allow themselves to fall into the "friend zone", often by not really letting her know very clearly that you they like her. Don't do it. Don't shy away from letting her know that you find her sexually attractive. By that, I mean it's ok to flirt casually with her, to tell her how hot she looks in whatever, etc. Don't be her safe, gay friend unless you want to be in that role. Let her know you like her "that way". This really goes back to the inner self confidence.

That was a bit of a rant, I just thing this is a common misconception. Women love nice guys, just like guys love nice, caring women. Attraction at a very basic animalistic level involves many factors, including chemistry, but a strong inner confidence is one of them... that and using that confidence to actually "make that move". :)

Oh, by the way, here's a 'http://forum.askdanandjennifer.com/topic/girls-how-do-i-get-confidence' and how to get there.

I do agree with Dan on that. Being confident can sometimes be difficult for guys, though. What it boils down to, in my opinion, is being absolutely comfortable display, at any time, who you truly are, and not being afraid to defend yourself or your opinions. If you're like this with a girl, personality wise, she should be attracted to you. :)

It's easier said than done though..

Originally posted by: Exavion
I do agree with Dan on that. Being confident can sometimes be difficult for guys, though. It's easier said than done though..

Hey Exavion, absolutely, I'm not saying it's easy or making light of that, not by any means. Frankly I was well into my early twenties before I truly came into my strong inner confidence.

Really it was largely getting to a point in my life where I started to come to peace with who I was and where I was in life, and where I wanted to go. Accepting yourself as "OK" and loving yourself first for who you are - yeah, yeah, corny as it sounds - is crucial. It's like what any good salesman will tell you - you can't sell much of something you don't yourself believe in.

And true inner peace and confidence is not so much the false outward tough guy stuff you see; that's often a mask of insecurity. It takes much more strength to embrace your emotions and sensitive side and accept that as who you are rather than hiding from it.

Sure it would have been nice to know and understand back when I was in my teens what I know and understand today. And just the same way, twenty years from now I'll have so much deeper understanding of the nature of life than I do today.

But then again, life is wonderful a journey of growth and discovery, right? It's just the way of our reality. :)

Here's a 'http://forum.askdanandjennifer.com/topic/girls-how-do-i-get-confidence', and some personal tips on how to get there. I just added that to my reply above, but just in case.

Well, I love my personality, and my body is pretty hot now. But my face, it's a shame... under the acne I see a handsome devil, but I just don't know how to be confident with acne.

Am I making too big a deal out of it? Did you ever have acne?

Originally posted by: Exavion
Well, I love my personality, and my body is pretty hot now. But my face, it's a shame... under the acne I see a handsome devil, but I just don't know how to be confident with acne.

Am I making too big a deal out of it? Did you ever have acne?

Man, absolutely. Like I said - early twenties! :)

The human male animal sure does get shafted for a while early on. LOL. Or at least our society makes such a big deal about silly stuff we can't do anything about, rather than helping us understand and accept a normal part of male adolescence. We all have much to grow as a society, especially the grown-ups.

I've gotta tell you though, I have hope for the younger generation(s)... ours. Not sure I remember when exactly I became a "grown up", most of my adult friends will tell you I never did.

I did recently discover this really great acne thing that actually seems to work, at least that is my very non-medical and completely experiential conclusion from a first person perspective. It's called "overnight blemish paste" from Bobbi Brown (can be found at Nordstrom). Of course it's a little expensive so it's not really viable for teens, but anyway.

Look at it this way - teen girls have acne too! And just like teen guys, some get over it sooner than others.

What defines you is who you are, the essence of you... not a blemish on your face. At different times in our lives we have different challenges to overcome - and grow from. It's life.

Focus on being the best you can be as a person, and making those around you feel good about themselves. That's what they'll remember - how they felt when they were with you.

In fact, check out this thread... 'http://forum.askdanandjennifer.com/topic/can-a-handicapped-guy-still-be-manly-and-attractive-to-women'. Sure, absolutely.

