Ask Dan & Jennifer

Absolutely do not answer any of his questions. It can only hurt, not help. It is unfortunate he is so insecure. But don't open yourself up to this.

I know my wife slept with many men before we were married - including a good friend of mine. But there is nothing positive in my knowing any details. It would eat at me. We've been married now for 18 years and I just don't ask. We're both better off.

Scarbowl is so right on here. You have to stand your ground.

While we're very very big fans of honesty and transparency in a relationship, there are cases when one or both partners are not emotionally mature enough for that in all areas.

This thing about measuring up to a woman's previous sex partners is a big thing with a lot of men, and it's not "bad", it's a sign of lack of self esteem. Immaturity isn't really the word, but rather a fear of being "not as good as" another guy, i.e. as if you'd leave him because some other guy was better at whatever.


Your fiance is at a very insecure point right now, and he's curious and a little afraid. He will in time grow out of this as he becomes more confident in himself, more "comfortable in his own skin" ,as his self esteem and self worth develop over the years. Unfortunately that can take years.

A warning, which Scarbolw touches on as well. Once girls answer these questions, it tends to spiral downhill, since often times guys will go from dealing with the fear that another guy might be "better", to jealousy since they know other guys "went there". Seriously, this is literally posessive, territorial, fear based thinking, which will disappear over time, but we're not there yet as a society.

They key points in this situation don't realize are as follows:

• 1. you are with HIM now, not with whatever guy you were with whenever long ago. you chose HIM, and are with him. Those guys are all gone, history, vague memory of a time gone by.
  
  
• 2. Who and what we are today (i.e. the woman he loves today) is completely a product of all our thoughts, actions, experiences, environment in days, weeks, months, years past. So to say you love someone but hold their past against them is naive, as it is that past that makes them who they are.
  

Check out these videos and articles we've done on this topic... the videos deal with the jealousy aspects as well, worth checking out in case it goes there - it usually does...

Is it Wrong to be Angry About Previous Sex Partners?

LIVE - Honesty About Previous Sex Partners 2008-07-28

Sex, Religion, and Guilt... Where Will It End?

And check out 'http://forum.askdanandjennifer.com/topic/should-you-be-honest-about-previous-sex-partners-video', some great points there...

The point in the end... stand your ground, don't go down that rabbit hole, it won't lead anywhere good. You do not OWE anyone anything, you choose to share yourself with someone every day, minute, etc... Period.

Write back here and let us know how it goes!!!

Well if he just started to expirience sex with you and lacking on how he can please you, you should show him some of ur tricks that can make him feel comfortable and and practice on that ways that you're previous ex's did that made u go off quikly, maby he can practice those movements and in the future he can take those learnings and try to improve them and make him feel like ( hah they did it like this? i can do it like that). make him feel he's all you'res.

Originally posted by: ooze
Well if he just started to experience sex with you and lacking on how he can please you, you should show him some of ur tricks that can make him feel comfortable and and practice on that ways that you're previous ex's did that made u go off quickly, maybe he can practice those movements and in the future he can take those learnings and try to improve them and make him feel like (hah they did it like this? i can do it like that). make him feel he's all yours.

One good thing is this: both of my ex's were never able to give me a descent orgasm...the first one never did at all. not to say the sex wasn't good, but they couldn't ever figure out the right buttons to push. since i was new to sex myself, i didn't know what to tell them to try differently.

my fiance has managed to give me orgasms (finally!) of course not every time. and i told him that (he was the only one who did). that made him very proud, but he still gets insecure when it comes to his performance. he is not always predictable and that bothers him i think. sometimes he can go for 30-45 minutes and sometimes it's just 5 minutes. he knows i am not the easiest person to get off and it really disappoints him if he has trouble satisfying me. i try to reassure him, but some days his insecurities drive me nuts. i don't do what i am about to say ok.... but it makes me want to say "forget it, i'll go do it myself if you're gonna act like this." mind you, i would never ever say that to him! but some days i just think that to myself when he is being especially difficult.

i try to tell him there is no magic equation that works in a set amount of time every time. each sex act is different for many reasons. some days you have to take more time that others to get the proper enjoyment out of it. he is always worrying that he does not measure up to my exes, and i try to reassure him the best i can. i am afraid if i over-exaggerate to feed his ego a bit though, he will know it and will only feel hurt if he thinks i am laying it on too thick so-to-speak.

Brit,
Let me take a moment to say I know exactly how you feel about it. I had an ex that would ask a multitude of questions, and expect me to tell him how good he is, how much better, and so on, and so forth...

Your fiance may not be the same as my ex, but I found that when I sat down with him, no messing around, he actually listened to me. It's important to stress what you like and don't like him to do, and that includes the questions that he asks you. I told my ex it was awkward and overbearing, it killed the moment!
I didn't tell him the fact that he was insecure, that was pushing the whole "talking seriously" a bit, but I did tell him that he had to have faith in me that I loved him for everything he was and everything he did, and that he shouldn't have to have reassurance that he's doing something right for something that we do together. I just told him to trust me, to have faith in the fact that our relationship is fine, and even if he wasn't good (which I can't say was true :D) that I still loved him.

Make this talk sound final, like he can't argue with what you have to say! He'll never be the best at everything and it's something everyone has to accept at some point in time. Just tell him to calm down, cut the questions out and focus on you two together. :)

♥♥

Hi Marni, thanks for sharing that great example, I think it really brings this explanation to life.

That's exactly the right thing to do - you can't lie to your partner, and can't really refuse to answer questions per-se, but you CAN help him focus on what really matters there, not the jealousy and fear. :)

And by the way, welcome to the Forums!
Dan