Ask Dan & Jennifer

Originally posted by: Vincent
hi, this is my first post, and I hope you will answer in a video. If you do, will I receive an email telling me when to watch?

my question: I was watching some of your videos on youtube, and one of them was about having sex on the first date, and from watching the video I noticed it was addressing girls only! saying that they shouldn't have sex on the first date if they want a second date!!

Hi Vincent, welcome! We'll probably do a video on this, but those take a while to prep, edit, and publish; that's why we have these forums to get you answers much faster.

That video you mention was an interview we did with our friend Victorya Rogers, here it is:

Why You Should Never Have Sex On The First Date!

We don't personally believe it's really a hard and fast rule whether you should or shouldn't have sex on the first date.

It depends on the individuals involved (you and the particular lady), your levels of comfort with sex and intimacy, your goals for the relationship, the overall feeling of the date / evening, etc. In other words, it could be great to have sex, and it could also hurt - you just can't make a blanket statement on it unfortunately.

What I CAN say is that you have to listen to your gut - your gut is super expert #1 on matters of the heart... and it will be your guide in these situations.

Ask yourself... Does it feel right? Are you just rushing it to get some sexual gratification? Nothing wrong enjoying sex, but rushing into it before you're both ready could backfire.

Originally posted by: Vincent
well I'm a guy, and in the past 4 years, all I've had was one night stands, girls that just want to have sex!! This is not what I want, I want to get that 2nd date and keep going!! So I came to a conclusion about 2 years ago, where I wouldn't have sex on the first date... now on a couple of occasions, I ended up making out with a girl, and she would invite me into her bed, or we would end up in my bed.. but I wouldn't have sex, and then they wouldn't call me back, or avoid my calls :(
basically it seems that whatever I do, whether I have sex on the first date or not, my relationships never go forward !!
what should I do? I haven't had sex in 2 years now, but worse, I'm single since 4 years!!

The concern a lot of people have with getting to sex on the first date is that you take a lot of the mistique out of it, essentially you'be "conquered" and have held nothing back. Of course there is so much to a person, to an individual, that a couple can be together for years and still not truly know one another deeply, but that's another story.

Some guys (and girls) are looking just for sex and one night stands - that's great, just know what you want and go for it.

But if you're in it for a relationship - which applies to more people than some realize - then the focus on the first date should be to build the rapport, to figure out if the two of you are able to. Our guest Victorya is absolutely right on in this respect - a successful first date is a precursor to a second date. You've got to leave some mistique on the table, leave them feeling so great about the evening and wanting more, get them looking forward to something.

Are you approaching the right women for you?
If you find that you're having a lot of one-shot dates, you may just be approaching the wrong types of women who are not truly a fit for you. Just something to ponder... either you're approaching the "wrong" women or you may note be entirely clear on what you're looking for in a women - this is very very common, and easy to fix.

Take a step back and ponder that. And no pressure on the sex to choose yes/no on the first date - the trick is for her to look back to your evening and smile, and say "damn, I sure had a fun time. This guy's cool". That's what people remember - how they felt in your presence.

Of course having sheer animalistic chemistry helps too. LOL

So get back out there - it's a numbers game - sign up to 2 online dating sites, figure out exactly what you're looking for, and go get them!

Let us know how it goes.