Hi, I met a wonderful guy. We clicked and chemistry galore! He is a passionate kisser and tells me he is so physically attracted to me. The sex was so disappointing it was hard to believe. First of all I will say his size is on the small size. I have no problems with that if he tried to please me in other ways - no. He also has admitted to some ED (he's 48). We have had sex about 10 times and all but 2 where initiated by me. The when he's ready, there is no forplay on his part, none and then he's done in 2 - 3 minutes. Over! He doesn't even touch me during the sex. Has never in all those 10 times. It's me touching him then 2 -3 minutes it's all over. He did make the comment he wished he had some viagra. (he was in a marriage for 14 years before his divorce and I don't think there was much sex in that marriage.) He's almost perfect in every other way. I'm not sure how to approach this so early in the relationship, that I'm not getting much out of it. I know I should communicate my needs to him and plan to but I want to make sure the timing is right. Do you think he's uneasy about his size? He is very affectionate in every other way. I just hate to think the physical aspect of our relatrionship could doom us. I'm very sexual and consider sex VERY important. My last relationship that lasted 7 years was very sexual and he was always in to pleasing me. Maybe he has spoiled me for life.
We all know sex is a big part of a relationship, and unfortunately, most can't survive without good sex. I believe that anyone can have good sex in a relationship, but not always in every relationship. It might not be that he's bad at sex, maybe you two are just not as compatible in that department. You had a lot to say about how physically attracted you are to each other, but that is only a forethought of sex, so maybe it is ultimately irrelevant. You say you are a sexual person, so you should ask yourself: Can I survive a long term relationship with this person when we have this kind of sex life? If not, maybe he isn't the one for you. You don't need me to tell you how important sex is. It's the reason why men and women get together. You deserve good sex, and you are completely in the right if you want to pursue it.
Hmmm... every couple I have ever known about has one issue or another, often times many issues at once. Sometimes those issues outweigh the joy and happiness of being together and they separate.
Communicate...
First and foremost, to fix something you must bring it to the open - talk about it! Most little problems become big problems and subsequently deal breakers because we hold the pain inside and it grows and festers into a monster that can't be fixed. Don't just give up before even giving it a fair shot.
How to talk about it...
As for how to tell him... Whatever you do, don't tell him that sex sucks WHILE you're being intimate or actually having sex. If you two are happy together, it's perfectly normal to sit down one afternoon and tell him there's an issue that's troubling you and you'd like to talk about it and together come up with ways to make it better.
And don't make it HIS fault, whatever you do - deal with this from your feelings and how YOU feel and what you would like to see and try. If you make it even seem like it's "his fault" he'll go on the defensive and you'll both be wasting your time; you might as well just have bad sex that night instead of talking.
Now, as to HOW to make it better. Yes, coming out of a sexless marriage he may well not have had "good" sex in many years, if ever. So this is a wonderful opportunity for you two to grow as a couple and discover how to have great sex together.
Try a whole new perspective on sex What you're doing now isn't working, so it's time to come up with some creative strategies - and to do things differently.
For example: Don't go lay in bed "to have sex". Instead go on a hot, sexy date for the evening. Flirt, have fun, then go home and you'll both be very excited sexually. At that point DO NOT go straight for vaginal penetration "sex" or you'll be down in 2 minutes again. Do something different.
Most guys think the only way to please a woman is with their penis. That's a popular myth in our culture, and it's completely bogus. check out these 2 videos:
eXtreme Sex Ed: How Can I Please With A Small Penis?
Does Penis Size Really Matter?
Maybe tease each other, try mutual masturbation, hand play. Have him "get you off" with his fingers.
She comes first...
Maybe implement the "she comes first" rule, which is what many couples do when the woman never reaches orgasm becasue the man comes quickly and leaves her hanging. That's not sustainable, and it's gonna break after a while.
You get the idea... think outside the box here.
Other resources
Want some more ideas? we have some great resources on our website as well:
Still not doing it? Some therapists even suggest bringing others into your sex life, i.e. threesomes and swinging to spice up your sex life. Althought... you two may be well too early in your relationship to go that way - and the idea may even be too exotic for you, just throwing it out there. Here's a video on that:
Threesomes As Marriage Therapy?
If you ARE interested to find out more about threesomes and swinging, check out our Swingers & Threesomes for some great articles and videos on approaching the topic.
The point in all this is there are LOTS of things to try, and it's a challenge the two of you can solve together.
Gave it your best effort together an still no traction? Go see a therapist (together of course), maybe even a sex therapist. there's nothing in the world wrong with seeking an outside opinion from a professional who does THAT for a living.
And let us know how it goes!!
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