Ask Dan & Jennifer

Redrains: The two of you are going to need more help than you can get on an internet forum. One thing I can assure you of is that at this point this problem is simply not going to go away.

I have entered into therapeutic relationships with numerous couples after affairs. I can guarantee you that, right now, you don't know what is actually driving this problem. Several years ago, I left marriage/family therapy and returned for training in trauma therapy, so I have some familiarity with both the issues present here.

One possibility here is that she is having problems related to the rape. Rape is, in it's essence, a boundary violation and people who have suffered this may have difficulty with interpersonal boundaries. Sometimes women find themselves engaging in compulsive sexual behaviors following a rape. IF this is the case, than this will require professional attention.

A second possibility, and I'm sorry for having to say this, is that she really wants to be with him but doesn't see her self as able to leave the relationship with you, due to the children, finances, the social and religious stigma of divorce, etc.

A third possibility is that she doesn't want to be with him but she see's him as meeting a need that she can't meet within the context of your marriage.

The only way this will ever get better is to look at the situation for what it is, without denial or hopes that it will just get better. You need to be prepared to hear things that you'd rather not hear. One very real possibility is that actually looking at these issues will push one of you to leave the relationship.

Now, I'm going to lay some information on you. Only about thirty percent of couples are successful in repairing their marriage after an affair, even with skilled help. When couples reach the point of divorce but don't follow through with it, in five years eighty-five percent of them describes their marriages in positive terms. This drops to thirty percent after their has been an affair. You won't know unless you try.

Even Jesus recognized that sometimes marriages have to end after affairs. My experience is that when couples enter marriage therapy is that things go one way or the other very rapidly. My experience has been that couples either say "I can't believe we actually though about divorce" or they decide "we really can't go on like this" when they start to examine their relationship.

I really wish I had a magic solution for you. The reality is that challenging the status quo may lead to a resolution or it may lead to the end of your marriage. If I told you anything else, I would be misleading you. I wish you the best.

thanks for the advice on that, how do you think i can "back Off" to give it a chance, I relize the more I push the faster is going to go down the drain. I just wish there was a magic little pill that would allow me to not go into a panic attack everytime she wants to go out with her friends. Her friends say that like me and acctually want me to tag along, but she doesn't want me to. I guess she knows that the only reason I'm going along is to make sure nothing happens, but I usally lightin up a bit after being there and have some fun to. I just don't think that going to a bar with a buch of single women when your married is a very good idea. She's married and there not nore have the ever been so they don't understand. Still I wish there was something I could do to back off and just at least "try" to help things work out. Do you have any advice on that? I know that I should just let her go, thats step one, which i can do, i have to force myself but i can do that, the second thing is, once I do that, I have a panic attack, I don't want to and I get mad about it, I want to control it and I can't, the panic usally lasts until she's home and its usally the next day after i find out what happened that night before it subsides, I go completely nuts, I just can't get my mind off of what she's doign when she's out, part of the problem is, she was using her friends as an excuse to leave and go out with that other guy. So know I don't "really" know if she's with her friends or him. I just know that if It's going to work I have to back off and give time for her to decide on her own what she wants. I just can't seem to let go.

Several years ago, I was waiting at a service station when I picked up "Dear Abby". So I was obviously desperate for something to read. Her advice to a man in this situation was "either make peace with your wife's behavior or end your marriage."

If she has made her mind up to cheat, there is no way you can stop her. Obviously, you don't trust her. With good reason. FYI, I was on the dirty end of "Going to see friends" too. It doesn't feel good, does it.

Your right,I can't stop her, but I'm scared to be alone, I use to get all the girls i use to be "hot", now its been 10 yrs since I even thought about dating, obviously I would like to keep my marriage going, I love her more then anything. but I'm scared to be alone, all i have heard for the last several yrs is how stupid I am, and fat and ugly, and she's right, i weighed a good 185 10 yrs ago, now I'm 240 and its all in my guy "beer belly" and I don't even really drink that much. I use to make straight A's in school, but I started College to be a Doctor and I can't even think straight, its always on her, so I bombed out. I guess I should just take the hint, and get out, before we drag it on another 10 yrs. and still end up the same way. I'm just afraid after this, what's left.

