Ask Dan & Jennifer

Hi Bret,

Hmmm... that depends on, well, everything... from the individual girl (they are unique people just like guys you know - lol). Some may be after happiness, others after a quick immediate fix like money, a flashy car, even someone to fulfill a need for a daddy figure, etc. But those are one-off exceptions.

To generalize, if I had to sum it up as one or two major things though, I'd say that inner confidence and a happy, positive nature is huge. Confident, happy people attract others (guys and girls) like magnets.

Inner confidence is what's actually behind the "women only want bad boys who treat them poorly" myth. "Nice guys" who treat others with respect and kindness - and have strong inner confidence - attract women just fine. I can even confirm that strongly from personal experience.

Then there's the positive, "can do" optimistic attitude. Nobody wants to check out your baggage or to go over the fine points of what you have to complain about. They have their own issues to deal with.

Here's a tip: People more than anything remember not what you say, etc, but how you make them feel. They remember how much fun they had, or how special they felt when they were with you. So you'll be associated with those very powerful feelings.

So be confident and at peace with yourself, and do your best to bring joy and happiness into the lives of others - they'll want more and more of you.

I know I'm oversimplifying the "be confident and at peace with yourself", that is indeed a journey and a moving target, but that's life. And it's all OK. :)

Let us know how it goes!
Dan

how do i get confidence

brett,
to get confidence you need to believe in yourself.
think about all the great things you have to offer, and be confident that a lady will actaully be open enough to see through her rose colored glasses!
~fawkse~

Great points! Confidence discussion continued here:
'http://forum.askdanandjennifer.com/topic/girls-how-do-i-get-confidence'

Being a girl and having lots of girl friends i have to say that, most girls I know are looking for a guy who can love them as much as they love him.

Even if you do everything a girl likes, you might just not be -the- guy. It takes chemistry. So, basicly, be yourself and you will find someone. Be confident, be yourself, respect girls and be nice.

Good luck

Leadership/status is the most attractive (super) trait to women. It has many components. Here's some to start you off:

Body language: Stand tall (but have relaxed shoulders) , take up space and don't break eye contact until the other person does. Don't fidget or let your eyes dart around.

Voice: Speak with a loud resonating voice and just a little bit slower than normal. Use more pauses. Hum all the time to develop resonance. Avoid the high-pitched, fast , whiney, approval-seeking "nice-guy" voice.

Words: Your sentence structure is short and simple. You use simple words because you're more interested in getting your message in the other person's head quickly rather than trying to sound intelligent. The ironic thing is that explaining things simply makes you sound intelligent.

Personality:

Resilience: You don't experience many negative emotions. It takes a lot for you to feel stress. You have a rapid rebound time. You don't complain or criticize. Even if you feel stress, you APPEAR cool, calm and collected.

Extraversion: You are relaxed and feel a lot of positive emotions. You are optimistic. You walk towards other people and start conversations. You have high self-esteem (you like yourself). You make other people feel good about themselves.

Explorer: You continually learn new things. Your life is filled with many interests and hobbies (this makes you interesting and mysterious). You like to visualize your goals. You love art and music.

Focused: You move towards your goals (rather than moving away from problems), You focus on one thing at a time until you've finished. You don't multi-task (because this causes stress, is unproductive and lowers your IQ more than smoking pot), You focus your attention for 2 hours at a time then you take a break for 20 minutes where you are completely unplugged. You continually improve yourself and your products. You eliminate distractions like cell phones, email, TV etc when you focus on your projects. When you focus, you are completely relaxed and in the zone.

