Ask Dan & Jennifer

Maybe I just don't see it but if currently you don't and hes undecided and you said you would really go either way if he really wanted them then why does it matter it seems to work either way for both of you.

Scenarios I see from your question:

You don't he does, you said you would if he really wanted them.

He doesn't you do, I think he would change his mind.

You don't he doesn't you both get what you want.

I have a perspective here. My best friend in high school found the love of his life in college. They were great together from the start. She wanted children, and he was vehemently opposed. Eventually, she decided she just couldn't live without children and didn't want him having children if he really didn't want them. (He had once said that if they did have children, they would be her children.) She ended up leaving him to look for someone who wanted children.

The need to have children is implanted very deep in our unconscious. If it wasn't the species would have died out thousands of years ago. At a deep level, we feel that if we don't have children that we cease to exist. And, in the biological sense, that's true. To those who want children, they are our immortality.

In your case, saying we'll deal with this one when we come to it is a statistic waiting to happen. This is one of those things where compromise isn't possible. It's great that your relationship is this wonderful. but in this case, it's like finding a car that looks great, attracts girls, gets 50 miles to a gallon, costs $1,600 and is cheap to insure but has a bomb planted under the front seat. That's not a bargain. Marriage needs to go on hold until you and he are able to resolve this issue. I'm not saying you need to break up, but you need to make sure you're prepared to accept the fact that he may never want children. If he doesn't, but has children to please you, you need to be prepared to accept that you'll be raising the kids while he's on the golf course. My experience is that people who don't want children but have them to please their wife generally end up resenting the children and their wife. I've also seen more than one guy use the kids getting more attention than him as an excuse for an affair. I'm not saying that your man would do that, but it does happen. Ask your older friends.

Ultimately, this is a conversation only you and he could have. Regarding marriage, if you are having doubts, then the answer is "no," or at least "not now."

I know I'm not telling you what you want to hear, but proceeding with this issue unresolved is entering a "fools paradise" as they say. Everything is fine, but the other shoe is bound to drop eventually. Usually, when the woman is nearing the end of her reproductive years.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, I'm sure we will find them helpful. Any more thoughts are more than welcome, but I just wanted to clarify a couple of points:

It's me (the 29 year old female partner) who has never particularly wanted kids, and my partner who thinks he might eventually.

We both accept we might change our minds, and we've talked about what we would need to consider to split childcare fairly if we did have kids. We'd be taking account of what we each earn, what we are entitled to in terms of leave from work, how well we deal with lack of sleep and what we each want when making plans to meet childcare needs. For example, I'd go nuts staying home with kids full time. I'd have to work some of the time and he understands he wouldn't be spending the whole time on the golf course. :)

If it became really important to him, I'd consider having his child very seriously. I can see why some people do want kids, and is 'his child' a slightly different proposition to 'kids in general'. But I can't make him any promises this will be something I'm able to do, either on medical grounds (i.e. I might not still be fertile by then) or on emotional grounds (I might just not be cut out to be a Mom)

Well I'm not sure,but I'm a kid.I'm only 12 years old.My mom says I can be a handful sometimes.But the only reason for that is because I have ADHD(Attention Defaset Hyper Disorder).

I'm always surprised to hear when people have made up their minds at such a young age, on such a major life event. As stated earlier, having children is deeply rooted into our being. You may have zero desire today, and can't possibly imagine it, but as primal as having children is it is hard for me to believe that you will never want kids. Who hasn't met a woman in their 40's, who suddenly hits the mommy wall and has children?

If you don't know for certain that children are in your future, then I would say this is likely a deal breaker. I personally could not go on with someone who was uncertain about this. I would not want to waste the next 5-10 years in a relationship that had no chance of going forward, unless I was willing to give up my chance to be a dad, and that is something very, very few people are willing to give up.