Ask Dan & Jennifer

Hey:
:eek: Ya know I have always believed that abuse is never a good thing and besides leopards do not change their spots either. Change is something that has to take place from within and not from without. If he is abusing you then it is time to get out while you still can, before it escalates.

I would say GET OUT NOW! He will probably never change. ANd even a worse sign is he is telling his friends they can hit you. That is a definitely BAD sign. I would get out now before you get in too deep.

If you actually fear for your safety, then there's not much mystery there - it's time to move on. That's not a healthy situation.

Nobody has the right to abuse another person in any way, whether physically, psychologically, or emotionally. Thankfully our society is getting better controls in place to protect people from others who would do them harm, but you have to get out of a situation like that.

Now the question of him "not letting" you leave - that's very troubling. So are you saying that you're thinking about leaving but don't know how to get away from him?

Sounds to me like a restraining order in the making...

Well, I definitely agree with what has been said here already. Truth is, you're in an all too common situation. But you're still in the stage where getting help is much easier, you haven't been beaten into submission and "brainwashed" yet. You know you're in a bad situation, and that's a good thing.
So, what to do about it? Well, as if he weren't already bad enough, now he'll be coming home from basic training and he'll be, let's face it, a military trained fighter/killer (I support our troops, by the way, just mentioning he'll have had great hand-to hand combat training) If he's going to use these skills to fight for the military, great, but if he's going to dishonor his training and use it to harm you, that's bad. The objective is to stop him from hurting you, but if he does hurt you first, not only is there civilian law enforcement he'll have to deal with, but there is also conduct unbecoming a soldier/marine/sailor/airman... but lets focus on the preparation to have him not hurt you first..
There's a few schools of thought on how to rid yourself of an abusive relationship. You can be legally direct and deal as little as possible with that individual. This would entail getting a restraining order, notifying the local police, and possibly moving/changing your phone number/email/screennames etc. This is not a bad option, but there is the loophole of his friends. It's much more difficult to get a restraining order against a group of individuals. I don't know the extent to which he may go in order to "keep you as his own"...
You could also become a "lame duck" kind of girlfriend. Not going out, never doing anything with him, not showing any emotion towards him. Not doing anything for him... this could send him searching for the next victim, or it could push him to physical violence just to get a reaction out of you. Same type of thing with the next option of being a Queen Bitch. Nit pick about everything. Complain about him, all his wrong doings. Point out every little mistake... basically just be as bitchy as humanly possible again in an effort to drive him away... but again, this carries its risks...
Really you'll have to weigh your options, and probably choose something between these, or come up with something on your own. But you know him the best, and you know what he's most likely to react to violently or not.... But honestly, making an effort to involve the police is never a bad thing. The more reports, the more evidence, the better your case against him is.
Other than that, you may find it helpful to take a self defense class, or a shooting class. Let him know you can defend yourself if the need should arise. You may also want to seek spiritual guidance as this is definitely a trying time for you. You have to rise to your own potential and assure that he does not hurt you. If he gets put away, that's less other women he could hurt too.. and from what I understand, the military does not look kindly on using one's military training in domestic abuse, and military prison is worse than state facilities....
You can do it, I have faith in you. Move past this abuse and do whats right for you.

Giving permissions to his friend to hit you? Him controlling you having "Rob" watch over you and if you do anything bad wipe you like you're some kind of slave.

He will control you and your marriage, he is one of those guys who think women are things for sex, and a slave. If I were you I would of left him.

If you don't leave him now, he will hurt you I'm afraid. :(

you shuld tell someone what he's doing to you he will never change i'm sorry but he won't tell him how you feal and that he's hurting you.and find someone that's good for you and to you.but please tell someone because he has it wired in his brain that it's ok to hit

Carrie: I am presently recognized as an expert on violent behavior in numerous courts and I am a licensed mental health professional. I say this with 20 years of working with violent offenders. You are in a dangerous situation that can only be expected to get worse as time progresses. The great lie is that abusers can't control their anger. That's why anger management courses have been such a failure. A man convicted of domestic violence who completes counseling is less likely to abuse his partner FOR 18 MONTHS. After 18 months, they are as likely to abuse again as men who have had no treatment.

Psychologically, abusers have a high need to control others. In providing assessments for courts, I use an instrument known as the Domestic Violence Inventory. People with a history of violence toward women almost universally have very high needs to control others, and the threat of violence is how they establish that control. That is exactly what you're looking at here. He sent you that message through the friend for that purpose.

Carrie: You are in danger. Any children you have with him will be in danger.

FYI: Not that high of a percentage of men are abusers. Many women are abused. That is because men tend to abuse multiple partners.

While he's gone is the time to end it. That gives him time to move on emotionally before he returns. He is not mentally ill or in need of treatment. He is just plain mean. When these guys can't control someone by threats to the other person, their next step is to play on your sympathy by threatening harm to themselves. This is just another control tactic. (I can discuss this because it has been aired in court and is therefore no longer confidential. It's a matter of public record.) A man who was threatening his wife, her children, and himself was reported to the police by neighbors. However, the officers report indicated that he was entirely calm and rational when talking to them. There is no known mental disorder that is cured by the police showing up. Therefore, this was a willful behavior, a control tactic.

The majority of men who abuse women have criminal histories. Basically, the abuse of women is just part of their criminal behavior. When I have conducted court-ordered evaluations of men who have killed their wives or partners, they universally have extensive histories of abuse. Women never think their man will actually go that far. I have numerous case histories that show that represents denial.

If you doubt anything I'm saying, here is a professional reference that is used in these cases. it is available to the general public. The research about anger management counseling being ineffective won't be in there since that research was done after this book was published.
Amazon.com: Violent Offenders: Appraising And Managing Risk (Law and Public Policy: Psychology and the Social Sciences): Catherine A. Cormier, Marnie E. Rice, Grant T. Harris, Vernon L. Quinsey: Books

You can be protected. Despite the pop media references, court orders to help. The greatest deterrence to violence is knowing that it WILL result in prosecution. You need to get out and get on your own feet now, while you have the chance.

He told his friend that he could hit you?

Leave him, now. Oh, and kick him hard in the balls before you do. (coming from a guy, it hurts like hell but he deserves it.)

And no, he won't change.

Yes, leave him! We women doesn't need those kind of guy!!! He's so stupid! My bf is very loving and caring, he doesn't want me to get hurt from other I still remember when he fought for me, that makes me feel that he really loves me He doesn't hurt me and he's listening to me. That kind of guy we need, the one who makes us as a their princess.

I'm with the others. You need to be in a safe place before he returns. I'm sure you love him and you forgive him over and over. But it's a trap and a dangerous place. Run away and DO NOT contact him. Do not let him know where you are.

You have to be very careful or someone will tell him. No one gets to hit you. It should never be excused and nothing you might do can cause you to "deserve it."

Find a shelter for abused women and ask them for help. Even if you don't want to stay there they can give you good advice on how to avoid him.

We wish you health and safety!

Get OUT of this ASAP! You're in a horrible situation and you need to get out before it's too late, he'll end up brainwashing you, he'll hurt you or worse, his abuse is going to end up killing you...don't take this abuse, turn whoever is responsible in. get out now