I have been married for 7 years. We have 3 children. We both work, entertain our friends and family, pay our bills and run our household. We are "functional" in the marriage. However, I am not in love with my husband. I "like" him, but he irritates me, he makes the stupidest decisions sometimes! He Always wants sex, he dosent care if Iam tired or not feeling well, its all about him. a few years ago, when I still "loved" him, I would tell him what I needed, what I wanted from him. He didnt listen, and over the years I have grown apart from him. We have tried marriage counseling, we have tried self help books and seminars. I am not happy. My question is this, should I stay in my functional marriage for the sake of my kids? Would I be selfish to leave for my own happiness?
and yes, I am having an affair. A man who gives me everything I need, but I wouldnt be leaving the marriage "for him".
Hi Tenacity, welcome! Wow, several distinct and tough issues here...
First, should you stay married just for the kids?
We'd say no, but the situation isn't nearly that simple (or it can be, depends on you). IF you choose to stay together, it should be because you feel it is the right thing to do, because you two are good and happy together, and you enjoy a supportive, happy union. Marriage shouldn't be a "life sentence", but of course that depends on you.
Many people grew up with the idea of "you have to stick it out even if you're miserable" - "it's for the kids". That sounds good on paper, but it's a horrible idea in real life. Children need to be loved, whether it's by a married couple, a divorced couple, or a single parent. Raising children in an unhappy home where everyone is miserable is not better than raising them separately. And it teaches them that marriage is about being miserable, and in a way it builds that behavior pattern for their lives. Here's a video with some of our thoughts on this...
Should You Stay Married Just For The Kids?
Just remember, if you separate you'll basically be two single parents, and sharing custody of your children to some degree.
Second - would you still consider leaving your relationship if this other person wasn't in the picture?
Sure many people don't think about separating until one day they meet someone and it finally dawns on them "wait, my relationship sucks; perhaps I should consider something else". Yeah, it would be good if people broke up first, but it just doesn't always work out that way.
I don't like the word "cheating" here because you're not talking about a one night stand - rather about another relationship that you're considering going into full time. The new relationship is usually with someone almost opposite to your current spouse. Which is good at first, but the rosy feeling can quickly diminish.
Not saying it can't work, just something to think about. Here's a video with some thoughts on that too...
Can a Relationship That Starts Out as an Affair Succeed?
So is this person truly right for you long term - or just a temporary diversion? and of course it can take years to truly get to know someone.
Third - The most important point. Can your marriage with your husband be saved - can you love one another again?
While we are definitely not supportive of staying in an unhappy relationship for life and ending up a vegetable that's been on antidepressants for 25 years - there is another major issue here.
The question is - what happened to distance you and your husband from one another? is it him not listenting to you and not caring about your needs? Have you both perhaps gotten somewhat complacent? It happens with so many couples, they get "comfortable", and stop truly appreciating each other like they initially did... they begin to take each other for granted. What is perhaps the most important question to ponder..
Today, do you still want to save your relationship, to try and find the love again with your husband?
Does he realize how seriously you are, that you've reached a breaking point? Have you both gone together to counseling to get help? Individual counseling can do more harm than good, but a talented and objective third party can work wonders to quell the silly ego issues that cause so many fights in couples. Also it's important to go to someone who is to some degree unbiased, and perhaps try someone else if the first didn't work. Here are some ideas about different types of counseling available...
Relationship Suck? Need Counseling? Watch this first!
While you certainly shouldn't stay in a bad relationship perpetually to do "the right thing for your kids" - perhaps it's worth it to make a concerted effort to fix your current relationship, if you can. If not, then it's time to move on.
And then the question comes of how you'll get past the relationship with the other person, if you choose to stay with your husband... that will have to come out at some point.
Is There Life After Cheating? Can You Survive An Affair?
Good luck! Write back to this thread and let us know how it goes...
Leave a comment on danandjennifer's reply
Change topic type
Link this topic
Provide the permalink of a topic that is related to this topic
