Ask Dan & Jennifer

The thing here is that you cannot just go picking someone to add to your intimate time because one of you is comfortable with it. Especially if one of you isn't comfortable with it! Why is this woman the chosen one when you talk about the threesome? Is it because you think that her having done it before will make it easier, or is it because he really wants to do her? Sometimes I feel that an actual swap is easier (i.e. having another couple instead of just a 3rd partner) This seems to work out better for most because there is another level of trust. The single person doesn't have a life and a history and a family to loose if they run off with someone new. But a married person does have that, so it's kind of like an instant leash on one's emotions. Also, no matter how hard you try, in a threesome someone seems to end up feeling left out. And it's usually the "first" man or woman (in MFM or FMF respectively).. the one in the relationship. This is only natural of course, because it's our nature to be interested in new things. But then the other person feels left out.....
BUT, if you do choose to do a threesome with another woman, it needs to be a woman you both feel comfortable with. Because with discomfort comes uneasiness, and with that comes mistrust which can breed a whole new onslaught of marital problems. Even if waiting until you find the right partner means waiting another 5 years, it is better than diving into something that can wreck your relationship.

Thank you for your thoughts!! First of all, not new info...I re-read my post and realize I forgot a very important piece of information. She is married. Her husband does not join us when we are out and does not care to and doesn't care if she is out with friends. So, does this make the situation any better or worse that he is there for her at home and she is not single? She doesn't screw around on him. My new gathering of information tells me she is interested in women (bi) and this experience and he would prefer she just tell him about it. (I'm not sure at this point how much telling is necessary) Now, 'we' wouldn't understand or allow that within our relationship but is this more common than we are possibly aware of? Most other friends are couples and they socialize together like we do, so this friendship without one's husband is different. The biggest reason of choice at this point is we think discreetness would be there. This is extremely important for us. Yes, I think there is some calmness to knowing she is comfortable with such experience. Our biggest desire is for me to be with another woman. The swap idea always seemed more complicated but you make excellent points. My husband would even be able to just watch knowing he has satisfaction in the end, but is that really even possible and do the feelings of being left out cause problems I haven't thought of. The more I think and reflect, I wonder if the biggest of my worry is the unknown of after feelings and knowing they have to see each other at work everyday. My husband seems to think increased distant contact can be done to avoid any uneasiness or othe problems. I think I need to think deeper on whether or not we are both truly comfortable with this choice as you say. ..and I would like to say this should not be so difficult when you truly want this experience!

Now, when you say her hubby doesn't join you nor does he care to... do you mean just at movies/dinner/whatever, or do you mean in the bedroom? Does he know she wants to have a 3some with you and your hubby? If he does, and he's OK with it, then that's their relationship how they want it... but if this is something she's keeping from him, that's bad news.
I can definitely understand your fear of knowing that your hubby and she would see each other at work. I guess I would be most concerned about how eager he seems to be about this. If you brought up another woman, or say, for instance, going on AFF to find someone, is he acting disgusted or disappointed, or does he just want to experience this no matter who is the 3rd party?

I would say there is no such thing as too much analyzing. If done right, opening up your relationship wan be a wonderful thing. But, if done improperly, it can ruin a good relationship. So, you both need to examine your motives openly and honestly... and decide what is best for you.

This is helping alot! Her hubby doesn't like to go out and socialize at all and he doesn't mind if she has experience with woman....I follow you on this and will know where else to go with my conversations here. I believe they are honest and choose this relationship--I know where to go here! Thanks. As far as my hubby, he is really, really wanting this experience and is OK with any woman as long as we are both comfortable. He is ok with this woman because he is somewhat 'shy' until you get to know him and is slow to warm up and get to know others. He has been able to do this with this woman because he sees her more than others. Other possibilities bomb for one reason or another and he his even disappointed with those not panning out that we cannot pursue further. Excellent questions here! This helps to talk out. You are right about opening up; this whole deep conversation has brought us closer; still analyzing though! I guess I'm not totally attracted to this woman either but the last conversation sure did work me up! :) yep, still analyzing, I'm not there yet!

:confused: I don't know...does he really just want 'her' in some kind of sexual experience to get even closer?...even if he would do this others, maybe i'm being naive. wish I knew how to be sure on this one.

Well, the answer honestly may not come until it happens. But, I thing you have a good idea of what may or may not happen to your relationship... I like to steal the idea from Star Wars about using the "force" and looking to that inner Jedi and seeing the answer.
I think you guys will do fine. I think you know what is wrong and what is right for you. ;) I, however, do not, as I am not in your relationship... I can just give my thoughts and feelings based on my experience and knowledge.

Husband - co-worker.

Right off to bat, not a good choice for a first time. Riddle me this: what happens if something doesn't go right? What happens to the work relationship? Does your husband need his job or is he willing to sacrifice it?

Talk about putting yourselves in the line of fire.

Her husband doesn't care? Again be cautious. Why wouldn't he care? Is she willing to swing / threesome with you or in reality, is she cheating? Have you personally spoken to the husband or are you just taking her word for it?

Swinging is all about trust and communication, your situation has the potential of exploding right in your faces in so many ways.

IMHO, you are not over analyzing but you are not analyzing the right things. You claim to be happily married for 25 years, swinging won't change that unless one of you has reservations about it or jealousy.

My advice is find a couple with a Bi female OUTSIDE of the workplace that appeal to you both. That will be easier then you think and a lot less risky.

I hope you've had a good four way chat.
I have to say this about the other guy. In what way is he not concerned? "I don't care", "I don't care to join", "I don't want to know", or "I'll enjoy thinking about it later."?
What I'm saying is, is he a cuckold? He may get off on having her come home after a romp. Ask her first.

Anne- I too have struggled with this question for some time.

And- I can't say that I have any LARGE amount of real world practical experience with it (although I have done it once- both ways), but...

What I would say is this:

...Do *YOU* like her?? ...Are you curious about what it would be like to kiss or caress another woman?? ...To have you and your husband touch her? ...Are you and your husband both comfortable enough (and mature enough) with each other to explore this in a mature, loving (and hopefully, fun!!!) way?

If so- then really, I don't think anything at all should stop the two of you from exploring these desires together.
Although- after reading what you've said, it might be good to re-think your choice of person. ...Maybe try someone less close to home?? ...Someone who won't get complicated by her husband??

Now again- often times, I think some men may come to their wives and ask for this because they secretly want to just be with the other woman. But, if this is the case, I think you, (or rather he) is approaching it all wrong.

What you need to understand here is that its all about sharing. ...And about adding a little bit of occasional extra spice to this long relationship that you both have been having for most of your lives.

Again- not to sound sexist or whatever, but I think if its done the right way (and with the right rules, which you both agree to in advance, and not *everytime* all-the-time), it can add quite a bit of flair to a now-gone-routine sex life.

Also- I think its important that she needs to understand that you love your husband, and that she is there for both of you- and it needs to be very clear that if the two fo you start getting into dark water, its time for both of you to permanently break it off with her.

...Which is why I think its a great idea to try it for the first time with someone who is clean, who you are both comfortable with, and with whom neither of you will be likely to meet up with again.

...When your husband realizes that you are as much into it as he is (oh- and, *shhhhhh*- that you secretly control exactly when, exactly where, and exactly how it happens), he will turn over backwards to keep the fire of your marriage burning.

After all- when your wife fulfills all of your wildest desires, what better fate is there for a man to have??