Very bad problems with the fiancee

in Love and Relationships » Relationship Advice • 3 years ago

Or is it ex fiancee?

Literally 5 hours ago from when I start to write this, I walked into my flat to find half of the furniture missing. The fiancees half. Although you'd expect this to only happen in movies, it really happened, I'm not having you on, or even exaggerating a tiny bit.

I found 2 letters on my desk one from her, one from her mothers boyfriend (or as I think of him now, "her, step-****hole" ,

The one from him wasn't very interesting, saying I'm a spineless, wet, mummies boy & I should join the navy... (lols)

The one from her told me (which had her ring on top of).

-It shouldn't be a surprise,
-The letting company is aware she has moved out and I've got until the 21st January to move out, I've got the bills to pay etc.
-quote "I don't feel I need to give the reason why I have left as with a bit of thinking it should be obvious. (its not cause you don't have a job)."

So she called her mum, got her to move her stuff and ran back away to Swindon Uk, 200 miles way from me.

I have rung her best mate (my mate too),

We have collaborated some ideas between us, like what I may have done wrong and other useful bits of information (note, my fiancee seemed perfectly happy to both of us and did not mention anything to either of us).

my comments are in parenthesis

-I beat her (yep I hit her a few times, never very hard, gentle, not a real punch, usually when she wouldn't listen to reason, wrong I know).(I knows its wrong please don't flame me & go off topic, can I get your forgiveness?)
-I used to talk about doing other girls, (yep, wrong I know)
-We was having sex, I fell on her, broke the cartilage in her sternum, doctor says it could take a year to heal, she's been in pain for about 4 months (was complete accident, we were completely no hard feelings about this I think, she may have been depressed because of this).
-Her mums boyfriend was very rude to me before, so I wouldn't let her see her mum because her mum refused to not bring her boyfriend when coming to see us (I should have been "big" and not let this bother me).
-I actually do have a job, but I didn't for awhile before, we spoke about this, we had a serious discussion a few weeks ago, I went out and got a job.
-Apparently my fiancee has been planning this for a few weeks.
-She has bought a new phone and has a new number, I can't contact her, her best mate won't give me the number.

So far things that have happened...
-Her best mate talked to her and relayed some info to me.
-I rang her mums home & spoke to her mum. She said my fiancee didn't want to speak to me, but I apologised for not letting them (mum & daughter) see each-other. I said I didn't want anything to happen now, but I would like to stay friends with my fiancee and speak to her in the future. Her mum said its up to her to speak to/ring me.

So I'm waiting on a call which may or may not come.

I ask you guys what should/can I do?

I don't know if ringing her mums home tonight and speaking to her mum was the best move, but that is what I have done.

I don't want to make any bad moves, I'd like you guys to help keep me sane & give me advice & perhaps a heads up of anything I should watch out for...

what is that word I'm looking for...

Support?

(P.S. I'm thinking I should send her an email telling her what I think I did wrong and telling her I'd never do it again & that I'd like to be able to call her so we can try to patch things up slowly & steadily so we can rebuild our relationship bit by bit into something good this time)
I'm also thinking I should remind her of how well we have been doing lately (I've not hit her since we had our serious talk), I'm still trying to work out what I did that coincides with the time when she made up her mind to leave.

(I'm being 100% honest with you guys, if you don't like what I have done feel free to start a new thread to flame me, I know I've done wrong and learnt my lesson, I'd like some help here though).

Any ideas?

Replies(10)

mandie_da..

Interesting...to say the least.

