Ask Dan & Jennifer

Well I'd say probably bisexual, but it doesn't really matter. The real issue is your wife. It's very simple, okay? Tell her that if she is going to be so lazy, you won't put any effort into it either, or heck, you won't do it at all. You can't let her push you around...

Originally posted by: rowenrealm
Dear Dan & Jenn,

Rowen here. Here's my tale No.1.

I have been married for 13 years already & have 2 kids. Before marriage, my wife used to perform oral sex for me without me even asking and I the same for here and I really do enjoy the 69 position. Before marrying me she had some guys whom she had sex with and she used to perform oral sex for them like crazy. Even when they were asleep. I know this because I know the guys and they do not know that she is married to me. Immediately after marriage she has stopped giving me oral sex but wants me to do it for her. I have spoken to her and explain how much I miss it but she refuses and gets angry. She is so lazy in bed. All she does is turn her body around for doogie style or other positions but there is 0 fore play from her to arouse me or keep me aroused and my penis looses it's erection very fast due to this.

Tale no 2.

Since I cannot get oral sex and I miss it so much. At first I tried fantasizing and masturbating but it did not work. So I stated to go to transvestites (A friend suggested this) I get mind blowing oral sex from them. Then I went one step further when one of them started to insert lubricated fingers into my rectum and after a some time I begin to like it. Some months later, I let the transvestite to penetrate by anus with her/his penis. It hurt at first but after that I began to enjoy it. I even tried to do a 69 position several times just to give some pleasure back. I did not enjoy performing oral sex for her/him. I tried kissing because they look like really hot chicks. It's just like ok ok but not like kissing a real woman.

So I enjoy oral sex and anal penetration from trasvestites and also enjoy penetrating transvestites rectums but I am not attracted to men at all. Not a slightest bit. I must admit that transvestites do turn me on but only in a female way. I find women extremely arousing.

Does this act make me gay or bisexual. I am living with tremendous guilt each day of my life.

Your answers and advice is very much awaited.

Thank you guys.


Rowen

First of all you are now cheating.as for her tell her it's time to put a lip lock on her pleasure tool or pleasure herself and get to the talking table.as for your other question.transvestites are male dressed as females,they are not female.having your anus penetrate does not make you gay.many men like their wives to use strapons.but as for sucking their cocks and penetrating their ass puts you into bi-sexual catagory.BUT,who cares about labels or the opinions of others when it comes to our sexual preferences.your problem is your marriage and the danger of catching something.i have a thread about [is he bi-sexual],in the swingers.please read it.GOOD LUCK,Luv

I agree with Sub.. the biggest issue is this is cheating. If the tables were turned, wouldn't you be upset that your wife had gone outside of the marriage? Have you tried asking her why she suddenly does not want to give you oral, or just telling her you miss it? The way something is said can mean more than the actual words being said. Then also tell her if she wants it, she has to give too...it's always a 2-way street... if not, then someone's getting screwed and not in the fun way. Not to say that sometimes an "all about her" night isn't good.. but in general it should be both of you giving and receiving. There's so many reasons why someone may not want to give oral.. hair, smell, gag reflex, taste of fluids.. etc etc ad nauseum...

Now, as far as the transvestite thing, besides the possibility of STDs... This straight/bi/gay thing is over used... people are sexual, period. Sometimes someone who has always identified as "straight" in the heat of the moment may do something with a member of the same sex that they may ordinarily never think of... does not mean they are gay. I think the true meaning of gay or straight or bi is the relationship and emotional attraction to someone. For instance, a man who will have sex with men or women but only wants to be in a relationship with other men... catch my drift? Don't get caught up in the labels.

You never know, if you suggest a 3some with another man for your wife she may be very turned on and then you can have the best of both worlds... or have her use a strap on or vibrator in your butt.... it's all good. Just remember to be careful whenever playing with someone else..

A very huge thank you guys. all of you.

I did indeed talk to her directly and asked her why she does not want to perform oral sex on me but she does not have a straight answer. I have even begged her (Used the word beg when I asked her) and she out right said a big No!. I always make sure that I am clean, free of smell, hair etc but I think that for me, its not what she likes.

I even asked her that how come you perform oral sex for those blokes before me even thought they hurt you and only used you like a free whore but you still did it for them. Fo me, the husband that you say you love but cannot bring yourself to pleasure. Guess I just have to live like this.

For all your advice, I thank each and everyone of you and I have immediately spoken with myself and stopped going to others for sex. It just did not dawn on me that I was cheating in my marriage. So now no more outside sex with transvestites and safely stay away from std's etc.

Warmest regards.



Rowen

Perhaps your next step should be couple's therapy... if this is an issue you think can approached with her. She may well have some eomtional baggage from her past relationship experiences and may need a professional to help her work it out....


I wish you luck and keep us posted!

