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I've been married for 19 years to a man who in many ways has been wonderful, but he has a dark side and when he is mad (which isn't often - maybe an average of once a month) he is very emotionally and verbally abusive with some minimal physal abuse, but not recently. We have one wonderful 13 year old son who is remarkable mature whom I do not want to hurt with a divorce. I've been committed completely and totally to our marriage for the last 19 years. Giving it everything I had even when he was cruel to me. We've been to a counselor together and separately. My counselor says he is very abusive and is encouraging me to leave him. I have been talking to my counselor about leaving him for at least 5 years, but until recently I still loved him.
Last year I became very good friends with a coworker. For some reason I started sharing how abusive my husband was with him...and I had not told anyone other than my counselor before him. He is just very easy to talk to and very understanding. I have fallen very much in love with him. We have done nothing inappropriate and I have not even told him of my feelings although he probably suspects how I feel. All we've done is have dinner together occasionally. We can talk for hours and it feels like only seconds. He has been a complete and total gentleman and I know that he is either waiting for me to leave my husband or perhaps he just doesn't return my feelings.
Over the last year as my feelings have grown for this other person, it has allowed me to let go of the love for my husband. I think this other person is not the cause but more of a catalyst for me to make changes that I've been wanting to make for years. My husband knows that I am unhappy. I've told him that I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm trying to be honest without being cruel -no yelling or name calling, etc. He says he has been a complete idiot and that he is so sorry he has hurt me. He says I am the best wife any man could ask for and that he will change and try and be the husband I deserve. I believe he is trying to change, but because of all of the hurt I have endured over the years, I am just emotionally spent. I will always care for him, but I just don't love him anymore. He says he loves me totally and is begging me to fall back in love with him and frankly if I could I would...it would make my life much easier.
He keeps asking me if I've had an affair which I have not. Again, my friend doesn't even know how I feel. I have not acted on my feelings and I am determined not to although my heart is breaking for wanting to be with this other person. I care for him so much it hurts and I am not one to wander. In 19 years, I've never looked at another man until now.
My questions is...Should I tell my husband that I have fallen in love with someone else?...I know he is perplexed and doesn't understand why I am emotionally cut off from him and he has actually asked me if I'm in love with someone else, I said no because I don't want to hurt him. I think it would crush him, but I also I think it would help him understand why I'm acting the way I am and also maybe help him accept that I've moved on emotionally.
My second question is should I tell my friend about my feelings for him. I don't want to risk losing his friendship or should I wait until I've left my husband although functionally the marriage is now over although we are still living together trying to make a reasonable home for our son.
Last year I became very good friends with a coworker. For some reason I started sharing how abusive my husband was with him...and I had not told anyone other than my counselor before him. He is just very easy to talk to and very understanding. I have fallen very much in love with him. We have done nothing inappropriate and I have not even told him of my feelings although he probably suspects how I feel. All we've done is have dinner together occasionally. We can talk for hours and it feels like only seconds. He has been a complete and total gentleman and I know that he is either waiting for me to leave my husband or perhaps he just doesn't return my feelings.
Over the last year as my feelings have grown for this other person, it has allowed me to let go of the love for my husband. I think this other person is not the cause but more of a catalyst for me to make changes that I've been wanting to make for years. My husband knows that I am unhappy. I've told him that I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm trying to be honest without being cruel -no yelling or name calling, etc. He says he has been a complete idiot and that he is so sorry he has hurt me. He says I am the best wife any man could ask for and that he will change and try and be the husband I deserve. I believe he is trying to change, but because of all of the hurt I have endured over the years, I am just emotionally spent. I will always care for him, but I just don't love him anymore. He says he loves me totally and is begging me to fall back in love with him and frankly if I could I would...it would make my life much easier.
He keeps asking me if I've had an affair which I have not. Again, my friend doesn't even know how I feel. I have not acted on my feelings and I am determined not to although my heart is breaking for wanting to be with this other person. I care for him so much it hurts and I am not one to wander. In 19 years, I've never looked at another man until now.
My questions is...Should I tell my husband that I have fallen in love with someone else?...I know he is perplexed and doesn't understand why I am emotionally cut off from him and he has actually asked me if I'm in love with someone else, I said no because I don't want to hurt him. I think it would crush him, but I also I think it would help him understand why I'm acting the way I am and also maybe help him accept that I've moved on emotionally.
My second question is should I tell my friend about my feelings for him. I don't want to risk losing his friendship or should I wait until I've left my husband although functionally the marriage is now over although we are still living together trying to make a reasonable home for our son.
