should i stay with my wife or go

in Love and Relationships » Relationship Advice • 3 years ago

Im not sure what i should do. We meet while i was in the military she's a japanese national and is also 15 years older than i am. We started to have allot of problems when i got out of the military and we went to live in my dad and step mom in Az. We had trouble with my step mom giving her a hard time while i was at work. She became very depressed and angery at everything. Ower son at the time was little over 2 years old. At this time she had started to become very physically abusive with me. I left her and my son for a year, during that year i had little contact with her and my son.

After one year we got back together and moved to Oregon with some of my friends that she knew when i was in the navy. We where fighting allot when we first got here. One of the big problems is at the end of arguing we will come out with a compermize to fix things. How ever she will not keep up on the compermize, i have even thanked her for doing them and if she forgets to do them i just tell her that its okay try not to forget about it next time. She will get mad at me if i forget to keep up on them so i try my hardest to do them until it turns into a habit.

I didnt notice until some friends where talking to me about it, but i was depressed but the fights had stoped. I worked on the depression until i though i was out of it and then the fights between her and i where getting pretty bad. Over the past 3 months everything was okay but again iv found myself to be depressed. My friends have been telling me its because Iv been letting her stress me out and that the depression was a way for me to make things better. Iv been working on getting out of my depression, but i can see now that when im depressed where not fighting and she's happy. How ever I realy dont feel all that happy. Im not sure if i should leave her or not.

Right now we are doing okay, but we still fight and i am just so lost on what i should do. What do you think i should do, oh i dont know if this changes anything but ower son is now 4 and half. Thank you for your time

Replies(3)

scarbowl

Re: should i stay with my wife or go

3 years ago

Go get some counseling. Both of you. Together and/or separately. This is something that needs long discussion and you won't find an answer here. There are many trained marriage and family therapists. It's worth the money. Please find one.
Best wishes.

melody_br..

Hard choices

3 years ago

Guyette,

You both sound lonely and scared. Both of you are struggling to survive in the only ways you know how. She does it by pushing on you, you do it by withdrawing and both of you feel hurt and wounded. Her anger is just as sure a sign of misery as is your depression. Obviously the two of you need to look deeper into what is going on.

Blame tends to make things worse, and talking to your friends about the situation is causing you to blame her... even more than you might already be! Of course if she is this angry with you, then she is clearly blaming you as well. You each feel like a Victim of the other. She responds by trying to get control by trying to make you do what she wants, you alternate between Rescuing her by giving in and fighting back in a Self-Protective way. To learn more about this you can get my book: Oh Wow, This changes everything from my website www.ohwowthischangeseverything.com

There is a way out. It has to do with 1) Stopping the blame 2)taking ownership of the problem by recognizing it's your issue as much as it is hers 3) having empathy for the pain she is in (as well as your own) 4) respecting that both of you are doing the best you can to deal with the things that are happening.

Sometimes individual therapy can help one of you but result in your getting a divorce. I'd encourage you to find an Imago therapist in your area. Look up "Imago" and "Harville Hendricks" on google to find one.

Start seeing your wife as a wounded kid. I know its hard because she is older and you have a lot of anger and pain in the way. Then, recognize that her anger is a cry for help - just like your depression is. Listen to the pain underneath her anger and see if you can find out what is really going on - and I guarantee it's not really about you! You can find your way back to each other if you stop seeing each other as the problem (blame).

Let me know if I can answer any other questions. Do order a copy of my book to help you understand more clearly what I am talking about here.

devil5057

Thats a tough one!

3 years ago

Well bud i can honestly say i know where you are coming from. My previous marriage was the exact same way. It's hard to deal with i know. What i unfortunatley ended up doing is ending the marriage. I want just like every other person in this world wants and that is to be happy! I know that with children involved it is alot more dificult but you have to look at what you want and go for what makes you happy. The children will always be a part of you.