Ask Dan & Jennifer

NiceGuy: I'm something of a nice guy, and I think we have all been in this relationship at one time or another. There are tons of songs written about this very thing. "Are you going to stay with the one who loves you, or go back to the one you love?"

In my situation, which was quite recent, she wanted to continue seeing each other but she wasn't willing to leave the other guy. I eventually sent her a long email telling her I just couldn't do it. I realized I was never going to heal that way, because every time I saw her it just opened up the wound. You will never be able to be "friends" with this girl. I personally think "being friends" is just code for "you can't have what you want, so settle for what you can get." I decided to end contact after one of my female friends said "How are you going to heal?" She was right.

I heard a broadcast by David Wygant, whom I have a great deal of respect for, and he talks about this very subject. Actually, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach it hit so close to home. I'm attaching a link to it. (I'm not affiliated with David Wygant in any way.) Please let me know what you think of it. You have to listen to some "fluff" stuff to get to the applicable part of the podcast.

http://yeshdolh.byoaudio.com/deluge/PlayThePercentages.mp3

well the thing thank you so much for replying to my thread it means a lot.

See the thing is that i know deep down she has feelings for me because i have seen them in her eyes an she has also said many times over that she cant resist what happens to her when she is around me an that she want to get close but she knows it's wrong because she is already in a relationship.... but now she saying that it;s prob best if we saw less of each other because it seems to only cause me pain. well yes that is true, but its like i do not want to lose her from my life.. i can always go back to being a friend because i have done that before an i can do it again. but i do not know what is in her mind.. if she can ever be around with me without feeling like im looking for something more. i just feel as if theres something different when shes around me only cuz we were both really close friends so we have more history together, where as this guy she is dating she only knows him for about a month an half. she said that she might have kissed me cuz things werent going well with him an she felt happier being with me, but now things are better...so all of sudden she is complety blocking me out of her life. but i wonder if that has to do with her thinking i might never get over her or her thinking she might fall in love with me again so she doesnt want to risk being with me. or if someone is influencing her to not talk to me. i highly doubt she would have told her bf about what happend between me an her.... so maybe he is not influencing her.. but it just doesnt make sense when u have so much history an are really close friends.. and then then next she will break every link with u over a guy... she "cares about" even though she kissed an wanted to be with me"

an iv been trying to reach her but she doesnt pick up her phone. an i do have her house number but i feel really weird calling on that so i dont. right now in her head she just thinks im really emotionally attached an that next time we talk will be about what happend. but thats not true. over the time i gave her space i thought about lots of things an i just want to call her to tell her that my priority was always her happyness, an if it makes her happy being with him then thats all i need, but i do not want to lose a good friend over this,... but thats all i want to say but i cant get a hold of her. i also know some places where i would be able to see her but i dont want to look stockerish so im avoiding those things. i just dont know if i should keep calling or keep texting. i mean i wait a week or a couple of days after every time i try to reach her. an i do remember her saying that she was going to get a new phone sooon so i am worried that she will have a different number an then it will be impossible to fix our friendship. i just dont know what i can do. cuz trust me i can be friends with her even if she has him cuz iv grown past that now. i just hope she will one day realize what i was trying to do an had to offer. but i rather not lose her over some guy. a guy that i do not even know i just can let him walk in her life an ruin the friendship i had. any ideas how or what apporach i should get her back to talk to me again?

Sounds like you've been reading my journal. I could see in this girls eyes she loved me, she even kissed me and told me she loved me the last time we parted. I could see it in her eyes that she was being truthful, and she wanted to keep seeing me. However, she wasn't willing to leave her loveless boyfriend.

You really need to listen to the David Wygant podcast. When I listened to it, I realized "We've all been there."

You can't lose what you never had.

I think you should stop texting and just give her a week or so.

I know it sounds really hard to take in and probably will be really hard to do. Shes going to have to come around so you have to wait for her there isn't really much choice in this.

Shes the one that has to respond to me you have done everything right currently and cant really do anything more than bother her with additional messages.

You are going to have to move on with your life and find someone else or you will regret it. Just take your time with and slowly move on but do move on.

Well the last time we spoke. the conversation was pretty heavy. i brought up why she was chosing him over me.. i guess i was just trying to fight for her one last time even though i have been fighting for her since the day i met her by showing her how much i cared an being there for her. an i said to her what do u see in him that u didnt see in me an stuff.. shes like i care about u but im with him an i want to see where things go. an im like didnt u ever see me in longe term as u see him?. shes like i never pictured us long term, i said back to her that since the day i met u i have showing u how much i care, didnt that in a way show u i didnt want a fling but rather a acutal relationship. but at the time i didnt come to the sense that my words were useless because she was already seeing him. she said i dont think i can give u as much has ur always giving me. i thus replied by saying have i ever asked anything from u?. all i needed to know was that i had someone like u in my life an thats all i needed. She thus was just quite an couldnt really handle what was going on. so i said lets just forget about all this because i could tell she was getting confused an tensed an said maybe we can meet up 2maro an just forget the whole thing thats when she said to me. i rather not meet today an lets meet next week. i started texting an saying y? an that i was over everything an was srry. an then she said maybe we need 2 weeks then we will do something. SO its been about 2 weeks and a couple of days that i havent seen or spoken to her. i did however try to reach her over the weekend. but no response. i feel if i wait even more to reach her she will never pick up or call , because she rather avoid the whole drama an situation. so thats why im trying to reach her so that our friendship does not end. i just need to see her to explain to her i am over what happend, an that she can be with him. thats the only thing that is buggin me, i need to reach her to tell her that, i dont want her to stop talking to me an remember me as some type of obbessive guy which i never was. so need to clear the air.

