Ask Dan & Jennifer

I'm no psychologist, but I do love the study of the human mind, and I'm a perpetual student of life...

Well, to me it sounds like you definitely have thought about this a lot, probably ruminating over it for hours, causing anxiety... then the anxiety builds and you get upset about being anxious, and it's just a self-feeding fire of worry and anxiety... I know how it goes.

You have explained that you enjoy playing with the other girl parts, which you cannot do in a monogamous relationship with your guy besides playing with yourself (fun, but can get boring)... I can understand this, and I also understand when you say you like your man's boy parts and don't really want someone else's boy parts... but it is a bit unfair in my opinion, to expect him to let you play (doesn't matter if it's another girl or another guy) and not want him to play too. If it's something that you can both agree on, and I mean him actually agree, not be coaxed into saying he agrees, then it's understandable.... I know some couples where one partner just isn't interested in swinging but allows their mate to play (or so they say..) but for the most part it's a win win situation for all involved parties.. you know you're going home with your man, and you both get to have a little different flavor while you're out... not that you don't both love each other and only want to be with one another, but it's nice to add some zest and spice to the sauce once in a while....

But I feel it is unfair to expect that you can have some spice but he can't.

Generally these issues result from, as you say, a lack of self-confidence. Sometimes people are afraid their mate will be more attracted to the other person and therefore leave them.... this is why it takes a good, strong, open and honest relationship to make an open relationship work.

I think now may not be the time for you to explore your girly love attractions, as you have some emotional issues you need to get settled for yourself. I went through a very rough depression after we opened up our relationship, and during that time all outside play was off.. it wasn't until I had been to some therapy and got things balanced again before we played with anyone but each other. You know what they say, a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link.. and in an open relationship situation, it works the same way. If you're not mentally and psychologically able to commit to it, then the relationship isn't either.

Talk with your man, maybe he can help ease your mind a bit that he does not want anyone else... it works when you know your heart belongs to your partner, but your fun parts can be enjoyed with others... :)
You both have to agree on what is and is not acceptable before you can play. And you have to respect each other's limits and not go beyond them.

This is something that can be very fun and stimulate your intimacy with one another... or it could be a relationship bomb. It's up to you to make it what you want it.

I (hubby) have a swinging or open relationship. I dont believer theres any jealousy here. But my wife has far more opportunity than I do.

I can get pissy about that from time to time.

I dont see where sexuall play outside the relationship should be a problem. Just be honest with each other.

I never get mad when my wife has sex, but she is required to let me know as soon a reasonible.

Deception is our BIG rule breaker.

None or us want to eat at our favorite restraunt years. The newness, novelty, the not knowing where each others buttons are is loads of fun.
Besides, I like watching my wife with another man. And think he is on lucky SOB

I really like the observation is Steven's post. I think it is almost universally true that women have more opportunity, at least in this regard, than do men. That is why a lot of couples that I know have the rule that they play only as a couple with a couple. When people don't have that rule, it's usually the man who ends up feeling left out.

One of my (female) friends says "Men don't cull anything!" There's a certain amount of truth to that. Women are usually the more selective of the species and I don't think I've ever even heard of a willing woman feeling left out at a swing event.

Im kinda in the same situation.My girlfriend likes girls but would not want me involed.I think mainly it is self-confidence issues.Mabye if you solve that the three of you can have a lot of fun together.Me personaly,i am 100% confident with myself that seeing a girlfriend with another man would turn me on.
As for why he got into swinging.....I dont know of a answer for that.I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years and about 2 years ago I got into it.Its nothing i thought about the first five years for some reason.If she brought the idea up back then I probobly would have been into it.Im not a expert or anything but thats just my thoughts and how i feel about the situation.

The brain is a tricky thing to understand. So, are the thoughts and feelings that go through it. While I am not an expert, I do have a few things that I suggest.

First, your man probably does feel it is unfair. While your girly parts theory works on the surface, it doesn't change that it is another person, nor does it change the fact that most men would love to be able to play with a variety of girly parts as well. This doesn't mean that he doesn't like yours anymore or that he wants to be with someone else on a deeper level then sex. It just means that it is easy for guys (probably easier then for most women) to separate sex and fun from relationships.

You have a few options. First you can start slow. Tell him how you feel and how it makes you feel when you think of him with another woman. Then have a threesome and let him get that blow job. You can then talk about how it made you feel and what insecurities that you have. Maybe you and the girl can give him a blow job together. Work on pleasing him as a pair and see how that goes.

Another option is to get into swinging. While you may not think that you want to be with another guy and you don't want him to be with another girl, it can be fun. Start soft and just touch with another couple then have sex together. If that goes well, talk about how you feel, how he feels, what you liked and disliked about the experience.

A final option would be to be done playing with girls. It really isn't fair and in the end will drive a bigger wedge between the two of you if you don't address the issues.

Whatever you do, the key is to talk. Talk about your feelings and insecurities. Talk about his feelings and how he feels it is unfair. Listen to what he has to say. Work on coming up with a solution that would excite both of you and make it possible for you to both have fun. If you think some of your problems with the situation are coming from problems in other areas of your life (such as depression) it is a good idea to step back and wait till you are in a better frame of mind. Either way...the key is lots of talking.

Good Luck,
Dani

With all due respect it is not fair at all. I know this from experience and I can guess what your man is feeling about this. He may feel that he is being left out, he is. He may feel that you think you own him in some manner. That is what jealousy is about. You don't own him. It has already been made clear that you don't have a problem with playing. He is just supposed to be a taxi driver for you while you have a good time.

With that being said what you are feeling is normal. His feelings are normal also. Perhaps you two should talk about it a bit more before you do anything else. Just remember to treat each other like you are both real people and not objects that fulfill a role. There is nothing that can't be worked out if you two talk to each other openly and honestly. Expect hurt feelings and maybe an arguement because the emotions will be pumping into overdrive. This is also an opportunity to build a stronger relationship.

R