Should I choose the ex-husband or boyfriend?

in Love and Relationships » Relationship Advice • 2 years ago

I had an affair and divorced my husband when I was 25 -- the boyfriend swept me out of my boring no fun life and showed me a whole other side of life. HOWEVER, while continuing the relationship with the boyfriend I still had feelings for my ex and have been going back and forth between deciding if the divorce was the right decision. Our kids, friends, and family all think the boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship, however, I haven't been able to let my ex-husband move on, I've been seeing him secretly all this time. My ex and I used to talk about getting back together but I think he's getting tired of this situation and wants to move on with his life if I'm not going to "come home". The boyfriend and I still have a lot of fun together and get along great but he's not the father of my children, he's not always dependable, but he is smart, loyal and has a great job. My ex is not spontanuous, somewhat conservative and more on the serious side -- he has a decent job, good sense of humor but a little on the quiet side. I don't know why I can't let my ex go if I'm so in love and happy with the boyfriend. I feel like I still in love my ex-husband and this is why I can't let him move on to pursue other relationships because I'm not sure if we still have a realistic chance and the rest of our lives. Afterall, we will have grandchildren someday and our lives will constantly be interlooped with kids, grandkids, daughters-in-law etc.... I don't know if I should throw the last 9 years into the "mistake" pile and try to work things out with my ex for the futures sake or if I should end everything with the ex and focus on my future with the boyfriend. Our kids are now teenagers and have no idea their parents have been involved, we get along great in public and have done "family" things together which the boyfriend has never been part of because we wanted our kids to feel like their parents got along very well. My ex has never accepted the boyfriend so it's not an option to have them together at family functions so I constantly have to chose which one will be in attendance as far as school activites and functions related to the kids......I know this is crazy after all this time but I really need to decide once and for all which one will be best for me, the kids, and future grandkids........

Replies(3)

des237

let your ex move on with his life...seriously

2 years ago

wow 9 yrs. thats a long time to do that to a guy. im sorry its rude, but its rather selfish of you. of course you going to have feelings for him! you were married to him, you had kids with him. but if u cheeted, there was something missing.

if you have learned a way to get alng with him and do activites with you kids together that is AWESOME. not many can do that. but... have you ever thought that when you do these activites hes playing in his head that you are still with him?

does he see other people? im willing to bet not because of you... hes hanging on.
your making him wait for something that may never come, for what? so you can have both flavors?

stop hurting him and just be happy that you can get along and your kids like new guy.

( i truly apologize if i seem rude. my brother is in a similar situation, only hes the guy left hangin at the end of the day, when she goes home... its killing him)

femaleorg..

Are YOU right for either?

2 years ago

You've cheated on both. This is your nature.

nova_danj..

Re: Should I choose the ex-husband or boyfriend?

2 years ago

I'm gonna come off in a blunt way with this one. First, to answer your question, yes, you are clearly nuts. Your situation has proven that you can't remain faithful to your husband (or ex-husband), your new bf, your kids, and worst of all, to yourself. There is no right or wrong answer or an easy solution to this. I actually feel bad for your ex-husband for having to go through all this because of you. This has really been going on for nine years? I guess I gotta at least give you credit for being able to go through with what you have for that long. Also, it sounds to me like you're using this new bf as a rebound but maybe you two have something going on that I can't see from your post.

Alright, to start off, take the children out of the equation for now. Focus on what YOU really want. The way I see it, I don't think you and your ex will get back together but that may have to do with the fact that I haven't seen marriages work a second time if it didn't work out on the first try. If this new bf seems right for you and he likes you the way you are, maybe it's time to move on to this different man. But again, this will depend on what it is that you think is right for you and only you know the answer to that question.

I'm not sure how old your kids are and how long you've been going out with this new bf but from your post, I can tell your kids matter to you a lot so ask them what they want, that's if they're old enough to understand what the concept of love, breakup and all that stuff. Whatever it is that you decide on, just remember not to look back otherwise you're just going to end up having regrets.