Originally posted by: Beagle
Sounds like you've been reading my journal. I could see in this girls eyes she loved me, she even kissed me and told me she loved me the last time we parted. I could see it in her eyes that she was being truthful, and she wanted to keep seeing me. However, she wasn't willing to leave her loveless boyfriend.

You really need to listen to the David Wygant podcast. When I listened to it, I realized "We've all been there."

You can't lose what you never had.

Well the last time we spoke. the conversation was pretty heavy. i brought up why she was chosing him over me.. i guess i was just trying to fight for her one last time even though i have been fighting for her since the day i met her by showing her how much i cared an being there for her. an i said to her what do u see in him that u didnt see in me an stuff.. shes like i care about u but im with him an i want to see where things go. an im like didnt u ever see me in longe term as u see him?. shes like i never pictured us long term, i said back to her that since the day i met u i have showing u how much i care, didnt that in a way show u i didnt want a fling but rather a acutal relationship. but at the time i didnt come to the sense that my words were useless because she was already seeing him. she said i dont think i can give u as much has ur always giving me. i thus replied by saying have i ever asked anything from u?. all i needed to know was that i had someone like u in my life an thats all i needed. She thus was just quite an couldnt really handle what was going on. so i said lets just forget about all this because i could tell she was getting confused an tensed an said maybe we can meet up 2maro an just forget the whole thing thats when she said to me. i rather not meet today an lets meet next week. i started texting an saying y? an that i was over everything an was srry. an then she said maybe we need 2 weeks then we will do something. SO its been about 2 weeks and a couple of days that i havent seen or spoken to her. i did however try to reach her over the weekend. but no response. i feel if i wait even more to reach her she will never pick up or call , because she rather avoid the whole drama an situation. so thats why im trying to reach her so that our friendship does not end. i just need to see her to explain to her i am over what happend, an that she can be with him. thats the only thing that is buggin me, i need to reach her to tell her that, i dont want her to stop talking to me an remember me as some type of obbessive guy which i never was. so need to clear the air.

I'm sorry, but I think she's telling you she's made her choice.

thanks u for all the replies
:) i understand what you mean. but i know deep down she still cares, but never the less she is with him, now all i want to do is a be a good friend to her, but i feel that her judgement is being clouded by maybe even friends or even the bf ,but like i said i doubt she would tell him. an i know that she is making the wrong decsion by ignoring me even though we have more history then she does with this new guy of hers. i feel the need to fight for the friendship. because it will ease my mind. atleast knowing she was fine with me again. it wont cause me pain to be her friend all i need to know is that she doesnt think of me in the wrong way. but i dont know how to approach her. i dont want to go to places she goes to an show up because that seems odd. so i figure i would call her again or text her after a 2 days or something an go from there. but i tried calling before i dont know if i should text this time ,because atleast in text she can read what i need to say. but my text will be a bit thick due to the fact i need to explain that im over the situation. what do you think?

I think you've got some denial going on here. She's sending you very clear messages, and you're just not seeing them. I also think you have some denial about the strength of your feelings. From what you've said already, I don't think there is any way you and she can be "friends." Once you've had these feelings for someone and those feelings are rejected, being "friends" is generally something that happens in sitcoms.

You've given it a good try, but she's made her choice. If you just need to let her know some things, then put them in a letter, a real letter not a text, and then accept her decision. Don't ask for anything, just say "I wanted you to know how I feel."

She's made a decision to break off contact with you. I think the sooner you make peace with that, the better for you. Your emotional wounds can't heal if you keep hoping for a magic change in heart on her part.

The amazing thing is that you could contact her in a few years, after the wounds have healed, and find things are totally different. I've had that happen, and then you might be friends. Right now, it's just not possible. Your focus needs to be on healing right now.

Originally posted by: Beagle

She's made a decision to break off contact with you. I think the sooner you make peace with that, the better for you. Your emotional wounds can't heal if you keep hoping for a magic change in heart on her part.

The amazing thing is that you could contact her in a few years, after the wounds have healed, and find things are totally different. I've had that happen, and then you might be friends. Right now, it's just not possible. Your focus needs to be on healing right now.

This is the key part you need to look at. Especially the first paragraph. That's a must.

the bad part is that even if i due see her or contact her after couple of years she will always have thought of me as an obsessive person. an that type of title on my doesnt work. like i dont want someone i care about to stop contact with me by thinking something i never was. i want to let her go but i want to let her go the right way, in which atleast she knew the true me. an the only way that will ever happen is if she picks up by me saying i was srry an stuff. but just ending it like this....doesnt do myself justice thats the only thing thats holding me back.

the bad part is that even if i due see her or contact her after couple of years she will always have thought of me as an obsessive person. an that type of title on my doesnt work. like i dont want someone i care about to stop contact with me by thinking something i never was. i want to let her go but i want to let her go the right way, in which atleast she knew the true me. an the only way that will ever happen is if she picks up by me saying i was srry an stuff. but just ending it like this....doesnt do myself justice thats the only thing thats holding me back.

I understand that. It's completely and totally understood but I think it's going to have to be done.

I don't want to make this next commend but I think I have to before things get out of hand.

You may need to go and see a therapist for this just becasue it is almost getting to the point where we can't really do much more. There is only so much we can do for you and you have to take the liberty of doing some of this for your self.

Not to be mean or anything I just think it needs to be done.

srry i didnt understand what needs to be done?.

do u mean like moving on or... i didnt understand.