3 years ago

Well, the best thing you can do right now is leave her alone. Go to work, look in the ads for a new place and move the hell on. If and when she's ready to speak to you, she will. Speaking from experience, the last thing an angry woman wants is for the person she's not happy with at the moment to call, e-mail or even show up at her door (it will only make her more mad and hurt ANY chance of you two speaking again). With that said, we all make mistakes. We wouldn't be human and learn anything if we didn't do stupid things from time to time. I'm not here to judge or even make comments on someone's character. And I even give you a little credit for being honest about your actions. What you can do for yourself is to do a lot of self growth and improvements. Look at who you view yourself to be and who you want to be. The new year is upon us, so re-invent yourself, change how you deal with anger issues (take anger mananagement classes), volunteer somewhere/do some charity work, look on the net or buy some books on resources of how you can be more respectful to women (inside and outside of a relationship), etc... Later down the road if your paths cross again and she's seen that you've done good for yourself and have tried to become a better man, then maybe, MAYBE, she'll be comfortable talking to you again and could open the doors to a friendship that may or may not flourish into something great. But you need to give her space and time. And if she wants nothing to do with you, then move on to someone else. There many woman alive in this world who are single and looking. Hope everything works out for you and hope you've learned from your mistakes :) Happy holidays.

saishuu

Re: Very bad problems with the fiancee

3 years ago

I have learnt from my mistakes, I'm so sorry for all of them, I've decided to leave her be until she gets in contact with me again.

Its so hard, I can't do anything without switching to something else, I have no appetite and I can't sleep, I don't know what to do. I'm really really messed up, what should I do? how can I start to get better? how long will it last?

mandie_da..

Re: Very bad problems with the fiancee

3 years ago

It's tough to say how long it will last. Maybe it will be over in a day, week, month or maybe it will take years for her to be comfortable talking again. What really helps me and some others I know is to write down everything you're feeling. Do it in a word document, blog, video blog or the old fashion way with pen and paper. Just write it all out; whatever comes to your mind. Also, talk to someone: family, friends, pastor, anyone willing to listen without judgement. I know it's tough now and it may seem like you'll never get over it/ her. But trust me, it will get better, you will see better days, and you could even meet someone else who will turn all those sad/depressed feelings into something good and full of love. It's not easy but try and stay as optimistic as possible. Live every day to the fullest and rock it out to some angry heavy metal (I do that every time one of my relationships don't work out; and that's been a lot of times. lol)

saishuu

Re: Very bad problems with the fiancee

3 years ago

Thanks Mandie

Fair enough, I have actually been writing stuff down. But I made the big mistake of alienating all my friends because all I needed was her.

I went out tonight, to a club where I know the owner, it was shut... electrical difficulties, I just turned round and came home, sigh, maybe its just not my week.

saishuu

Re: Very bad problems with the fiancee

3 years ago

Well I managed to get her new number, from one of her work colleagues, I left her a message, hopefully she listened to it & hopefully it does some good.

femaleorg..

Do self-improvement for a year

3 years ago

Don't focus on her for a year. Do nothing but self-improvement. Start with "Unlimited Power" by Anthony Robbins.

Beagle

Two words of advice.

3 years ago

When you hit a woman because she wouldn't "listen to reason," you've lost control. I've got two words for you-Get help.

mike_in_t..

Let Her GO

2 years ago

Ive found out from experience that if you beg them back, they will come, but to leave all over again. Make her think you dont give a damn. Dont call, write, in no way contact her. When she calls you, and 99.9% she will, act like youre too busy to talk, she'll wonder what the hell youre doing lol. Let her do the begging. Dont give her the satisfaction of knowing youll take her back after leaving. She chose to leave, let her deal with that.

scarbowl

Re: Very bad problems with the fiancee

2 years ago

I agree with Beagle. Don't ask her to come back. Don't find another girlfriend or partner. Get help. Never, ever, ever, hit someone. You can say it was gentle, etc etc but it was violence.

Please get help. Or you will do it again.

And please leave her alone. She needs better - whether you hurt her intentionally or by accident. Let her heal.

And get some decent work. Maybe stop drinking?

The best thing you can do for yourself and others is to work on making yourself a better person. Figure out why you do these things and work to change.

Probably not what you want to hear. But look deep into yourself and figure out why you have done the things you've done. Don't blame others. Figure out how you can change it.

We wish you well.

squishypoo

Re: Very bad problems with the fiancee

2 years ago

wow uh you should drop it. if she planned this for weeks and left and changed her number and moved out shes through. you sound like you were horrible to her and shes had enough. i doubt she will come back. you were everything a girl doesnt want a guy to be

controlling
abusive
rude
you desired other girls

if she is strong minded and her own person she wont come back.