Ask Dan & Jennifer

McChord Air Force Base, Washington.....reminds me of when I was still in the Air Force. I used to have my location filled out as something AFB, some state as well. But that's enough with the reminiscing.

Alright, I've dealt with multiple military marriages during my career, it wasn't exactly my job, but it just ended up being that way. First, I want to ask if this is a mil-to-mil marriage or if one of you in the relationship is a civilian. You're probably wondering why this matters and it matters because I've seen many military marriages (whether it's one member or both) fail for various reasons.

Is this fair?

If you're expecting a yes or no answer, I'm afraid I won't be the one to give it to you. The issue of kids is something that either both of you want or neither of you want. When one person wants them and the other doesn't, that can and will cause problems. If you can't work that out with your significant other, then the marriage may not be right. Though I don't like seeing another military divorce (I've witnessed too many of them), it's better to end in divorce rather than having domestic violence.

What would you do in my shoes?

It is nobody else's business to tell you whether you should or shouldn't have kids. Since you don't even want to explain your issue in detail, I'm not sure what kind of answer you're looking for or how you would even expect someone to answer this.

First, I want to ask if this is a mil-to-mil marriage or if one of you in the relationship is a civilian.

He's military, I'm civilian. He's also an Air Traffic Controller, which apparently has the highest rate of divorce compared to all other Air Force jobs o.O

The issue of kids is something that either both of you want or neither of you want.

We both definitely want kids - his dream is to be a father, I just want them sooner than he does. We both agree that our life needs to stabilize more before we consider bringing another life into our family, and really these two yet unnamed issues (along with timing, but that's not major) are the only disagreements we have over children.

Though I don't like seeing another military divorce (I've witnessed too many of them), it's better to end in divorce rather than having domestic violence.

Agreed - divorce is sometimes necessary, but should never be a cop-out. But I can't ever see violence becoming a part of the relationship.

Since you don't even want to explain your issue in detail, I'm not sure what kind of answer you're looking for or how you would even expect someone to answer this.

I was trying to avoid bias, since at least one of the issues is commonly debated. But he's pro-circumcision, I'm an intactivist; he wants to name our son after his dad, and I'm not a fan of the name and would rather our son have his own name. Since he refused to pick one, I would rather name our son for his paternal grandfather, and not have him circumcised, and unless my husband is able to accept this compromise, I can't see myself having any children with him. If nothing else, it's the principle of the fact that he can't seem to compromise - I don't think either of us should have to concede both points.

For the record, neither of us are religious, so the circumcision and naming are both just a matter of difference of opinion for both of us - we've talked about it in depth enough for me to understand that much.

Originally posted by: Pinky
He's military, I'm civilian. He's also an Air Traffic Controller, which apparently has the highest rate of divorce compared to all other Air Force jobs o.O

Even higher than security forces? Somehow I doubt that. Btw, do those cops still cause as much trouble now as they did back when I was in?

Originally posted by: Pinky
We both definitely want kids - his dream is to be a father, I just want them sooner than he does. We both agree that our life needs to stabilize more before we consider bringing another life into our family, and really these two yet unnamed issues (along with timing, but that's not major) are the only disagreements we have over children.

I'm gonna have to take his side on this issue. If you're not ready for the kids, I think it makes sense to wait until you actually are. Whatever the reasons are for his wanting to wait are just his and your businesses. However, if neither of you are stabilized or ready to have a child and you decide to have one anyway, that's not being fair to the child.

Originally posted by: Pinky
Agreed - divorce is sometimes necessary, but should never be a cop-out. But I can't ever see violence becoming a part of the relationship.

You stated that you two have had heated and repetitious arguments. You really think violence is far off from where you two are at right now?

Originally posted by: Pinky
If nothing else, it's the principle of the fact that he can't seem to compromise - I don't think either of us should have to concede both points.

Well, you know what, if you have to go that route, I won't stop you and I don't think anyone else here is either. The way I see it, it's better off not having the baby (at least with him) than to have a child born and witness the two of you arguing because you can't see each other eye to eye.

Originally posted by: Pinky
For the record, neither of us are religious, so the circumcision and naming are both just a matter of difference of opinion for both of us - we've talked about it in depth enough for me to understand that much.

There's more to circumcision than just having a difference of opinion.

do those cops still cause as much trouble now as they did back when I was in?

Not so far as I can tell. There are a lot of drunk drivers they've been cracking down on, but that's the drunk drivers' faults (unfortunately, it's the military, and when one person screws up it becomes everybody's problem).

If you're not ready for the kids, I think it makes sense to wait until you actually are. ...if neither of you are stabilized or ready to have a child and you decide to have one anyway, that's not being fair to the child.

Oh we're not trying to get pregnant yet - we're both still waiting because we know we need to, for just those reasons. This just seems like something worth getting worked out before the point of no return.

You stated that you two have had heated and repetitious arguments. You really think violence is far off from where you two are at right now?

Yes. There is a far cry from yelling to bruising (or worse). We have the love, trust, and respect for ourselves and each other to walk away before we get too out of hand.

The way I see it, it's better off not having the baby (at least with him) than to have a child born and witness the two of you arguing because you can't see each other eye to eye.

That's precisely why I don't want to try getting pregnant until we can resolve this.

There's more to circumcision than just having a difference of opinion.

Oh certainly! Believe me, I've seen the video, and I've shown my husband a great deal more talking about the problems with circumcision, but...well, did I mention how stubborn we both were?

Originally posted by: Pinky
Not so far as I can tell. There are a lot of drunk drivers they've been cracking down on, but that's the drunk drivers' faults (unfortunately, it's the military, and when one person screws up it becomes everybody's problem).

Well, of course it does. This is because of the Air Force's wingman concept and when one person fails, it comes down on all those who are in his/her chain of command. Drunk drivers have been a big problem when I was still in and I'm not surprised that it still is a big problem.

Originally posted by: Pinky
Oh certainly! Believe me, I've seen the video, and I've shown my husband a great deal more talking about the problems with circumcision, but...well, did I mention how stubborn we both were?

I kind of figured that out as I was reading your posts. It wasn't hard to tell. Here are some more videos, which I'm going to guess you have not seen. I'm not sure if it will help both of you out but hopefully this will make the arguments stop, or at least make it less frequent.