waiting and more waiting

in Sex and Intimacy » Sex Tips and Advice • 2 years ago

I suppose reading my past posts will give you an idea of what my GF and I have been through so far. Well, we finally took the plunge, sort of...I was able to penetrate, maybe half-way, but it really caused her a lot of pain and we had to stop. She bled afterward, and subsequent attempts (a couple of days later) were aborted as it was too painful for her. She's going to the gynecologist to see what's wrong...oh, and to ask about the HPV vaccine. When we first started talking about sex a couple of months ago, she mentioned she wanted to get that checked out. She was worried that she was too old (she's 28), but since she had never been sexually active we thought there might still be a chance for her to get it. However, she kept putting it off. So now we've sort of "done it." (no finish or anything, very frustrating but I'm trying to be patient), and she's talking about getting this vaccine which she says will take 6 months to administer...and I assume we won't be having sex during that time...she said 6 months is too long to wait. I'm not sure I can take much more of this. I figured it would take a few tries before she became more comfortable, but now it seems like things will take much, much longer. I don't know if I can wait another 6 months. We're already here, ready to take the leap, and I fear that putting it off much longer will just drive us apart.

Replies(8)

Beagle

Re: waiting and more waiting

2 years ago

The gynecological checkup is the most sensible first step. You need to make sure you're not dealing with a medical problem. There's no reason a man or woman can't start having sex at 28; or 38 or 48. If she's having pain after first intercourse, then there's a medical problem that needs to be checked out. Let me commend the two of you for having the foresight to do that.

I would recommend not speculating on what to do next until she's had that. Until you know the cause, you're working blind. Then, you will hopefully know what you and she need to do to solve the problem. Reading between the lines, my educated guess is vaginisus, a condition where intercourse is prevented because the muscles of the vagina involuntarily tighten. Her ob/gyn will know what to do if this is the case.

thirtyzdu..

done that...

2 years ago

She went to the doctor last week; when she told the gynecologist that we tried to have sex but couldn't, the doctor laughed and asked "why not?" When my gf told her about the pain, the doc did an exam and told her there was nothing wrong with her. One thing that kinda bugs me is that we had talked about is that if her hymen is indeed causing her pain, well, have the doctor remove it. But she didn't ask the gynecologist about it. We tried again afterward, but it was still too painful for more than a quick strokes. Afterward she bled, read up on the issue on the internet, and from one person's post decided she needed to let it heal before we tried again. I'm not saying that's right or wrong; I'm really in uncharted territory here. I don't know if this is going to be a pattern of "try, wait a few days, try...repeat for several months." I just don't know what else to do. I can't be forceful about it, I have to go at her pace, but it just seems like at this pace we're just prolonging the pain and the frustration. Imagine having slow sex for about ten seconds and then having her tell you "that's enough for today"....it's agonizing...is this normal? I really don't know!

Beagle

Re: waiting and more waiting

2 years ago

No! The hymen should have torn with the first intercourse. There is a rare condition where the hymen will stretch instead of tearing, causing ongoing pain. That is easily treatable by simply cutting the hymen. The remainder is then worn away by normal intercourse.

This doesn't sound like an ob/gyn's behavior. If it is, she needs a new one. She needs to see a gynecologist, not a general practitioner. If this was a gynecologist, she needs to see another one. This was not appropriate treatment. Pain during intercourse is a serious problem and needs to be treated with more respect and concern than this person is displaying.

thirtyzdu..

gow to broach the subject...

2 years ago

Thank you very much for your replies. What do I do next? I can't just tell her "go to a different doctor, get your hymen removed, etc..." Part of it is that I may be accused of having an ulterior motive, part of is that she is fairly strong-willed - I did tell her she can have the hymen removed but she did nothing about it, opting instead to go this "try, wait, try" approach. I am trying to be patient here but I don't know if that's doing any good. The last time we tried I told her I couldn't keep on like this (when we try, she positions it, tells me to move forward while keeping one hand on my abdomen so she can push me back if it hurts). She convinced me to keep on trying but I'm not sure how long I can keep this up. I want to be kind, but part of me wonders if I should just say no. Any thoughts? Once again, thanks for the input.

Beagle

Re: waiting and more waiting

2 years ago

I think I would present it as "I don't think this has been properly evaluated. I think you need to get a second opinion."

We all have aches and pains. When you have prolonged unexplained pain, it's a sign of a problem. I don't recommend you "keep trying" until this is medically evaluated.

At some point, you have to consider the possibility that this is psychosomatic. First, a physical cause needs to be ruled out. The doctor needs to know that she is unable to have intercourse.

This problem, whether physical or psychological, is treatable, but wishful thinking isn't going to make it go away. I think you need to take the lead here and help her get an appointment. If she's willing, perhaps even go with her. If she refuses to take the steps to address the problem, then you have a choice to make.

thirtyzdu..

don't understand why I'm so despondent about this...

2 years ago

well, we tried again last night but I wasn't even turned on enough to really do much. Part of it may have had to do with the TV being on and she was watching that instead of being into what we were doing. When I told her we needed to reduce interruptions/distractions, she said she was doing that so she could avoid watching what I was doing and getting apprehensive of the pain. She wants to get a vibrator or something so she can "stretch herself out." For some reason this whole thing is very depressing to me; I'm not sure why. It's like sex is the last thought on my mind now. I tried to explain to her that the buildup and subsequent letdown (when she tells me to stop) is killing me, but she has a valid point in that it's tough for her too...I just don't know why this is so depressing for me. I'm sure part of it was all the buildup to this point, plus a general confusion as to how to proceed. I've been with virgins before, and it was never this difficult. Of course, now my girlfriend is contending that these girls lied about being virgins, but that is another story....

techbob77..

Re: waiting and more waiting

2 years ago

I find that it sometimes helps if you have a list of things to ask the doctor, so you don't forget to ask/too embarassed to talk about. Hand the paper to them stating what you've done so far. Dump this doctor that laughed he's an a-hole. I do computer support I listen to the problem and solve it, I don't laugh at the person, that's extremely unprofessional.

You should call a ob/gyn yourself and ask about said symptoms and that some other doctor laughed at her.

You have to refuse trying it "her way" until she gets a second opinion. Deal with no sex until it's looked at.

Bleeding is never good.

slittylic..

Re: waiting and more waiting

2 years ago

I would definitely rule out the possibility of a medical problem. We know that not being able to insert a penis into a vagina is not normal. That's what they're designed to do...accept a penis, as well as expel an infant.
It must be frustrating. Until you go to a competent and caring doctor you wont know what's really going on. Go ASAP.