Open Long-Distance Relationship, bi-curious

in Sex and Intimacy » Swingers and Threesomes • 2 years ago

My boyfriend and I are committed to each other and have been together for a year and a half. Both of us believe that we will be each others' partner for a very long time and we plan our lives accordingly.

The problem is that we live 140 miles away because we are both in different colleges and very busy.

I think it would be a good idea to have an open relationship because we trust each other completely and I'm not looking for a new boyfriend or for sex. I basically want to kiss and flirt with my guy or girl friends and for him to have this same leisure because it excites me when others are attracted to him. I'm more than willing to share. I don't see it as anything but casual fun and everybody would be informed of what is going on. I wouldn't be lying or hiding anything that I do to either party; there would be no leading on.

My boyfriend is hesitant because an ex girlfriend cheated on him and he forgave her, only to have her cheat on him again. He thinks I'm looking for a new boyfriend or that what I actually want is sex (not true, I only feel comfortable having sex with someone I love and share deep intimacy with). He's also a hypocrite because he told me that if he found out I'd made out with a girl behind his back, he would be okay, but if he found out I had made out with a guy, he'd probably break up with me.

I'm bi-curious and wanting to be less uptight about my sexuality. I love my boyfriend very much and want have these new life experiences and to share them with him. I would never cheat behind his back or do anything dishonest. I've even suggested both of us fooling around with a mutual friend who is bisexual and swings (and his ex girlfriend, oddly enough) but he thinks it is weird because it is his ex.

How can I make him feel more at ease with the issue and less like I "want to have my cake and eat it, too?"

Replies(2)

jtothev

Re: Open Long-Distance Relationship, bi-curious

2 years ago

This may not be an option for him. Long distance relationships can be hard on almost anyone. While you seem to be confident in what you want (kissing flirting exploring your sexuality without sex) he may just not be able to understand this. Does this mean he does not trust you? I would say yes and no. I think it is more accurate to say he does not feel that flirting and kissing can just stay “friendly and harmless” or explorative in nature. Some people just feel these actions are not casual, and even if they are at the start, they will turn into something more. Combine that with the history of his ex and he feels like he will soon lose you to another. That can be very scary!

As for his apparent contradiction… He does not see two women together as a threat to him, if anything it is probably something he finds very attractive and would love to watch or get in the middle of. A man on the other hand is a direct threat. That man is not erotic to him, he is a potential replacement to him. Now I know as a bi curious person that woman could be a legitimate sexual replacement to him but that is not how his brain his wired. He is wired to think you want a man, not a woman, so even if she is a threat, he just will not have as easy of a time seeing it.

The thing I see here is that you seem to be more sexually adventurous than him. He does not seem to be interested in sharing his bedroom with others or exploring his sexuality as you are. This could be a sexual incomparability you will have to deal with. Do you need these sexual encounters? Do you thrive with this exploration? Can you see yourself dedicated to one person? Is that what he wants? I know it may sound more surprising to hear that a man may not want to kiss or be with other women but it does happen… not everyone is able to have an open relationship. It sounds like you need to talk to him about what kissing and flirting means to him, is it something that can be casual, or does it, in his mind lead to more? Does it hurt him to think you need more than what he can give? Would this only be while you are so far apart? These are the things you need to talk to him about.

dawn_in_m..

Re: Open Long-Distance Relationship, bi-curious

2 years ago

I wouldn't say that I "need" these encounters, but I do feel like I would be missing out on life experiences if I don't have them. I have questions I need answered like "How do I feel in this situation?" I want to kind of narrow down my preferences a little. I'm only 20 years old, after all!
As for him not thinking a woman is as much of a threat, I agree. He has since told me that most guys will jump at the chance for some action, while women tend to be less eager for that kind of thing.
I wouldn't say I thrive with this exploration or that there is much of a gap in our sexualities. I do think I'm monogamous by nature and that I'd like to stick with my current boyfriend for years to come, the same as him.

Thank you for commenting. It has helped me think this out!