Talking about challenges, we all have our "gifts". When I first met Jennifer, she didn't know that my attention span is about 60 seconds on a good day, and it causes me physical pain to take anything seriously. LOL

Originally posted by: Dan And Jennifer
Man, absolutely. Like I said - early twenties! :)

The human male animal sure does get shafted for a while early on. LOL. Or at least our society makes such a big deal about silly stuff we can't do anything about, rather than helping us understand and accept a normal part of male adolescence. We all have much to grow as a society, especially the grown-ups.

Well it's definitely a confidence killer, I will say that much. I don't really care what people think, save for the girls I'm interested in. It's just really hard to build up confidence with this crap on my face.

I've gotta tell you though, I have hope for the younger generation(s)... ours. Not sure I remember when exactly I became a "grown up", most of my adult friends will tell you I never did.

That's a truly wonderful thing. There's very little to be happy about if people consider you an adult. Normally, that means you're a normal, lackluster, responsible and boring human being. Who wants that? :cool:

I did recently discover this really great acne thing that actually seems to work, at least that is my very non-medical and completely experiential conclusion from a first person perspective. It's called "overnight blemish paste" from Bobbi Brown (can be found at Nordstrom). Of course it's a little expensive so it's not really viable for teens, but anyway.

Eh. I'm thinking about going to the dermatologist soon, actually. It definitely is worth the money if it can help. Though the only thing I know that really seems to work almost on everyone is Accutane, but the side effects scare me.

Look at it this way - teen girls have acne too! And just like teen guys, some get over it sooner than others.

Well this is another thing that really bothers me. At least around here, I very rarely ever notice anyone with acne. Least of all girls. I don't think I've ever seen a girl my age with acne... I've seen a few guys, but even with males, it's rare. I don't get it. I thought it was very common?

What defines you is who you are, the essence of you... not a blemish on your face. At different times in our lives we have different challenges to overcome - and grow from. It's life.

Problem isn't just the pimples themselves, but the absurd scarring they leave behind. It's ridiculous. Even worse is that I'm quite pale now... so on a really sunny day I look like an acne covered zombie. :rolleyes:

Focus on being the best you can be as a person, and making those around you feel good about themselves. That's what they'll remember - how they felt when they were with you.

Oh, I definitely am doing the best I can with what I have. I eat fairly healthy, workout, I have my own financial plans (I'm thinking of starting a blog, some people make quite a killer with that... I figure why not make a living doing what I love? Besides, writing is my only semi-decent talent.)

Yet, it still boils down to the now... how to feel comfortable when I don't feel attractive...

Talking about challenges, we all have our "gifts". When I first met Jennifer, she didn't know that my attention span is about 60 seconds on a good day, and it causes me physical pain to take anything seriously. LOL

Honestly I wouldn't of taken you for someone who has a short attention span. Surprising! :eek:

...that Nice Guys finish last is absolutely correct.

Dan's comments, that women don't necessarily want bad boys but are attracted to them nonetheless, are on the right track. But it is indisputable that nice guys fail with women, whereas the bads boys and abusive jerks who treat them like $@!^ do much better. Just pick up a women's magazine and turn to the agony column that they all contain. Or look at the domestic violence statistics.

Dan mentions confidence, which I think is by and large a misnomer. Confidence as a concept really is meaningless. Confidence is nothing more tham mastery over a topic or a situation. For example, a shark swimming in water displays confidence. It simply moves it tail back and forth, just as it has for something like 400 million years. It pays no thought to the process of swimming whatsoever.

The reason this is important to note is that anyone can very confidently approach a woman, but if he comes across as a nice guy/computer nerd/creepy, he will crash and burn every time, regardless of how confident his approach is. I think that 'confidence' is often used, erroneously, in place of 'boldness', which is what it really means.

Bottom line is that women are attracted to three basic types:

1. Men with power, money and status,

2. Men who are bold, brash, and funny,

3. Bad boys/abusive jerks.

Ideally, you want to incorporate elements of all three basic types unless you are particularly strong in one of them.