Remain in an unhappy marriage, or follow your heart

in Love and Relationships » Cheating, Infidelity, and Affairs • 2 years ago

I have a question regarding a troubled marriage, a cheating wife, and my affection for a friend. I've been married now for over 20 years now, and our relationship has not been going well for the last 9 yrs. I discovered that she was seeing someone from her prior job in 2000. We went to couple counseling and I thought we resolved the issues .Then in 2005, I discover and email between her and a gent she met on the internet, that indicated they had an affair. She filed for a divorce shortly after I told her I knew about it, and moved out for the summer. We got back together that fall with couples counseling, and again I thought all was going well. Then this past spring, she expresses she's not happy again, and wants to move out. We've been going to individual counseling over the summer, but she remains half in, half out of the marriage, saying I've been emotionally abusive. She won't put her rings back on, which have been off for 9 years now, and doesn't seem to want to make a commitment to working on it together. My confidence in our marriage has been completely shattered to the point where I have lost all faith in it ever working out.
So here's where it gets complicated. I'm starting to fall for a woman I've been good friends with for over 13 years, and who has been divorced 7 or so years now. I see her a few times a week at her work, which is retail, and we talk a lot and are finding we have a lot in common. I like her a lot, care for her very much, and I'm finding my feeling for her getting stronger with each interaction. I've been keeping it just friends, haven;t made any advances towards her, and haven't told her how I really feel as I'm very guilty about the fact I'm married, and I also don't want to ruin our friendship. I'm really starting to fall for her, and I think she knows it. I'm at a point where this whole emmotional roller coaster is starting to take a toll on me, and I need to get all of this out in the open with both woman.

Any suggestions would be so greatly appreciated.

Replies(4)

Beagle

Re: Remain in an unhappy marriage, or follow your heart

2 years ago

She won't put her rings back on, which have been off for 9 years now, and doesn't seem to want to make a commitment to working on it together.

..

Divorce is just the legal recognition of what has already happened in someone's heart. The sentence above pretty much answers your question. The truth is, this relationship has been dead for several years and you're just refusing to sign the death certificate.

I'm not a proponent of casual divorce, and my past posts will reflect that I have often advised people to give their marriage another chance. You've done that, over and over. Since she violated the marriage vows by her affair, you have no obligation to her.

One piece of advice that I do have-Be a man and tell her it's over before this new relationship heats up. You have no obligation to your wife, but you want to start your new relationship on a clean slate. Don't start it in deception. I think you need to take your wife up on her offer to move out so you can get on with life. I think you need to tell her it's over and move on. You've hung on to this corpse of a relationship long enough.

Xero

Re: Remain in an unhappy marriage, or follow your heart

2 years ago

I agree it is time for you to move on and do something else with your life.

This marriage has been dead and you gave your exwife/wife enough chances to fix what has happened and she still doesn't want to change.

I would advise on getting this divorce finalized if its not. I'm not too sure where that stands right now. Then you can move on and go after that girl that you are interested in. There is nothing wrong with this and if you two are compatible great.

romp_time..

Re: Remain in an unhappy marriage, or follow your heart

2 years ago

Sorry to say buddy, but your marriage is over. It's hard to break apart from such an emotional investment, but you have to man up and take the first step. 9 years of misery when you two aren't compatible. I'd say go through the divorce and take it slow with your gal pal. If your new gal pal is there for you during the healing process then she'll be there when you're all good and better :)

mopar67440

You're right

2 years ago

Thanks everyone for confirming what I've known this for a while, but didn't want to admit it.
As for my friend, she has been thru this herself, and I thought I would try and have a heart to heart with her about what is going on in my marriage and what she thought about it all when I tell her the story. I'm hope I can use this as a segway to letting her know how I feel towards her. Of course, this all depends on how she reacts to the news and how the conversation goes. I do;t want her to think she caused this. As I mentioned, I think she knows I have feelings for her. I see her a couple times a week towards the end of the day when she's closing up the desk, and I usually walk her to punch out and then to her car. If I'm waiting for her off to the side to finish up, she will come over to me as if she knows I'm going to walk her out. Not sure how to read this.

I would love to hear from the woman on their thoughts?