Challenger: You don't let other people dominate you. You punish all bad behavior (build an arsenal of constructive criticism, witty insults, legal skills and martial arts skills). You say NO calmly (ie NOT arrogantly) to people or things that don't meet your high standards. You can become a vicious mad dog if someone crosses the line. Stop apologising for being you. Unless you break the law or act like a jerk, you've got nothing to be sorry for. Give yourself permission because no one ever will. Say to yourself “I give myself permission to do that thing and I deserve to have it.” You are cocky AND funny. You say and do things that are part cocky AND part funny. Don't do too much cocky because you'll come off as an arrogant jerk. Don't use too much funny because you'll come off as goofy. “C & F” could also be described as ball-busting or playfully teasing. This is a counter-intutitve way of communicating with women that makes them extremely attracted to you. You can tell you're doing it right when she's laughing, pretending to be mad with you and playfully hitting you. Always end the interaction with women a little to soon and on a positive note.This will make them what you even more and they'll be thinking about you all the time.

Brett: Trust me, twenty years ago I was in your exact situation. You can cost a shrink a lot of money and get "Intimate Connections" by David Burns, MD from Amazon or your local bookstore. It teaches techniques that specifically help you deal with low confidence. The reality is that we develop confidence by doing. If you faithfully do the tasks this book prescribes, you will learn to move past your self-doubt until you develop genuine confidence. It is the exact thing I do in therapy. You're bright enough to do it yourself.

Brett, I was the smartest kid in the class; the one everybody hated. Couldn't have got a date with a shotgun. If I can overcome it, anyone can. I didn't become successful in dating until graduate school and I used the cognitive therapy methods described in this book. (The were available then, just not in as concise as form as this book.)

By your writing, I can tell you're bright. Dating and establishing relationships is a learned skill and there's no reason you can't do it yourself. If you're willing to put in the effort, you can make this change in your life.

Originally posted by: Brett
wat do girls mainly look for in a guy :D

"be confident" = be a lying manipulative fake

If you're not hard-wired for confidence there is no way to just attain it, no moreso than one can just "get" a perfect singing voice or win an Oscar
Sure, there are things one can do to go toward these goals, singing or acting lessons, but it will never match an innate ability

The people who tell you to just attain it through some steps already have the innate ability and therefore see no other way

I think lack of confidence really boils down to lack of vocabulary for a better term of a multitude of states of mind

It is simplistic to just narrow down these mental states into lack of one ultimate goal

I say just keep on keeping on and not even worry about it. There is always another apple that is out of reach on the tree of want. You will spend a lifetime trying for just one more apple if you get stuck in that mindset. And there will always be those apple orchard owners who keep saying "you're failing! Just do it!" (no intent of Nike copyright infringement lol)

Well.. what I look for in men is guys who blush.. I love that. >< Men who are sweet and silly, a bit perverted, but ready to wait and understanding, also I love men who like to cuddle me in their arms. Let's see.. I also love men who could take care of me, I mean, I don't wanna go dating someone, and perhaps marrying them if they can't take care of me when I'm in need.. pregnacy if that ever happens.. if I were raped I'd want someone to take care of me to help me emotionally.. my friends and family just can't offer me those things. ><

As for looks, since I can't say what ever single girl is looking for.. someone who looks well cared for.. no one's gonna want to date you if you can't wash yourself well, and have fly's flying around you with rotten teeth.

I hope that helped a little..

There are lots of things that women look for in a man. In the answers people have mentioned confidence.

I like to expand on that and call it presence. This is the overall impression that a man gives off to a woman in the first 5 seconds of meeting her.

It is his demeanor, the way he carries himself, the way he speaks and all of this points to the type of guy you are.

As part in parcel to this .. it is related to confidence. If you are comfortable in your own skin, if you own your faults and acknowledge your strengths you are going to be able to stand above the rest of the guys, who are in denial about it all.

Confidence is about liking yourself, being ok with yourself, despite knowing your follies.

Its about feeling in control no matter the situation. And the good thing about that, is that you have total 110% control over that.

Hope that helps

Originally posted by: Hot Alpha Female
There are lots of things that women look for in a man. In the answers people have mentioned confidence.

I like to expand on that and call it presence. This is the overall impression that a man gives off to a woman in the first 5 seconds of meeting her.

