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I have been in a committed relationship for almost seven years. We have three children together ( I have one from a previous marriage) and have definitely weathered our ups and downs. We have never been unfaithful and jealousy is not an issue in our relationship. I am five years older than him. Our relationship is great. He is attentive, affectionate, and caring. We fight, sometimes a lot but I know that we genuinely love each other. Sometimes we just like to fight. He acts like he is attracted to me. He makes comments or touches me when I walk by.
So the problem is that for probably for five to five and a half years now he has had a limited sex drive. We went from the "honeymoon period" of having sex everyday to biweekly, then monthly almost overnight. I have brought it up in every way possible. At first it made me feel very insecure. I would ask him about it. He would reassure me that nothing was wrong, he was tired or didn't feel well, etc. And he does work two jobs and has for years. I was able to rationalize it. Then for a long time if we had sex it was just a quickie. I enjoy quickies, I do but I can only orgasm through oral sex. Which incidentally he is really good at. So then I tried to talk to him about that. His ready answer was he didn't know what the problem was he would work on it. I was making the first moves for a long time. Finally I was tired of being rejected. His answer was almost always later. Then of course later he would fall asleep. He has for years been the kind of guy who will wake up and kiss me on the neck and talk about what we were going to do tonight but by tonight he is no longer interested. So I started encouraging him to just have sex when the impulse strikes. A quickie would be fine then. Still no change. At some point about six months ago or a little more we had another (there have been so many) conversation. I explained to him that I was unable to be the instigator anymore. That I am just now to insecure. I want him to want me. I mean at this point I am practically begging him to have quickies so maybe the "pressure" to perform is off. He said that he thought he might be more interested if we spiced things up. Maybe if I shaved, or we watched porn, or bought a vibrator. I was floored. Not because I am against any of that but because I have offered that on more than one occasion. Once I shaved and came home from work early. I showed him and he acted all excited then he wanted to watch a movie. So anyway I said okay I was game for whatever. I did shave and have kept it that way. So the last few times (spaced over a month a half) he did perform oral and so did I. Since then I have waited and waited for him to even mention sex. He has made a few comments here or there and I have acted interested. His comments are always peppered with later. It has been over six weeks. The thing is he finally has a work schedule that allows us to spend time together. He is not coming home exhausted. He has plenty of time for World of Warcraft (newer craze for him). I feel like we might as well be monks. I have for forever felt like most of the sex we have is pity sex. A chore he is trying to get over with. Now I would probably be very interested in some pity sex.
I never complain when we do have sex. I always tell him it was great and usually it is. I stopped nagging him about sex a long time ago. I am just afraid that on his own he will never want to again. I do still feel like he must not be attracted to me. I even wondered if maybe he just really disliked giving oral. I have asked him that. He denies it. I thought though that might explain it. If that is a chore for him and it is the only way I can get off then maybe that is the problem. If that is the case though we could try other things. I would be happy if he used his hands more than his mouth. I would probably even be happy with just intercourse but he is a one time only kind of guy. He says after he gets off he has no interest in doing it again and can't get another erection. Since he is one of those guys who doesn't last that long it is fun but not enough to make me have a orgasm. Since he denies that oral sex is the problem I cannot help him with solutions. I hate to have any conversation with him about it. If feels like I am calling into question his masculinity but I am not trying to. It is so ironic since I have never been so attracted to another man as I still am him today. I love him and fully expect to spend the rest of my life with him. This is our only real problem but it is a major one. I know myself well enough to know that eventually I will look elsewhere for what I see now as validation. I even told him that once. Because of this longstanding problem sex has become a taboo topic for me. I can't tell him what I would like or want.
I know this post was long. I apologize, it is five years worth of baggage.
So the problem is that for probably for five to five and a half years now he has had a limited sex drive. We went from the "honeymoon period" of having sex everyday to biweekly, then monthly almost overnight. I have brought it up in every way possible. At first it made me feel very insecure. I would ask him about it. He would reassure me that nothing was wrong, he was tired or didn't feel well, etc. And he does work two jobs and has for years. I was able to rationalize it. Then for a long time if we had sex it was just a quickie. I enjoy quickies, I do but I can only orgasm through oral sex. Which incidentally he is really good at. So then I tried to talk to him about that. His ready answer was he didn't know what the problem was he would work on it. I was making the first moves for a long time. Finally I was tired of being rejected. His answer was almost always later. Then of course later he would fall asleep. He has for years been the kind of guy who will wake up and kiss me on the neck and talk about what we were going to do tonight but by tonight he is no longer interested. So I started encouraging him to just have sex when the impulse strikes. A quickie would be fine then. Still no change. At some point about six months ago or a little more we had another (there have been so many) conversation. I explained to him that I was unable to be the instigator anymore. That I am just now to insecure. I want him to want me. I mean at this point I am practically begging him to have quickies so maybe the "pressure" to perform is off. He said that he thought he might be more interested if we spiced things up. Maybe if I shaved, or we watched porn, or bought a vibrator. I was floored. Not because I am against any of that but because I have offered that on more than one occasion. Once I shaved and came home from work early. I showed him and he acted all excited then he wanted to watch a movie. So anyway I said okay I was game for whatever. I did shave and have kept it that way. So the last few times (spaced over a month a half) he did perform oral and so did I. Since then I have waited and waited for him to even mention sex. He has made a few comments here or there and I have acted interested. His comments are always peppered with later. It has been over six weeks. The thing is he finally has a work schedule that allows us to spend time together. He is not coming home exhausted. He has plenty of time for World of Warcraft (newer craze for him). I feel like we might as well be monks. I have for forever felt like most of the sex we have is pity sex. A chore he is trying to get over with. Now I would probably be very interested in some pity sex.
I never complain when we do have sex. I always tell him it was great and usually it is. I stopped nagging him about sex a long time ago. I am just afraid that on his own he will never want to again. I do still feel like he must not be attracted to me. I even wondered if maybe he just really disliked giving oral. I have asked him that. He denies it. I thought though that might explain it. If that is a chore for him and it is the only way I can get off then maybe that is the problem. If that is the case though we could try other things. I would be happy if he used his hands more than his mouth. I would probably even be happy with just intercourse but he is a one time only kind of guy. He says after he gets off he has no interest in doing it again and can't get another erection. Since he is one of those guys who doesn't last that long it is fun but not enough to make me have a orgasm. Since he denies that oral sex is the problem I cannot help him with solutions. I hate to have any conversation with him about it. If feels like I am calling into question his masculinity but I am not trying to. It is so ironic since I have never been so attracted to another man as I still am him today. I love him and fully expect to spend the rest of my life with him. This is our only real problem but it is a major one. I know myself well enough to know that eventually I will look elsewhere for what I see now as validation. I even told him that once. Because of this longstanding problem sex has become a taboo topic for me. I can't tell him what I would like or want.
I know this post was long. I apologize, it is five years worth of baggage.