I'm right there with you. I'm just coming out of a thirteen-year relationship with someone who was having an affair. I was very successful at dating before, but now it seems that there are a whole new set of challenges. That's how I got involved in this forum. I was posting a question about resuming dating after middle age. It's definitely a whole different game. I'm finding that my age now know what they want and will talk directly about it. There's less of the strategy.

The biggest obstacle is how few women in our age group are single. In college, easily 80% of the people are single, so there are lots of opportunities. Now, it's a challenge just to meet people.

She has no respect for you.

I don't know how some peps feel about religous things, but I'm willing to try anything, I believe in God, so I'm going to give it a shot! I watched a movie over the last couple of days called "Fireproof" its about fire proofing your marriage, it is a AWESOME movie about marriage, neither party respects the other and they bring there marriage back from at the point of signing papers to being in love more then ever before, its not a fake romance its a true story base on a book called "The Love Dare" by Steven Kendrick & Alex Kendrick i think it will work, its an awesome concept if anyone is reading that is having the same kind of problems I am, check out this book, it's AWESOME. It will bring a new hope and a new chance to make things right, I'm on day 3 and believe it or not, its already made a bit of a difference, I DARE you to try it!

There's absolutely no reason not to try a faith-based approach. I've seen them be very successful. Just remember, you can't control another human being's actions. You can influence them, but they ultimately have control. Since you believe in God, you also believe that humans were created with free will. We can influence other people's behavior; not control it.

One of my friends has an open marriage. I once asked him how he deals with his wife seeing other men. He just looked at me and said "She knows where home is." I personally couldn't do this, but that's how he found peace with it.

If you keep stewing about things you can't control, you're going to run yourself crazy. You can only control your response to her behavior. That can either take the form of accepting the situation or setting boundaries. A boundary can include "If you cheat again, I'm gone." However, if you set that boundary and don't follow through, you will never again have any influence with her.

You wouldn't believe how many couples I see who know their partners see other people at times. I also see plenty that would end the relationship if one strayed, and that do end the relationship if one strays. No one can make that decision but you.

I am glad you're taking action. I do think you need to be prepared, however.

Yeah, I don't like the idea of a Open relationship, my wife says that she doens't want another man, she was just lonely and he "use" to be a friend. This has been a yr ago, and I have seen no sign's of him anywhere since about 4 or 5 mth's when she searched his name on myspace, but when I try to have sex with her, she doesn't want to, which I see why, she tells me I can have sex with whomever I want just as long as I don't get her sick. I don't like this idea either, ( honestly think, if I did, she wouldn't agree, even though it was her idea), I'm going to try this out, I think it will work, and if not, your right, I can't change her, only influence, so I'm going to attempt to influence her, and if it doesn't work, at least I tried. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

My friend, I've gone through nearly the same experience. Married 10 yrs, had the picture perfect life, then my wife ends up starting a "close friendship" with a mutual friend of ours. Exact same behavior, she wants more alone time to go out with friends, she doesn't want me around to things we normally did together, she didn't care if I slept with other women (which I had ZERO desire to do), she was Myspacing this guy and searching for him "just to check up", they were "just talking" and being friends, she deserved to have whatever friends she wanted, etc. I required that they never speak, which she complied with for a couple months, but just went right back to him after. Seeing your words below made me relive the emotions I felt back then, and it was identical to you. It's truly a nightmare to live through.

What she is doing with this other man is connecting. She is sharing hopes, dreams, problems, laughing...all things she should be doing with you. You are 100% right to believe that a married woman with 4 children should not be going out to bars alone, and suddenly having boy friends. Unfortunately, it sounds like she has checked out mentally, and emotionally from your relationship. You can read as many books as you want to, and I do recommend you do, but it takes both sides working and wanting the relationship to succeed. The more you push to influence her, the more she is going to back away.