OK, well my husband used to have an issue with oral sex. It was tied to some bad memories and he just couldn't get into it. It made me feel inadequate because I used to pride myself in it.
Now, I got him past that and he loves it. the only issue with me now is that my mouth is actually very small and I have to really psych myself up in order to do it without putting myself in a lot of pain. I have got him pretty close a couple of times, but my mouth and jaw hurt so bad, and my feelings were hurt so bad, that I stopped and left him hanging that way. Got on top and rode him instead.
Now, it's like it's an uphill battle for me, because I'm afraid I won't be able to get him there before my mouth feels like it's gonna crack...

Plus, it may be an intimate issue. My ex-husband only took me from behind and never did foreplay. He had an issue with intimacy. that could be the deal. Oral sex between a man and a woman seems even more intimate than sex itself, to me.
??

Originally posted by: rowenrealm
Rowen here. ...
So I enjoy oral sex and anal penetration from trasvestites and also enjoy penetrating transvestites rectums but I am not attracted to men at all. Not a slightest bit. I must admit that transvestites do turn me on but only in a female way. I find women extremely arousing.

Does this act make me gay or bisexual. I am living with tremendous guilt each day of my life.

1. Hi Rowen, like K. said, don't worry about labels. No it doesn't make you "gay" and there's nothing to be ashamed or fell guilt about. That's just societal baggage we all deal with, left over from darker and more primitive, judgmental times still in our recent history.

We are indeed all "sexual" despite, our society just pushes forward an extreme level of homophobia (for guys anyway - everybody likes two girls playing together - LOL).

We had a great video on all the straight vs. gay vs. bisexual stuff, but I think it's still with our video editor; here's one that touches on a similar concept though...

Strap On Dilemma! Does It Make Me Gay?

2. The other issue is going outside of your relationship for sex, because that constitutes a breach of trust with your wife - since I'm guessing she didn't say it's ok. But that's covered well already.

3. But still the larger issue is how to get the spice back into your marriage... Unless your sex life is otherwise absolutely amazing, it sounds like there's very little foreplay, and not much excitement. That's a rut that a lot of couples slip into gradually over time, it just "happens". Sex can become just an automatic, mechanical activity, no longer passionate and amazing.

So I personally don't think the underlying issue is the fact that she won't perform oral sex on you anymore, but rather the lack of passion, which is WHY she doesn't feel like doing it.

If this is the case, there are ways to rekindle that passion. Think back to the beginning, what did you two do together, i.e. going on hot sexy dates together, leading to passionate nights, etc. We strongly encourage couples to actually go out together - on real dates, regularly - as in Friday is date night, every Friday. Get a babysitter, drop the kids with the grandparents, whatever... but make time for the two of you.

Something else that is very powerful is sexual fantasies... we all have them... you do, your wife does. So share them together. One great way to do that is something like to do called a "fantasy box"... you each put your fantasies on on each folded piece of paper in this box, and on "hot date night" you pull one out at random to see whose it is. Games couples play when they share their deepest fantasies (sure, slowly at first, but still share) can really spice up your sex life.

Just some ideas to get you thinking in that direction...

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Here's a huge thank you and hug from me. I really appreciate all your advice and shall put into motion a new approach towards my wife and marriage. As I replied sometime back, I have also put a 100% stop to my outside sex that I used to source to get me off.

Sometimes in life, things can be so clear but one just is kind of blinded to it. For example, it never dawned on me that I was cheating on my wife and the possibility of STD's. It was just like I really want you know what and beg for it and get a flat out answer no! then I just seek out an alternative to satisfy myself sexually.

But no more. Thanks to all of you, I have turned a new leaf and please wish me all the best to have a huge will control to maintain it.

Do keep in touch guys and you guys are really helping people out here.


Bye for now.

Rowen

Sounds like case of sex life going down the drain after marriage. It's almost as if once people get married, then don't have to try as hard in bed to keep their partner happy.

But...to have a great marriage, the opposite is true. In other words, you have to try just as hard (if not, harder) once you're married!

Originally posted by: Dan And Jennifer
But still the larger issue is how to get the spice back into your marriage... Unless your sex life is otherwise absolutely amazing, it sounds like there's very little foreplay, and not much excitement. That's a rut that a lot of couples slip into gradually over time, it just "happens". Sex can become just an automatic, mechanical activity, no longer passionate and amazing.

So I personally don't think the underlying issue is the fact that she won't perform oral sex on you anymore, but rather the lack of passion, which is WHY she doesn't feel like doing it.

If this is the case, there are ways to rekindle that passion. Think back to the beginning, what did you two do together, i.e. going on hot sexy dates together, leading to passionate nights, etc. We strongly encourage couples to actually go out together - on real dates, regularly - as in Friday is date night, every Friday. Get a babysitter, drop the kids with the grandparents, whatever... but make time for the two of you.

Something else that is very powerful is sexual fantasies... we all have them... you do, your wife does. So share them together. One great way to do that is something like to do called a "fantasy box"... you each put your fantasies on on each folded piece of paper in this box, and on "hot date night" you pull one out at random to see whose it is. Games couples play when they share their deepest fantasies (sure, slowly at first, but still share) can really spice up your sex life.

Just some ideas to get you thinking in that direction...

Great advice. I believe the key is communication & commitment between you and your wife about improving your sex life.