What should i do in my situation?

in Love and Relationships » Relationship Advice • 3 years ago

Ok this is going to be long but I have to tell the whole thing to get your real advice... it started out as a friend introduced us we met up at a country bar. We started talking from there... I’m 19 and he’s 27 he has a 9 year old and is in the Army. We like to do a lot of the same things together... hunting, fishing, playing pool, darts, bowling, motorcycle and lots of others too. As that he was in the army and schedule to leave in 8 months we decided to be friends with benefits I had just gotten out of a nasty 2 year relationship and he as has many girls cheat on him. Including Melanie’s mother which he married and divorced because of her cheating on him. Come to find out I was really falling hard and it seemed as thought I was letting my guard down way to easy. I told him that if I proved to him that I wouldn’t cheat on him the whole time he was in Iraq and that I would be faithful would he think twice and he said he would ok low and behold I told him that if he’s going to be sleeping with me that he can’t sleep with anyone else or just don’t sleep with me. At least I thought that’s what our relationship was you can date and see anyone you want but you can only choose to sleep with one person. I found out that he was sleeping with other girls. So we were fighting kind of about that I didn’t want to start a fight so I was kind of letting it go. Ok so this particular weekend he had to go to drill all weekend so he wasn’t in a good mood he invited me over for dinner on Thursday night after I had seen him at the bar that we hangout at and where we met. I had tried to give him copies of the CD’s that he had asked for he said no bring them to me tomorrow night. So that what I did we watched the Gator Oklahoma game go Gators which they won by the way. And I had tucked him into bed and scratched his back knowing that that would put him to sleep faster. He then drove and hour and a half away the next morning for drill he said he had to come home to get all of his Army equipment that day and drive back in the morning. So I got someone to buy me a 12 pack of corona his favorite and I got the 2 CD’s that I burned know after I had been trapped in my car for an hour from my drive home from work that day after going to get the beer and then drove a half hour to his house. When I got there he was home I was going out with my friends that night I was just stopping by to give him beer and the CD’s so that he could listen to them while having to drive an hour and a half away and the beer so he had something to look forward to when he got home on Sunday evening. When I got to the door I only had the CD’s in hand. He was packing up his Army stuff I asked if he wanted help he said NO! I asked what was wrong he said nothing I asked what was wrong again I knew there was something up you could tell by his body language and the look in his eyes and the tone in his voice. He said that he would be happier if I wasn’t there. So I left said “BYE” And slammed the door. We then got into it at the bar on the Monday the day after he came back. I asked what was his problem that night I probably shouldn’t have since he had been drinking but oh well he told me no one shows up at my house unannounced no my parents not anyone the dogs bark when they want back in! I told him I was sorry for what I thought I was doing was something nice. He hasn’t talked to me since that day he won’t answer my phone calls or text messages etc. she deleted me off myspace and blocked me. I really need to talk to him. I want to fix our relationship we have mutual friend together and I really don’t want him to go to Iraq like this what can I do to fix this and is this really my fault. Has his past relationships as well as war really screwed him up this bad? By the way this is no almost 2months ago. If not fix it how do I put my mind at rest about it?

Replies(5)

sky_in_al..

i hear ya

3 years ago

I too was dating an army boy. They seem to be alot of trouble huh? lol
What I found out was that they are very reluctant to cross their army lives with the personal. In this case the personal being his house, where he and his daughter live. Its more the metephor for his heart and his daughters heart. I think you startled him and broke his comfort zone, calling would have been a good idea, but nothing u can do now. Honestly since he has blocked you from everything he doesnt want to talk to you...sounds like he needs to cool off and get his head on straight. If you know any of his army friends get them to pass on a note to him. Something hand written and personal..letting him know how you feel and what you hope for. After that there is nothing you can do, other than live without regret knowing you did what you could. If he cant handle whatever you "did" or doesnt think you can work it out then maybe he is too immature for you...regardless of the age. Good luck darlin.