When my wife was doing this I did confront her about it, but she always claimed it was nothing and that I was over reacting. I knew in my heart I was right, and had I to do it over again the only thing I would have changed is this: I would have sat her down and explained that I knew what was going on, or what was about to happen. And that if she continued her behavior that I was going to move out. I would have rather been in control than at her mercy, which was the position I had put myself in. That's just what I would have done, your situation is unique to you so that's not necessarily a recommendation.

I truly hope you can work it out. I'm a huge believer in marriage and family, and it breaks my heart to see any family torn apart by this reprehensible behavior. But having lived through it myself, I would start to put a lot of thought into what you're going to do in the event this marriage fails.

Fortunately, while I would have never desired a divorce, life after marriage has been awesome. I too was terrified initially, but if you treat it as an opportunity rather than a set back, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

HTH...

Everything you discribed happened to me to, all about the friends, her getting mad at me and saying I'm over reacting, all of it.

Things have changed though, I set out to watch the Movie "Fireproof" that just recently came out based on a book called "The Love Dare" I set out to follow this book, and its WORKING, she has turned down friends a couple of times to stay at home and watch a movie or play with the kids instead. I'm on day 23 now, if you have another relationship and you wish to "fix it" I would recommend this to ANYONE, if you take the dare, you will be surprised what a difference it will make in not only your marriage but in your life as a whole. I'm feeling so much better and so much happier just from starting that, and setting my mind to do it. It's a dare from the ones that have done it before. She is acctually starting to see things in me, and wondering what in the world happened, she has also told me that she's a bit happier now as well, she hasn't told me she loves me again yet, but she's not talking to anyone on myspace anymore, thats a blessing. I can not stress enough how much this combination of things can make in someone's life, its unreal! I wouldn't stop now if you paid me, I'm seeing her more and more each day, we talk, we are having more good days then bad ones. One of the things it says in the movie is the gentleman talking to a friend leans over and points at a treadmill and says, "See that treadmill over there? It's not broken, but if you don't know how to use it, It isn't going to work for you." Thats the same in marriage if you don't know what to do, it isn't going to work for you, so you have to figure it out. This let's you know, I'm so excited!

Hi Redrains,

As I was reading through, I can't help but feel terrible for you and get mad at your wife. I'm sorry to say this but she clearly has no respect for you and she's not worth fighting for. I know that you want to save your marriage and preserve your family ties but it would be utterly agonizing to go on with what she puts you through. In all honesty, let her go, give yourself a break and move on. You deserve to emancipate yourself from the affliction that she's putting you through and pursue your own happiness.

She's sabotageing everything, i made a romantic candle light diner for 2, i even rented a tux, and she came home and just said how stupid i was and how she can't believe how mushy and crap i am. I haven't been alone in 10 yrs, i don't know what to do if that happens

You're right. If she's acting that way, it's over. When women have decided they want out of a relationship, they start finding fault with what you do to justify their choice. A reason is what you have before you've made a decision; an excuse is what you come up with after you've made a decision.

As far as rebuilding your life, I've done it and Spaniard has done it. You can do it too. We don't have anything you don't have. It starts out like your life has fallen apart, which it has. you gradually build other interests. I joined a gym, began volunteering, resumed hiking, took a class in whitewater, and joined this forum:) (those happened over two years.) Believe it or not, life does go on. I think you're just prolonging the inevitable and hurting yourself further at this point.

So you guys think I should just file against her and get it over with? I have 4 children I don't want to lose them, and its not fair to them that there mother went pyco and started acting like she's 12. They need someone with stability, that doesn't think there 15 again.

From your post of 2-21; I think it's already over. This is a conversation you and she need to have.

I have one suggestion for you. Get a mediator. Someone to just help you and she talk through this and decide what you want to do. Often, people use the sessions to tell the other that they want a divorce. At least, one way or the other, it'll be over.

What you want is to avoid a court battle over custody. Those costs tens of thousands of dollars and drag both people through the mud. Mediation leads to a mutually satisfactory arrangement about 50% of the time. That's a good investment. If you tell her you're going for "marriage counseling" she'll say no because it sounds like she's already made her mind up. Mediation is basically negotiating how you're going to do things.

Yes, I think it's over, at least as a marriage. You're basically roommates now.