Swinging newcomer wants someone out of the loop

in Sex and Intimacy » Swingers and Threesomes • 3 years ago

My husband and I just became swingers with my bestfriend and her husband. My husband and girlfriend have a great sexual connection, but I'm not attracted to her husband. My husband knows that and has told me that it's okay if I stray outside. However, I don't have much opportunity to do that. I did meet someone much younger than me at a party and am extremely interested in him. We connected one time with a tiny bit of foreplay. I want more from him. He is saying no because I'm married and would not do that to my husband. My husband told me that he wants to know when and if I do but not until afterwards. Help...any advise on how to do this. Should I just move on (but to what?) There is a slight possibility we might be at a party Sat night. Is this considered cheating? Don't know...so confused...not used to this new stuff yet.

Replies(2)

k. in cle..

What is cheating?

3 years ago

When a relationship is opened there are many things that used to be strictly defined that are suddenly redefined and sometimes the lines are thin and blurred.... Before you began swinging, if either one of you had sex with another person it would automatically be cheating. What about contact? If you had met someone and shared a kiss before you were swinging would that have been cheating?... for some people this is a straight up yes, others a not really, and some might want a divorce over this.
But now you've opened the wide world of open relationships. Welcome. It can be a very fun and exciting world for you and your husband, or it can be very difficult and painful. The difference is what you do with it. You have to talk with your husband openly and honestly. He already knows you're not interested in your girlfriend's hubby sexually. He gave you permission to go outside, but he sounds uneasy about this... as well he should be. You say you are very new to the openness of swinging. Obviously you have more trust within your relationship than most monogamous relationship couples have... but this can be difficult, even for more experienced swingers...
I have known couples who swing for 10 years and do not play without their mate... and others who swing for a year or two and play separately.

You and your husband need to have a chat with each other. No, a talk, talking is more serious than chatting... If you have not already discussed these things with him, now is the time to start.
Why not find another couple both of you can enjoy? I'm sure there's nothing wrong with your friend's guy, just not attracted to him. This is fine, swingers don't have to be attracted to everyone.. swinger does not equal nympho by any means.

Why does your husband not want to know before you'd play with this younger man? Is he jealous? Does he think he'll put a kibosh to the whole thing if he knows before hand?
Just this sends a red flag up to me that he is not really comfortable with this, but he's trying to make you happy.

Would you be comfortable with him playing outside of your circle? Why or why not?

Is there any chance your husband, yourself, and your new guy friend could play together? This might make your husband feel more comfortable that you're not going to leave him for this young stud.

Out of curiosity, the party you met this young man at, was this a swing party? Is this a swing party you may meet up with him at this weekend?
If it is going to be a swing party, this would be a good time to have a 3some.

Also, it sounds to me like you are faithful to your one couple that you play with. Is this a boundary line for either of you, or are you interested in playing with multiple couples (not necessarily at once, just having a few couples that you meet with for fun instead of just one) This would alleviate some of the discomfort from your situation of him getting satisfied with your friend and you not being satisfied with friend's hubby...

Then you need to talk about what you both agree on is cheating. Like I said earlier, some long time swingers don't play separately. For them, it's thin ice to tread on.. might be considered cheating, might not. You have to know what works for you.
If the situation were different, and you both enjoyed this other couple, would you play with him without your husband, or would your husband play with her without you?

Just figure things out for yourselves, what is uncomfortable, what is OK, and what is right out of the question. Then talk about the grey areas... this is where the most trouble can occur. If a grey area situation approaches and you're still not sure.. best to steer clear to avoid that iceberg.. might sink ya, might not, but do you want to find out?

Assure your husband you love him, are attracted to him and enjoy having sex with him. I hope he can do the same for you.

danandjen..

Don't ask... Don't tell....

3 years ago

We've said this before, but we're very uncomfortable with the idea of, especially new, swingers having sex when their partner is not around and does not know about it.

You both have to be REALLY secure and trusting of one another and if you were going to do this - talk before, during, and after. If your husband is really OK with it - he needs to know what's happening.

The fact that he doesn't want to know until afterward raises some red flags for me. That tells me that he does have some jealousy or insecurity issues that he has not addressed. He may think he's OK with it now, but how will he feel afterward - the whole don't ask, don't tell idea. To me that's just an excuse to avoid facing your feelings and your fears.

I say always ask and always tell. That's the only way to have an open and trusting relationship.

You guys need to talk about this some more and keep looking for a couple that you both like or maybe a group of friends that you can both hang out with and play with.