It is his demeanor, the way he carries himself, the way he speaks and all of this points to the type of guy you are.

As part in parcel to this .. it is related to confidence. If you are comfortable in your own skin, if you own your faults and acknowledge your strengths you are going to be able to stand above the rest of the guys, who are in denial about it all.

Confidence is about liking yourself, being ok with yourself, despite knowing your follies.

Its about feeling in control no matter the situation. And the good thing about that, is that you have total 110% control over that.

Hope that helps

In spite of the truth of this regarding female attraction, may or may not be, I don't know because I am not a woman, I tend to believe that the contrary is actually true in real life.
"control of the situation" "comfortable in one's skin" etc
It seems really that the worriers, those that acknowledge the unforseen, those who suspect the worst, are those who anticipate and plan for and hence overcome in the worst situations.
When the s--t hits the fan, no one wants the "everythiing is dandy" types as they then have no grasp of reality.
I could liken it to global political affairs. Think of the countries who have the most stalwart "my way or the highway" policies in terms of stance and bravado. Immediately to mind come countries such as Iran, North Korea, communist and fascist regimes. Whereas American policies are inherently based in a "well I may be wrong - we can discuss these issues" type of policy.
But then in fact the strongest countries are still those with a policy of breadth of difference, freedoms which allow for humilities to be expressed. And then in that regard, where does the world come crawling to when real issues arise? Those based in democracy, concepts of self-doubt, concepts of "I am no better than you -I am a failure just like you (or "sinner" without necessarily intending any religious overtones)
A three piece suit exudes confidence, but I'll really trust the humble grubby tshirt wearing greasy-faced guy when it comes down to the oil change, in concept, and I would be fairly certain everyone else would as well, over the stuffed shirt.

Perhaps interesting to consider at least.

Originally posted by: PJ@1970
In spite of the truth of this regarding female attraction, may or may not be, I don't know because I am not a woman, I tend to believe that the contrary is actually true in real life.
"control of the situation" "comfortable in one's skin" etc
It seems really that the worriers, those that acknowledge the unforseen, those who suspect the worst, are those who anticipate and plan for and hence overcome in the worst situations.
When the s--t hits the fan, no one wants the "everythiing is dandy" types as they then have no grasp of reality.
I could liken it to global political affairs. Think of the countries who have the most stalwart "my way or the highway" policies in terms of stance and bravado. Immediately to mind come countries such as Iran, North Korea, communist and fascist regimes. Whereas American policies are inherently based in a "well I may be wrong - we can discuss these issues" type of policy.
But then in fact the strongest countries are still those with a policy of breadth of difference, freedoms which allow for humilities to be expressed. And then in that regard, where does the world come crawling to when real issues arise? Those based in democracy, concepts of self-doubt, concepts of "I am no better than you -I am a failure just like you (or "sinner" without necessarily intending any religious overtones)
A three piece suit exudes confidence, but I'll really trust the humble grubby tshirt wearing greasy-faced guy when it comes down to the oil change, in concept, and I would be fairly certain everyone else would as well, over the stuffed shirt.

Perhaps interesting to consider at least.

I'm not entirely sure of what you are saying here, even though I have read this various times.

Would you care to elaborate on it a little more? =)

Confidence (a bit cocky if you will) and status, (I admit that lots of us ladies find a financially successful man yet still thriving as a huge turn-on) are common, but what we want more than that is someone who is sincere, sweet, and a sense of humor. Personality goes where the million dollar car you drive can't.

Originally posted by: cherub
Confidence (a bit cocky if you will) and status, (I admit that lots of us ladies find a financially successful man yet still thriving as a huge turn-on) are common, but what we want more than that is someone who is sincere, sweet, and a sense of humor. Personality goes where the million dollar car you drive can't.

lol
you had me up to "but what we really want..."
from that point forward with all of the rest of that pat BS answer
thanks for the laugh! :D