Sky

leighange..

Re: What should i do in my situation?

3 years ago

his daughter lives with her mom he only gets her every know and then on the weekends... and yeah but i dont have there numbers we have mutual friends but i promised them that i wasnt going to put them in the middle at all i went out to that country bar on monday and he was there thought i have to admit there was only like 40 people there but i still couldnt find the courage to even walk up to him and talk to him

Beagle

Re: What should i do in my situation?

3 years ago

Leigh: I think there's a key point here. He seems to have pretty rigid interpersonal boundaries. He says no one comes to his house unannounced, and apparently that was emphasized strongly. That's pretty extreme. I mean, who doesn't have friends and family pop in at times?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with his choice. I think you do need to be aware that he definitely has some pretty strong thoughts and opinions about boundaries. That lead's me to wonder if you and he are really right for each other. You seem like an outgoing person who enjoys doing things for people. It doesn't sound like that's what he's looking for. I would have been flattered if a girl thought enough of me to go to all that trouble to bring me a CD.

Something I have become more aware of at this stage of my life is how much the quality of a relationship depends on the basic compatibility of the people involved. I'm afraid you feel like you did something wrong. I don't think that's the case. You had no way of knowing he felt that way about people dropping by. Let's face it, only a small percentage of the population feels that way, so there's no way you could have known. If you and he are having this much conflict at this stage, that sounds like a red flag to me.

There's my two cents. I hope it helps.

leighange..

Re: What should i do in my situation?

3 years ago

it wasn't just CD's i had a 12 pack of his favorite beer too.. and yea i don't think i did anything wrong but i do feel that i should get an explanation and some closure even if hes not going to talk to me anymore which i think is completely ridicules...
Honestly i think that's what i really need right know

lunaramit..

A common Problem

3 years ago

When I was 19, I started to see this guy I had know since I started high school. Everyone we knew kept telling me that he really likes me, even my sister of whom i am very close with. She even pointed out that he was a little hurt of my choice of boyfriend a year before. He told me that he was going in to the Navy in two months. I was fine with that and i figured we could be together till then and i would wait for him after that. After a month of seeing each other, he confessed to me that he really didn't want a relationship right now and that he found a love interest that he had been looking for and sort of wanted to see her. I said ok and then a few days later he were "together" again and he was saying that I was his girl. Our relationship continued like that for a little while. The beginning of the last month he was to be here he started to not return my calls or my messages on Myspace. This lasted for two weeks until he one day showed up on my doorstep like he use to. He sat for a bit with me like he use to, except he was unusually quiet, and then he got up and left. I never saw or heard from him again. Did I mention that I was passionately in love with him?

i learned two things from this experience. 1) People who are leaving for long periods of time and are bothered by it are very unpredictable. 2) not all men are worth that kind of trouble.

There are two sides to every relationship. One person cannot be to blame for everything that goes on. I do not think you are to blame, I feel that he is because he needed to be more open with you if he knew he felt that way, or at least handled it better. If you feel that he is worth this trouble and have tried to apologize and tell him that you are sorry, tried everything in your current power, and he still ignores you, then there is nothing more that can be done. The note idea from Beagle is a good idea. If he is so privet that he would act that way, then a letter would be your best bet, but try not to go through his friends, send it to him through the mail if you can. If doesn't reply to you then, then I guess you have your answer, and I'm sorry for that. If he does, then it would be a good idea for the two of you to discuss his boundaries and anything else relating to them and possibly redefine your friendship. But like Beagle said, this could be a red flag and you really need to be prepared for the fact that this may not work out.

Also keep in mind that people have a tendency to over react to the small things when they want out of a relationship. All of this just might be telling you that he might be using this excuse to get you out of his life, re leaving him of the burden of breaking up, and making you feel that it was your fault. This thought may be a possibility, but it also could be me over analyzing things. I guess you can ask around and see if this is normal for him to treat people like that for coming over unannounced. Don't take this thought to heart though. Find the truth.