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I was raped when I was younger (11) by two guys for nine months. I still have the scars from cigarette burns, a box cutter, not to mention the negative emotional scars, which bother me MUCH more than the physical ones.
Now I'm 27, and I CANNOT enjoy sex, even with myself. Physically, orgasm hurts, and the rare time that it doesn't, it makes me feel sick to my stomach and dirty and guilty and all these other wonderful negative conotations. I feel like sex is only so a man can feel good and women, although I see and hear the contrary every day, are only sex objects who don't enjoy sex and are being victimized, even when they have sex with their husbands, wives, partners, whatever. I get angry when people tell me they enjoy sex. But I get angry with myself because even though I feel this way, I don't want to, and I want to enjoy sex with myself and eventually, when I find someone whom I trust, with a partner. :mad:
Not that I haven't had partners, I've slept with women AND men, both who made me feel used afterward, even though it was NOT their intention and they didn't do anything to me that was in any way exploitive or abusive. I've gone to therapy for years now, I know that the person I'm sleeping with (even when it's just me, and well, me!) isn't going to hurt me and it's okay to have an orgasm and etc., but I still can't feel good about the entire situation. Has anyone had this issue? I'm at my wit's end here, and honestly, I feel really lonely. :(
Now I'm 27, and I CANNOT enjoy sex, even with myself. Physically, orgasm hurts, and the rare time that it doesn't, it makes me feel sick to my stomach and dirty and guilty and all these other wonderful negative conotations. I feel like sex is only so a man can feel good and women, although I see and hear the contrary every day, are only sex objects who don't enjoy sex and are being victimized, even when they have sex with their husbands, wives, partners, whatever. I get angry when people tell me they enjoy sex. But I get angry with myself because even though I feel this way, I don't want to, and I want to enjoy sex with myself and eventually, when I find someone whom I trust, with a partner. :mad:
Not that I haven't had partners, I've slept with women AND men, both who made me feel used afterward, even though it was NOT their intention and they didn't do anything to me that was in any way exploitive or abusive. I've gone to therapy for years now, I know that the person I'm sleeping with (even when it's just me, and well, me!) isn't going to hurt me and it's okay to have an orgasm and etc., but I still can't feel good about the entire situation. Has anyone had this issue? I'm at my wit's end here, and honestly, I feel really lonely. :(
